Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

You're like me: getting there slowly but surely. Although you're probably more healed than I am withh all the E2 and LTU5 usage.

[Greenduck]

Can you even compare that? I think everyone’s has his own things to heal.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

True.

[Greenduck]

I think I am getting a small taste of what it means to have self-esteem. I had a meeting today at work with one of my bosses and he talked about what kind of companies we look for, and the entrepreneur who we had the meeting with always in some way was in some mode of trying to prove himself to my boss, instead of listening to what he actually was saying. So like if he was telling an anecdote to illustrate an example, instead of reflecting on the anecdote and the point that was being made, the entrepreneur just tried to fend of what he though was a search of his/his company value. I recognized myself in the entrepreneur, and how I previously often was trying to impress other people and prove my value for them, rather than being present in the conversation and listening to what was being said, and learning from people with more experience then me. This was really a mind-shift, and I'm sure that Shannons subliminals is playing a part in this. Self-esteem is the ability for me to relax and not be so defensive, but to stay with an open mind and not letting my hurt ego come in the way of whatever I am trying to achieve in life. Amazing revelation. It's like something is starting to show itself to me, a reality in life where you don't need to prove yourself, but you can stay true to your words, gain experience and become valuable in yourself, rather than going around trying to make other think that you are good. Like I am going on a path of substance rather than shallowness. This feels good.

The day on work was pretty smooth, even though I felt horrible in the morning, but I still went to work and see it turned out to become a pretty good day! I feel less and less need to prove myself to others and put my self-esteem in their hands.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Great for you, Greenduck! Congratulations on your continuing success with Shannon's subs

[Greenduck]

I haven't really reflected on it, but I am becoming much better at distancing myself from my emotionally unstable mother. And the guilt that have been driving me to fall into the hands of her victimhood is going away step by step. I keep to myself and value my own emotional state more than needing to involve myself with her, because I know that whenever I do she ruins my mood with her negative attitude towards everything. She is becoming less and less of my problem and I'm not feeling guilty about it. This is huge.

[Greenduck]

Oh yeah and I’ve started enjoy reading again. That was long time ago!

[SaltyMeatballs]

Oh yeah and I’ve started enjoy reading again. That was long time ago!

Wow, Im on the same boat. In addition, do you find that artifical stimulation like TV or gaming for example is much less satisfying than before? 

[Greenduck]

Oh yeah and I’ve started enjoy reading again. That was long time ago!

Wow, Im on the same boat. In addition, do you find that artifical stimulation like TV or gaming for example is much less satisfying than before? 

Team now that you mention it I find most things on TV shallow and almost irritating. Books are my harbor right now what are you reading? I’m reading east of eden by John Steinbeck - wonderful book.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Mostly Non-fiction. Just finished Total Recall by Arnold Schwarzenegger and moving on to Tryptamine Palace by James Oroc.

[Greenduck]

Mostly Non-fiction. Just finished Total Recall by Arnold Schwarzenegger and moving on to Tryptamine Palace by James Oroc.

Ok. I can’t recommend some non fiction, it gives some color to your life and you realize that life isn’t just about performing, but what it entails to live. I find non fiction a bit egocentrical, people who want to prove themselves in some way and often have a bit of simple way of looking at their own motives and actions. Non fiction is more relaxed in my experience and gives a bigger picture of why people act as they do, and thus I find it more rewarding to read.

[Greenduck]

I'm reading a book called east of eden as I mentioned before. In the book there's a character called Cathy who is more or less a sociopath. Everything in her life is about herself and she can't feel empathy for other people, or see the good in others, she sees everything as a sign of weakness if she can and she try to get people under her control if she can, if she fails she get outraged. The more I read the more I see the similarities with my mother and how much I have been under her control due to her dirty tricks of getting other people to adapt to her, and to me much of it is because she somewhere know I feel sorry for her and she use that as a weakness to control me. But I'm starting to get angry. Not like angry in a shallow sense or an anger that passes, but a deep feeling of being treated badly and the anger that comes with that, it's more like an inside rage. I guess it's my self with self-esteem that's coming back, or appearing for the first time. A self that can feel self esteem other than the one that haven't known that it was deserving of it. I'm breaking free. I'm becoming a separate individual who can stand up for himself and don't have to dance to other peoples tunes. A radical shift is happening inside, and it feels like new ground is breaking open infront of me, ground that I haven't dared to step onto because fear was holding me in place on the safer path where I don't upset other people with my own needs, but a shift is happening from being guided by the aversion of fear to the inner needs, this feels very new, not scary but exciting, well scary in some way but also something that holds promise of something.

EDIT:
It's interesting how her mere presence make me feel bad. I went out and chilled in some woods close by and I felt great, went to the store, felt great, came home, feel like shit. It's like she hates me deeply just because I'm no longer catering to her needs. A deep freightful hate. I look forward until I'm strong enough to discourage this. I have realized that I really don't feel at peace at home or even safe, it's like any second she can storm into my room for something. I can't relax.

I remember hearing something from Jordan Peterson about when you do you shadow work you discover your "potental for havoc" and that is what you start respecting in yourself and what make other people respect you. It's that you have an additional basic layer of existance that you can take into the world whenever you want to, or when you feel that you need to. It's that part of you that no-one can control, and thus it's scary, even for you, because if no one else can control it, you have to. I'm getting that. I'm discovering it.

[Greenduck]

I was away this weekend with some friends which really was rewarding. Great company, good for, nature. I’m back home now and I think the trip has helped me more than I think. It showed me how normal people are and how in-normal my mother’s expectations on me are and how little I really need to play with what she expect. Her unconscious irritated way of being isn’t my problem and I don’t have to emphasize with it if I don’t want to, and have been doing compulsively in the past. I can tend to myself even when around other people even if it upsets them. Their upsetting emotional state is neither my problem or MY FAULT which is probably the biggest factor behind my suffering. I can stay in my own emotional state and be “egoistical” without guilt, not feeling that I need to change my way of being or catering other people’s needs or desires and neglecting my own internal equilibrium. All my interactions with other people should be on my own terms and my terms only. To have my actions dictated by others is something I have left behind, it’s not something I’m longer interested in tending to and not something I decide to do. I can stay in my own skin whatever happens around me and however upset people around me get, my emotional state is above all and I’m no longer interested in playing the game where my guilt is either used by someone else directly to impact my actions or how guilt is directing my own actions and priorities. However bad someone else feels it’s NEVER my obligation to cater to this. Emotional suffering isn’t my arena where I need to help with. I don’t need to solve problems just because other people have them or present them to me. I don’t need to convince other people of changing their course of action. I’m now letting go of all responsibility of the actions of other people and things I can’t control. My emotional well-being is the best path to other people’s healing, not me trying to make them feel better.

I needed to write that out. The sound of it sounds like LTU is getting more and more grip of me

[Greenduck]

Ok today marks the 3 month point for my LTU journey. I have had some great development towards becoming healthy and overcoming my depression which have been my main need right now. I can't almost remember how I felt 3 months back but I know it was in a totally different place and without even the slightest ability to imagine how I feel today. The progress have really been huge. Some points:

• I still have some social anxiety problems but they are WAY less apparent. I went on a trip last weekend and had a good time, something that wouldn't been possible before LTU.
  
• My mind is more clear and I'm more able at work. I also have much less anxiety and fear at work. My mind is starting to be able to think out solutions for problems and some business ideas.
  
• I'm much less anxious on a day to day basis, less worried about the future
  
• My family situation is much calmer, relationships are more smooth

I'm excited to see where I will be in 3 months.

• Some things I hope on achieving during this time:
  
• Be able to work full time at work
  
• Be more comfortable in social settings
  
• Let go of my ex and move on
  
• Improve my relationships with my friends further
  

EDIT:
I forgot two things

- I'm less affected when people are angry or can't hold their temper. I don't feel gulity and bad around them, not as much at least.
- I'm more and more interested in things in life, learning about stuff online, inventions, etc.

EDIT 2:
I came across something regarding the reaction to sneezing and how it's connected to our psyche. I then realized that for the past time I have been reluctant to take medicine when I have had a cold or something like that, and just let the body have it's course.

The link which talks more about this
https://www.mirmethod.com/sneezing/

EDIT 3:
I see now how colored I have by guilt. When I took care of my own needs, I felt guilty. I never have felt that it was OK to take care of my own needs. I found other people, as my ex-ex girlfriend and took care of her own needs and tried to make her happy, but it always was something that was lacking - I wasn't happy. And I didn't know why, because I had actually given up on the idea that it was OK to try make myself happy, like I wasn't worth it. Now I see this pattern and make conscious decisions to tell myself that it's OK to make myself happy and tend to my own needs, no matter how the outside react on it (mostly my mother). It's a struggling journey but I know that with time I will get it straight.