Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Cool. Yeah, I've had a bad habit of handing responsibility over to others for my own shit too. Still do have that problem tbh. It's cool you're breaking free of that. Would you say the subs played a majour role in that? If so, I really look forward to getting LTU5.

[findingme]

Did subs play a role? Absolutely.

Overcome the Victim Mentality was kept intact in E3 when he upgraded E2, but then......wow....he made OTVM a whole sub inside of LTU. This was also a major reason I picked up LTU. My very first post in this thread I shared that.

So yes. I realized I was uncomfortable quickly when my thoughts went that way, for feeling powerless used to be a regular habit when under stress. I used it since I manipulated people into helping me. And I always felt low about myself when doing it. Shannon's explanation of the victim mindset for OTVM on the LTU sales page hit home for me. It is, and has always been, nothing but true for me.

[findingme]

Easy day. But major revelations while coming home, knowing I could drop my mask. Damn, those things piss me off. I'm scared, sad, and angry at this right now.

I don't feel proud at all coming here just to validate myself. I come with expectations and hopes of this every day ("am I good enough now? Will you love me now?").

I'm still hiding behind a mask. I put up these feelers for what people like, and like a kid, I act according to what attention I receive. I do that here, at work, and any place where I might get some attention.

Why? .................

Attention was equal to love while growing up. Attention just wasn't available in my house from my mom. So I've felt empty and knew I could perform to get some attention. But fear of rejection created a wall separating the true me from the me you knew.

I'm tired of performing! Fricken clueless as to who I am since my workplace requires performance, which is where I get some. Just a game. Just a game.

Mad at myself for not having answers too.

[findingme]

I guess I get scared when major revelations pop up. This happened on UD, as I was very mad at first, yet it was focused. It wasn't wildfire rage. Just anger coming from feeling some of the pain behind the mask.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I like that every day, it seems you're making new progress and more revelations pop up for you to clear emotional baggage with. I feel like I mostly just repeat myself over and over on my journal. "I'm lonely, I'm lonely. I hope E2 works. I hope LTU5 will work. When I get LTU5, I'm gonna make friend making my goal. Did I mention how lonely I am yet? Here's a video to illustrate my point:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEaKX9YYHiQ&t=8s "

BTW, I thought UD just detoxifies you of physical toxins in the body... the way you make it sound, it sounds like UD also detoxifies people emotionally. Am I correct in assuming that's the case?

[findingme]

you encouraged me, and I was laughing at your words. Team America! F*** yeah! I watched it with my wife when it came out. Me playing prudish back then wondered why I was watching that "vulgar" movie. It's funny now!

UD is for body, mind, and emotions. From my understanding, whatever is toxic in your mind, body, or emotions is focused on by UD. I never, ever expected it to hit my lying to myself. Feeling it today, shaking (from tears) while writing. I've tried to hide this elephant my entire life. Thank *** for UD!

[findingme]

Realized I played on day 5 yesterday. So I'll do my 2 day break starting tonight.

The declutter module is showing up this morning. Got out of my shower, and focused my eyes right on my unmade bed, walking forward, kicking stuff out of the way. In my mind I felt exhilarated since I saw clean. Something else is in this realization though.

When I see clean in my mind, I'm looking at one spot. A single area. My room symbolizes a lot of my life. Literally, my eyes almost always scan my entire room, knowing this is undone, that there too, and it encourages anxiety. Like I depend on it.

I realize I've been doing this at work too. Those big picture scans, promoting insecurity in me. Like I'm reliving some childhood norm, the norm of fear and uncertainty.

Going into work, but thought I'd drop that. It's so true.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Hopefully you'll figure something out Findingme. I too am facing problems I don't yet have a solution to.

[findingme]

you will EP. You will, in time

[findingme]

I'd like to share something which happened yesterday which made me feel good. Anger Management and the forgiveness modules came through.

I was working on the yard, running a crew of temporary workers, and I had to relocate a trailerful of clean trash cans to the opposite side of the plant. I took one regular temp with me who is pretty lazy (I wanted another, but he was busy). I had to back up the trailer close to a bay door so we could roll the cans inside.

So, the temp got out of the truck when we drove to our drop-off spot. I thought he'd direct me back, which is what is safe and productive. Me relying on such help helps us get things done smoothly and quickly. When I looked back, he had sat down on a concrete barrier, acting like he didn't GAF (his norm). I backed up towards my area--and I tried something new.

Since I'm trying to improve my backing skills, I chose to watch only one mirror. I find I overcompensate when using both mirrors, making me weave. Well, I chose one mirror with the temp in view, looking for directions or warnings if I got too close to anything not in my vision.

WHACK! I hit the dumpster with the left part of the trailer, as I was using the right mirror. W T F??!!! He didn't respond, react, cue me....NOTHING!! I got out and this ******** laughed, thinking it funny that I'd done this. This pissed me off........but it moreso told me "trust in this guy and you'll be hurt". It quickly jerked me back to memories of needing a brother and..... being disappointed.

I knew nothing else about handling my anger but just brewing on it. This POS was completely unaware he'd just f***** me up right in front of the mechanics, the supervisors.......damn...........so I thought "F*** him" and just worked around him. I stayed quiet. Stupid IDIOT!!

I should mention I'd been successful working with these guys this day, looking and learning ways to have us all work together. This required that I adapt and listen to what worked for all of us, me admitting I was wrong a few times. And even while brewing, a (new) part of me wondered how this may work out to be a feel-good situation. Huh???

Me and this same temp worker had to drive to another part of the yard after this to reload with more cans, and I was paying attention to him with my quietness. Like I was trying to manipulate some change (I'd never seen this before, honestly). I did clearly and slowly say "that wasn't cool" and nothing else. We got out to load up the trailer, and I really WANTED this to work out for the good. I hung on to this good feeling......and I chose to return to my anger again. I was right, so.......I'd stay angry. (But miserable......)

Suddenly, a feeling washed over me. What was this?! Forgiveness. I accepted it since it instantly untightened my chest. This is what I really wanted....but I didn't think........it possible. I even "thought" I should remain miserable (angry) since......that's all my family ever did (no kidding, I saw my mom in my head)

But it was so damn EASY letting this go. I am usually stubborn, but this felt better. And desired. My anger dissolved. I won't be so naive with this temp again, but that was over now. I was not hanging onto that feeling of rage and disappointment. I also wasn't just hiding it from myself, which I've done many times. I felt better, and the rest of day we communicated pretty well. No burning embers of this situation remained.

I felt different at the end of my day, knowing things had worked out pretty darn good. I'd succeeded well managing these guys, and LTU had truly helped in managing ME. This was a really, really good day

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Cool! I'm glad you're seeing more benefits from LTU5. This temp will reap what he sews when his reputation for being a shitty worker gets him less work, I'm sure. It all comes back around eventually. And when it does, he'll probably be pissed off and clueless, thinking he's being unfairly screwed out of something he's entitled to. Just let his own actions  lead to the natural consequences. That attitude gets you nowhere, believe me. I've had it before. Although I wasn't such a jackass about it.

[findingme]

Thought I'd remind you EP. I'm not brewing on this anymore Shannon put more focus on the forgiveness modules in V.5, an update even from V.4. And it worked GREAT for me!

In times pre-E2, I would have brewed on it and made myself quite a miserable man. This was my only known tool if left to deal with it alone. But E2, just this last year, had me deciding to focus on me and not others. Being safe and at peace was WAY more attractive than brewing on hate. E2 is slightly slower, yet the results kept me in peace MUCH of the time.

I can't change other people. Never could. Me changing is the most exciting and fulfilling experience I've ever had.

This.........is beauty.

[findingme]

Three things to share.

First, I started LTU up with only one day of break. No planning more than five minutes of thought. But old self-hate messages have been creeping up steadily trying to keep their place in my life. No way. I ran loops tonight.

Secondly, I'd dropped in bed early to listen to loops. I remember tears creeping up one time, and this has happened when I'd periodically put on OGSF 5G in times past when locked up in fear. Like my fears were being crumbled, and tears were a release. I've had this strong feeling that I am the next target to forgive. Seriously, I've been facing some real ass-kicking, and I'm both the giver and the receiver. This game, if not ended, could harm me more, and I'm not ok with this. This is growing in me. And tonight I'm getting a strong pull to forgive myself.

And lastly, my mom went into the hospital these last two days, as she was having trouble breathing. She's had pneumonia. She's home now; my brother had been caring for her.

She asked if I could come over tomorrow and stay til noon on Sunday. I said yes. Why? Since I really don't feel afraid. Kind of like when my brother was attacking me verbally. My reason for going is I'm curious. Curious to know how i'll react or be unaffected, and stuff like that. She'll be the same, but how have I changed? This is why I'm on LTU, to heal myself.

An add-on about my mom: I've been seeing her in my mind, and I'm becoming so aware that she puts on masks frequently. From smiling to angry looks in seconds; masks don't work so well now. But it's a stress buster knowing I didn't start wearing masks all on my own. Me blaming is an old distraction too. I will change me. I'll report when I come home Sunday.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm rooting for you man. I'm sure you'll handle her just fine