Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[Infinite]

Is your brother alive?

[findingme]

Yes, Infinite. I saw him 2 weeks back and wrote the story of seeing him at the laundromat.

[findingme]

Something I'm admitting, just because I don't want to hide behind lies.

Something I've done with other men in my life, both coworkers and recovery friends, is that I've tried to put them into that box my brother used to fill. The word I equate it with: manipulation. I've played a "less competent" role, hoping I'd recreate the same dynamics I grew up in. Sharing that, it makes me feel like less of a man, being (emotionally) dependent on other adult peers. I must have begun believing this too, remembering my thoughts around competent men.

This habit of lying to myself and recreating this has me feel old pain plus decreased self esteem. I feel less integrity, like I'm taking something without their permission or knowledge.

And as I've written, I realize I've attempted and desired it many times. Using the less honest approach is hurting me though. I don't want to keep doing this (sounds like I'm pleading with myself for change).

[Infinite]

I didn't realize that it was the same brother. lol You handled him perfectly! He'll think twice before acting that way around you again, and your relationship should begin to improve.

I felt your pain as I was reading your latest entry. My grandmother developed Alzheimer's and she would get lost walking around the neighborhood. One of my sisters told me that she had gotten lost and that they never found her. I was young when she told me, and I believed her. I didn't realize at that time that my sister was just a very messed up individual telling me lies to keep me from contacting my grandma. The whole thing was very traumatic and painful for me.

I'm glad your brother is ok and I look forward to you being healed of the trauma that him leaving caused you when you were a child.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Findingme, you are doing a much better job than I've done at recognizing these manipulative patterns and changing course. Kudos! I envy you. I've burned some bridges with this behaviour...

[findingme]

I didn't realize that it was the same brother. lol You handled him perfectly! He'll think twice before acting that way around you again, and your relationship should begin to improve.

I felt your pain as I was reading your latest entry. My grandmother developed Alzheimer's and she would get lost walking around the neighborhood. One of my sisters told me that she had gotten lost and that they never found her. I was young when she told me, and I believed her. I didn't realize at that time that my sister was just a very messed up individual telling me lies to keep me from contacting my grandma. The whole thing was very traumatic and painful for me.

I'm glad your brother is ok and I look forward to you being healed of the trauma that him leaving caused you when you were a child.

Thank you Infinite. That was very kind.

I'd been reading another story online that brought me to tears, and then, I came here and read yours. I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

[findingme]

Findingme, you are doing a much better job than I've done at recognizing these manipulative patterns and xhanging cpurse. Kudos! I emvy you. I've birned some bridges with this behaviour...

EP,

Seriously, your envy is understandable. Were I in your shoes, reading another person making progress (even painfully), I would be jealous too. Maybe 5 years back, I was in a 12 step meeting, and someone had just come back from a retreat, and they sat in peace with themselves after puking up their uglies to complete strangers. He had grown, and I wanted some of what he had. In truth, I contacted this retreat. Emailed the leader. But have been scared to follow through. Too much doubt, distraction, and fear to commit time and money.

But subliminals? I could still hide, with noone really knowing what changes I was experiencing. With the retreat, I feared a disappointment and a public shaming. But upon using my first subliminal and feeling GOOD, I wanted more.

It's Universal Detox inside of LTU which allows this awareness and almost "need" to be honest. I ran UD solo for almost 3 months, and this subliminal alone showed all the deception I was engaged in. So when Shannon said UD would be in LTU, I wanted in. $600 was a bit, but I've saved repeatedly to jump into small businesses (pulled out too.....low self esteem). I considered this a real investment in ME. I even had the most fear the night I paid for it. I was pulled this way, that way.......and even "really? You're going to do this?!" All this was in my own head.

Being completely honest now............ I'm kind of jealous of you . E3 has UD in it now, and it's still only $115. I think E3 is the current "sleeper" sub since LTU is getting the most attention. I'm jealous since the full package of LTU is unwrapped slowly. There's 12 whole subs in here. Plus, I am a very emotional person. I don't express it everywhere, but I feel it everywhere. Solo subs, especially E2/E3 have their place! And I truly like simple subs where you know stuff's being worked on. I'd know (E2) was working each day since I was just......happy.... a LOT. Not owned by fear, guilt, and shame. Feeling hopeful. And even being eyed heavily by women in public. I was on an emotional healing sub, and I'd sworn I was using DMSI! Feel good + sensual messages from women? I'm IN!!! Mix that for me Shannon! I'm in! ........

I was only able to pick up LTU since I could afford it. But as I see it, you've got access to a golden ticket yourself. E2 now, and for healing such as you've seen in my case, E3 (or LTU, as you've shared you're waiting on funds). UD, an extremely powerful emotional healing sub, was and is very underrated, and it's what's clearing me out NOW. Let it work on you, and in time, you won't be able to BS yourself! That......is FREEDOM!

I sound like Keith now :-)

And seriously, I'm also pretty sure the sensual attention will return while using LTU. I've gotten some in my early days, but the clearing of UD has had me being low key in public lately. From what I know, we're all attracted to honest people, for then it allows us to drop our lies too.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Well thanks for the encouragement Findingme. I am feeling better today than I have in recent days. It is my hope that I can completely heal these wounds inside and live the kind of life I want. I'm sure it'll take a while to get there, but hopefully I'll make it within a few years.

Anyway, congratulations on all your progress you're making. I still can't tell if I'm making any on E2.

[findingme]

I woke up feeling freer this morning. I had 2 times in the first 10 minutes awake that my mind went to an image of a beautiful woman, and I felt desires to be with her. I felt lovable and desirable. Like my defenses are breaking down, maybe even some past trauma or fear.

Thinking back, I know E3 specifically deals with sexual trauma. Last night, before dropping, I was having some bodily sensations, and I even wondered then if some sexual memories were being healed, for the same sensations mirrored a past trauma. Wow..... Is this happening???

@Shannon: a consideration for future healing subs: in the stop smoking sub, you work on the biggest resistance factor for smokers: the social factor. I am not a smoker, but this feature is entirely unique among healing subs--handling outside pressures and acclimating to change easier.

I wrote "is this happening?" since in my experience, all we're taught to do is COPE with trauma. We could have spent 50K on healing, but mentally, we're still in chains. Could you imput messages where we see ourselves as free? Only when we believe we're free are we truly free. Thank you. My hat's off to you.

Edit: Every morning I make coffee for myself. The one main reason I've used it is to calm anxious thoughts creeping up, and I've noticed when I'm proactively going into emotionally stressful situations (mostly in recovery rooms and settings), I've looked for coffee to shut those fears down.

This morning......I had no emotional need for it. I almost left without it. But a guy I normally pick up didn't need a ride this morning. So I made it. Messages that we really don't need old crutches would be great. I've never seen that among recovery tools.

[Shannon]

All that is already in there. You're making these realizations because of that. It's just not finished becoming within you.

[findingme]

That's good to know Shannon. I had no idea, but it's exciting to hear.
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Today, some fears were trying to come up, and still are. My biggest known fear is rejection and abandonment, and after these last two days of focusing on what was stirring me, I felt this sad, scared part of me rise when (at my job) I had done things which I imagined being ....... well, completely discarded for.
It filled me with fear------and I'm thinking it's a parallel of my own childhood experiences.

My inner kid is wanting to be heard. I've honestly not connected with him in a very long time. I hear or read people sharing how they talk to him/her..........but .................... I'm unsure---nope, not unsure. I feel fear.

I used to converse with him on paper. Simple conversations meant a lot to me, as when I focused on what I (little me) was trying to say, I began to feel more whole. Oftentimes it scared me, especially in the beginning, since little me just needed to know he was heard.

As I wrote, I realized I am emotionally distant with you, you, and you since I have ignored me, the part which seems to always have something to say. I thought growing up meant shutting that part of myself up.

Me ignoring me is not working..............what am I gaining by ignoring me?

Answer: I'm being like Mom. Deviating from her model might make her reject me.

That's not what is best for me though. It hurts the little one in me who's scared of old stuff being repeated.
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I haven't done this in a while. As I was writing, little me was speaking up VERY clearly, even giving known answers.

[findingme]

I'll admit I considered erasing the latter part of my last post. Came here, and inside I felt a clear "NO!"

[EvolvingPhoenix]

That last part of your post was a major breakthrough I thought. It was you realizing that deep down, you hold onto certain unhealthy habits because you're worried your mother will reject you. And you realize it's not in your best interests to do so. No need to remove that part of the post! It's good to see you making such progress

[findingme]

Hmmm... I'll share why I considered doing this.

The base of my impulse was ...... I still have self doubt about my ability to take good care of my emotions. What I connected here was me seeking to hand my responsibilities for this over to someone else. That's why I considered erasing it.

wow...just realized something. Just like in your recent E2 posting EP, me taking responsibility for my stuff may be challenging my old victim mindset (aka "I can't handle this.......poor me") ways. That's likely on the table, for me.

Thanks for the perspective. That combined with my own realization.......I'll leave it.