Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[Zane]

Are you having thoughts about using USLM?

[findingme]

No. I was just mentioning USLM3 as an unexpected long-term sub. I don't hear many people at all using subs longer than 3 or 6 months, and you being on it with it affecting you so positively is encouraging. LTU is beckoning me to keep on it longer, so that was my comparison.

[Zane]

No.  I was just mentioning USLM3 as an unexpected long-term sub.  I don't hear many people at all using subs longer than 3 or 6 months, and you being on it with it affecting you so positively is encouraging.  LTU is beckoning me to keep on it longer, so that was my comparison.

There just comes a point where you just keep listening on your own. In 10 days it's gonna be 10 months since I have been on USLM3. Although I did decrease the loops from 3 to 1 for 1 month and then took a gap of 1 month to see the bloom and then again jumped onto it but now with just 2 loops and tbh.. Dont feel like increase it for a long time.. 

I am not Shannon but if you feel loops are getting harder then decrease it by 1 but don't stop.. Wanna take a 2 week break or more then sure. and experience the bloom but then get back to it.. Even if you like but inside your heart you know it's good for you.. 

You don't have to run UMS as I also believe it's gonna be too much powerful much powerful for me.. Even AM6 was tough on me.. 

Being on subs with multiple goals my subconscious goes haywire.. Like on DMSI3.2 and MLS it does work but it gonna take a long time.. So I am taking baby steps according to my capacity and what I can handle.. When times comes I will join the elites soon and so will you.. Dont worry bro.. You arnt the only one.. Dont worry.. Just heal.. It good for you. You stick with LTU and USLM.. We are Subliminal Buddies

[findingme]

Thank you Zane. It means a lot to me. I read this midday on my phone.

I'm gonna run LTU 5 loops daily, as last week adding a single loop while at work wore on me, making me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why, but even Mat422's felt overloaded on 6 loops. Five loops is good for me, for now.

I'll take it easy. I had a full day today, with something big coming up this last 30 minutes.

But first, a prelude.


I watched a movie around 3 weeks ago about a small town guy who made it big in country music, and the story began in a church building. The bride was excited, it was their wedding day, and for some unknown reason, this guy, the country singer, skipped out on his wedding. The woman went on with her life, raising a child which they'd unknowingly consumated earlier.

I'll skip through the storyline. Later on, this guy finally returned home since a high school friend died, and during this time he found out about his daughter. In one scene, his daughter began choking while eating. The guy froze. Just froze. Couldn't help his daughter. His daughter's uncle intervened, rescuing the child, and shaming the guy. (He had resentments since he'd helped his sis when she'd been deserted.)

The truth surfaces finally near the end of the story. When this man was a 7 or 8 year old boy, his mom had cancer, and he watched her decay quickly. When she died, he felt completely responsible for it happening. He'd loved her so much, and it hurt him deeply when she passed. He said he'd never love someone like that again, which is why he froze when his daughter choked, and why he couldn't show up for his own wedding. He didn't want to lose someone he loved again.

Here's where it hit me today.

I live less then a 1/4 mile from me and my ex-wife's old house. Just down the street from that house lives a 94 year old woman. I'd gotten close to her and her husband while I lived there, and even up to 2 years back I was in regular touch with her. And twice........ I've just stopped all contact. No calls, no visits, nothing at all.

Today, once I'd got home, I got a local call, but I ignored it not knowing the number. For some reason, I listened to the voicemail, and it was this 94 year old woman. She asked me to call her, as she had some good news. I listened, and attempted to steel myself and dismiss it. But LTU has been instilling a responsibility mindset, so after I showered, I called her. I was nervous, and I'll see her tomorrow. She's moving into an assisted living community, and wishes to give me some of her husband's old winter clothes. He passed soon after I'd let them go the first time, 2 years back.

While showering, some things came to mind, making sense to me. I abandoned this woman like the guy abandoned his wedding because I felt like I failed my mom. I always expected something bad when with her, as I thought she wouldn't love the me who failed. Me vacating was me trying to run from this possibility.

It's also why my ambition has been clipped. I'm approaching year 2 at my present job, having worked 3 years as a temp worker already. I've declined promotion possibilities, and it's been on my mind. "If I don't achieve anything, noone gets hurt".

It's why I won't even date anyone. "Helllllll no!" I've feared the rejection when they finally know the person I see in my mind. I've greatly feared that. Being alone has been lonely, but safe.

So that's what clicked. I wish I could say it's better now. But just like last week, along with the reality is a gratefulness.

This explains why my life's been on hold for so long.

[findingme]

I began thinking about self esteem in the last few days, as I've been wondering what I say about myself to other people by my actions.  When I looked inside, I discounted myself and desires almost regularly.  It was melancholy, to say the least.

Then, yesterday I began feeling desires and wants.......to feel good about my life, my choices, all of it.  And it didn't (seem to) come from me, since it didn't come from fear.  Just seeing my old beliefs while writing.

And I'll say ALSO in the last 24 hours, I've tried to sabotage these feelings: extra coffee mostly.  The new norm is something I've both fought and wanted many, many times.

Self sabotage has been used as a survival tactic numerous times, and I'm even listening to the soundtrack for Phantom of the Opera now, the story of an extremely talented and capable man believing he's a monster, hiding himself away from society.  Wow.  I connect with this story.

These have been my truths.  I'm writing since I'm still going forward.  LTU is rewriting beliefs slowly, and this back and forth progress I see as being right where I'm supposed to be.  I have today, and I feel good now.  Little revelations appear daily, and this makes it all worth it.  I am changing.

[findingme]

I had a string of things which happened yesterday and the day before, ending in me knowing my roots are being worked on by LTU.

2 nights ago I joined with a trader since I'm needing some capital to move ahead in my crypto deals.  Yesterday I watched returns throughout the day on my phone, and wins were consistent.  

And yesterday at work, I was doing an old route I began 4 years back.  I was on foot a lot, running from stop to stop.  This brought up memories.......which I've been trying to move on from.  For years back, I was very emotionally dependent on others, and at work I'd had some helpful (but immature) relationships with various drivers.  And while working yesterday, I realize now I was drawn to old times and memories, yet my mind was trying to keep me in today.  The healthier side is building strength, so I was able to stay in the now much of the time.  

Well, with the reality that the trading capital would free up much larger funds I possess, my mind went to orchestrating how I could do this, how and when I'd leave my job, and I began detaching emotionally from my job, again.  And this is where it hit me.

When I arrived back at the yard, I noticed I was spending more time with coworkers, not less.  I'd talk with someone a few minutes, and I was wanting to talk more, but a part of me began to do my "normal" thing of pulling away.  And something vulnerable in me came up when I finally got in my van to leave.  I was sad.  It felt strangely similar to having been with my brothers while growing up, then leaving.  Like I was saying a real "goodbye".  I knew the facts of why I was leaving, but my heart didn't know this.  

I then went shopping, as I'd planned before, in this same mind-frame.  I was melancholy, though attempting some appearance of being motivated and goal focused.  No problems in the first store--besides buying more than normal (?).  But when I was doing self-checkout in the second store, Walmart, tears came to my eyes.  Like I was saying goodbye to something or someone in my mind.  I didn't fight the tears, and I wasn't too obvious.  I realize now that I wasn't fighting the sadness since I've wanted (or rather, needed) to let this stuff go.  I've realized some of the fruits of not growing, and I'd like more life in my life.  And it does mean saying goodbye to some old ways of mine, which brings sadness. 

A day later, I'm still soft about this.  I've been trying to keep my mind busy this morning, and even a minute ago I had a little truth for me pop up.  My mind likes to go to familiar places to hide out, and I thought of old TV shows I watched when growing up.  It was like my mind said "go there, as you'll have no worries then".  Which is why I don't watch TV at all.  I have one, and have run it maybe 3 times in the last 6 years or so.  I do watch movies online, maybe 2 a month.  

If anything, I'm wondering if I need to do something more.  .....hmmm......maybe this worrying is me trying to hide from the truths I'm feeling.  That sounds true to me.  

Let it go, let it go, let it go.  Everything's gonna be alright.

[findingme]

I am becoming more aware of my old wounds as I've considered writing today, having sat down an hour ago (to possibly write).  That's where I am currently.  I share very emotionally when I write, for hiding behind fronts hurts me the most.

I'd read some UMS posts too before I began writing.  I am comparing, and actually judging myself.  Not a good spot for me, so I'll share what happened this morning.

I started my 4 day run last night, sleeping through most of it.  I usually feel good and comfortably different when I wake up.  This morning, I was mildly anxious about something, but I actually was nice to myself.  I was anxious since I found out last night the outfit I began trading with are crooks.  i wasn't so reactive like I've been in times past, but I was honest with my trader.  I didn't "hold my tongue", but compared to times past, I actually did.  In other words, I did not blame her and throw fire at her.  This was new.  I realized I had done repeat behaviour and began looking at what I was doing, more objectively this time.  

This morning is what truly got my attention though.  I was being nice to myself since part of me was looking to kick my own ass.  And I read somewhere recently (not sure where) about listening to that inner voice.  If I listen, I can ALWAYS here some inner commotion going on, like a 2 year old anxious for mom's attention.  But this morning, I was doing this inner reconciling of the opposing parts of me, and I followed something I sensed while sitting in the bathroom.  

Almost 2 years back, my old sponsor gave me a copy of Melodie Beattie's book on grief called "The Grief Club".  He bought it for me when I was using Universal Detox by itself, as I was spitting out tears and sadness daily.  I never read it, since........I've not liked grief.  That says it all: I've not liked grief.  I feel uncomfortable, out of control, and vulnerable (in my thinking, not sure why).  So most of my life.....I've just kept it in.

Well, this morning, I was sitting there on the commode, having read a page of a daily reader first.  But something quietly and gently sought me to check out the grief book.  i did the "open the book and just start reading" technique, somewhere in the middle, and began a reading about a woman who'd been sober for 13 years, and the day before had her strongest pull to relapse.  In short, she got into online casino gambling, and had lost $12K of her recent inheritance.  She felt completely powerless over both the loss and the feelings of loss.

F***.  I read where Ms. Beattie connected it to not letting go of old stuff (she'd not grieved much), and she was making sense of her client's actions, pairing it with her past.  I stopped reading right there.

And I just started crying now, knowing I'm in a similar spot.  I'm trying to "avoid, avoid, avoid" this.  I've succeeded avoiding this 99% of my life.  

I'm going in circles though.  I will complete that chapter.  No more, unless I change my mind.  

This is where I've been.  I've been stuck.  And I'm slowly grieving how it feels being stuck.  I just had hoped I'd "fly over it" using subliminals.  I know I'm not alone.  I'm not sure where I'm going, but I didn't using UD too.  I've been listening to LTU loops while writing.

[findingme]

Just read the last 2 pages of the chapter.  I'd forgot that she had shut down her grieving after being a sober adult and visiting her dad in his last days at the hospital.  She'd really wanted to clear the air, for herself.  She'd always loved his simple gestures and loving words when young, and she was older now.  When she found him attentive and available in the hospital, she asked "Daddy, do you love me?"  His response was painful.  He said "I don't know".  And she hadn't cried when he died a day later.  She got stuck.
I learned she had equated money with love growing up, so she'd excelled professionally to "earn" love.  She'd shut down near his death, but was able to grieve heavily when she lost the money to gambling.  Losing the money was akin to losing the relationship.

For myself, I have equated money with love.  Like I'm making maybe 30k now, and I'm "kind of" lovable.  Maybe, maybe not.  Just my thoughts.  But since I've had such financial gains this year, I've equated giving with  ....... receiving more love.  Yet, at the same time, I've had a fear of being hurt in a relationship.  In other words, I've isolated myself an awful lot from love.  I'm softening on LTU, and I'll just allow it to change me.  

That's what LTU is digging at: my fear of loving and being loved.  And part of this healing is admitting how much I've lost while avoiding such love.

[findingme]

Something is clicking.  I've been running Phantom of the Opera on a YT playlist, I'm running LTU ultrasonic loops, and I watched Shannon's video on visualization maybe an hour ago.  I've been thinking about how I've been seeing myself and my life presently.  Things have been changing.

These last 2 weeks I've had a different motivation while working alone in my department.  I noticed, just by my choice of actions doing my job, that I really love and enjoy artistic dance, as I'm looking for and creating work-specific moves up while going.  Even when I'm cleaning up and throwing objects in large bins at the end of my shift, I'm taking pride in my continual accuracy, for the thrill is found in the subtle perfection I attain in those little actions.  And all the while, a song in my head will be chosen which fits perfectly, and my actions often try to sync with beats---and that's cool! .  I see it as art, and I'm loving it.  

I'm taking pride in it.  I'm not even making room for old beliefs much, as all are fear-based and just suffocating of expression and creativity.  Maybe that's why I do it, for much of my mental dance performances are me expressing myself.  I enjoy it.  It hits home.  Real emotion comes with it, be it sadness, anger, hope, or whatever.  I let it out, and I've even done re-runs in my mind if I find I've gotten (emotionally) stuck in a spot.  I'll go back, and even introduce a new relevant song matching my present thinking and emotions.  I'm using music and creative dance to heal me.

Why Phantom of the Opera?  The Phantom continually sings with some anguish and unmet desire which I relate to, yet he's trying, again and again and again.  Like he's seeking some solution and redemption through his music.  Which I really relate to.  He's seeking love........but it's his insistence on a single person to fill his void is why he's deserted once again.  Christine showed her desire for him, but his violent obsession had her retreat from him.  His self-created mental prison is why she ran away, for that was not her reality.  It's a sad truth, but he had choices, if he'd checked reality as it was, not as he wanted.  

LTU is doing that for me.  As it's been bringing my blinders off, it's allowing more choice in my life.  It's a great feeling.

[findingme]

Ok. An unusual day for me, especially since I've been on LTU.

I'm listening to LTU now, and I feel sad some. This is opposite what I felt this morning, as I felt angry. I wasn't sure why until I overreacted to an unfair situation.

I worked today with a 20 year old temporary worker whose dad is one of the site's best. The son knows he can do nada, and noone says anything. It pissed me off today, and the stupidity of the reaction stirred me more. It just wasn't fair.

After lunch, something softened in me, and though I didn't look at the guy much anymore, I knew he wasn't the root which was bothering me.

Which is what is on my mind. I'm feeling grief for losing something.......maybe not so hidden....just I've never felt it before. It's like I'm saying "I DON'T WANT TO BE CHEATED AGAIN!"

I wanted "justice" served on this guy, but as I imagined me defending myself to our head boss.....I knew this was about my stuff, not him. I'm still uncomfortable, almost in tears, for I lost something a long time ago, I stuffed it away, I talked about it and around it, and thought life would exist just like that. I've not owned this so far.

Part of me is persistent on keeping it hidden, but a conscious part of me needs to air it out.

F***! Keeping it hidden has not/will not/is NOT working. It makes no sense now trying to hide it from myself. I just am having emotions move into my "now" now, and it's .......new to me.

Weird. This might be the best thing I've had happen on a subliminal.... I'm getting in touch with my self and my feelings. Not my normal, despite my lies to myself. Not normal at all. Which is fantastic! I am feeling today!

Anger, sadness, then excitement. What next? Who cares. This is life TODAY!

[Zane]

If something is bothering you just write in in your private journal or make private vlog.

Helps alot

[findingme]

Thought I'd report.  It's hurricane time staying with my sister using LTU.

I asked my sister if I could stay with her for the hurricane, as my landlord appropriately shutters up his rentals, and my only entrance to my place is a sliding glass door.  

I'm tense around my sister.  She advocates being emotionally honest and LOUD, even in public.  Unfortunately, she's rarely honest with her own emotions, just everybody else's. I don't feel safe with her.

And I've been thinking on how to handle her.  Read LTU posts last night.  Read Darth's stance on not accepting people not changing, and I sat on it.  His growth made me desire it.

I listened to one loop this morning while in bed, thinking of my sis and my growing tenseness.  I had stayed in bed, knowing my noises in the kitchen might get her up too.  I finally got up for some coffee, and she came out.  Ugh.  I made up my mind this morning, seeing myself just walking away from her while she talked, and that image is what was in my mind.  

We'd been up all of 5 minutes, and she was loud from word 1.  I barely looked at her, mumbling agreements (vs. saying "Please go away").  And after 3 minutes of her aimlessly using my ear, I took my coffee and walked out of the kitchen while she rambled.  

Thanks for creating LTU Shannon .  Old victim or manipulation tools might have been used before, but I handled myself peacefully, purposefully, and effectively.  The stress wasn't in control this time.  I had visualized myself taking action.

[findingme]

I had an amazing experience last night running LTU.  I've never had this happen.  

I ran ultrasonic loops all night on my Chromebook laptop.  The drive is almost full, and making sets of loops requires too much space, so I just looped it.  This was in addition to running hybrid throughout the day for 30 minutes to an hour several times during the day.  I'd done that since I got real pissed at my sister, cleaned up quickly, and took a walk which rain shortened.  So I isolated a few times with my laptop, I'd listen to LTU to calm myself some, and it did help.

Here's what was different about sleep.  I'd swear I'd gotten 10-12 hours sleep, as I dreamt numerous times.  I only got 8 hours sleep. This isn't normal for me.  But what REALLY stuck with me was an awareness after a dream that I have acclimated to so much fear.  So much.  I thought "I've listened to 10+ hours today, I feel good, and I can live with less fear running LTU more".  Logically, this might be debatable.  But damn, feeling free is a drug in itself.  

I was seeing how I'd look for my fear triggers at home, and wrap myself up in them daily.  I'm going to experiment with more LTU loops when home.  I'll change as needed, but damn, freedom is a whole new desirable thing.  No rush.  No stress.  What a night.

[findingme]

I'd been running LTU as prescribed for months most of the time.  No major issues, either good or bad.

BUT I realized my own self love was seriously missing.   I was thinking better (other's perceptions), I felt better about my life (mine and other's perceptions), but I knew a major hole existed.  When I was quiet and introspective enough, I felt that inner pain and unhappiness linked to old memories and perceptions of myself.  I even stopped writing (maybe good), for I realized I still was angry and expectant of any/everyone to fill that gap in me, and I'd come here angry but being "cordial".  I knew something was missing.  I still was talking to people with huge shields up.  

I'd been on and off the forum, watching some people on UMS (and those previously on LTU5).  I was wondering how people were progressing.  I've recently enjoyed Shannon's guidance of EP while using UMS, and I read he advised EP to carpet bomb to break through the resistance.  Within a day, I decided I was ready for this too.

I began sleeping with LTU looping overnight.  I'd just turn it on when I got home and keep it running (on ultrasonic).  A little brain tired the first 2 days, but none now, 5 days in.  

What I realized initially while doing heavy looping was an anger.  I'd not felt anger in ages on this, but I felt it.  Something felt wrong in me.  One member here shared I was probably mad since I'd "adopted" other people's beliefs of myself, like what they thought was true.  YES!  This has been true.  Even today I was aware of myself around others, as I noticed I'd do almost anything for acceptance, which was dismissing me and who I am.  I felt almost angry driving to work imagining doing or saying things with a newer "stay out of my s***" kind of attitude.  I've been doing the old attitude for over a year now.  However, nothing much happened today, likely since I wasn't reacting to normal hooks I'd be pulled in by.  

Also, I almost forgot about this, but I realized a major reason for my anger has been an old die-hard victim mentality.  I realized this the 2nd day, remembering my mom whining after making poor choices.  My mom passed in July, but her legacy was mostly a learned helplessness.  She drank her entire life, and I'm compassionate now knowing intuitively she was trying to keep some trauma buried.  I have yet to fully grieve, but some is coming out at unexpected moments.

And I have held this same f***ing victim mentality.  By itself, that attitude would make someone drink.  I've used coffee instead of alcohol (gotta use something), and LTU is ...... changing me.  An invisible reaction (to me) has been evident lately.  Specifically, I've been aware these last few days how QUICKLY I turn away from beautiful women.  2 at work I did that to today.  And I was at a gas station taking a break, and this simple beautiful young woman walks in at the same time  I do, I open the door for her, and.........I felt afraid inside.  Like she might get to know me (and hurt me).  All sorts of fears actually.  She left, but when I was checking out, I noticed her in the store again.  I wanted to talk to her.  I thought "she's cute, alone, and.........nahhh"  

Girls can't fix this, so I'm looping LTU right now.  Maybe it's TID from DMSI, but I too have woken up today to women all around me.  And I feel attractive.  Returning to the fear of a girl knowing me, I realized just moments ago I'm looking for OLD tools to fix this with.  They're all intelligent avoidance tactics.  I'll keep it running tonight.

@Shannon I will admit I do not have a clear idea of when to stop carpet bombing.  I do not have a ratio of days on/days off.  May I ask for your suggestion as a template I could follow?  Thank you.