Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Good to see you progressing man! Keep it up. You'll overcome your fears! I believe in you.

[Shannon]

Let go of expectations of your mother. Accept her as she actually is, and adjust yourself accordingly. Disconnect as necessary, adjust as necessary, care for yourself as necessary. Guilt shame fear is useless. You must love yourself to be able to love others. The truth will set you free; lies chain you down. Living the truth and being honest is amazingly freeing.

[findingme]

I became aware this morning that I'm avoiding awareness of some past trauma in my life. I also realized I've been doing this for eons. I woke up, haven't got up, and even desired just to sleep it away. While thinking about sleeping, old fear and feelings were stirring just underneath, not openly. I thought "it's Easter, yet I'd rather let this process do its thing today". It just feels right taking care of me

I ran SIA right after my LTU loops yesterday, and am still running it. While lying here, I had enough want and courage to step closer to the root of what was stirring, and I realized that that's why I rarely remember dreams. Some big memory is being worked on. I've not even thought or felt I was overwhelmed either.

This encourages me. I'm not locked down by fear.

[findingme]

I was reading Paul's LTU journal, and he began laughing in the midst of a stressful exchange with his wife. I shared a short rendition of the story below, but the auric shield worked great for me 2 weeks back. This happened, and I didn't share it. Catch-up time.

Two weeks back, I was doing laundry at a laundromat , and I looked next to my washer–and my brother was putting his laundry in a machine. I associate my brother with anger, because ANY conversation begun with him ultimately leads to something/someone/anyone who’s hurt or betrayed him. This day was no different. However, this day I was different.

I made my presence known, and he immediately began his monologue. Sadly, this is his norm, no kidding. He’d ask how I was occasionally, but he’d ignore me and continue his monologue. I shared about my ex and daughter (good things), and he began spitting out resentments about his ex-wife. He brought my ex into his bitching, and 2 minutes later I stopped him. He obviously wanted a bitching buddy, but I shared I’d rather not talk about everyone else. He continued for a minute, then asked me why I didn’t want to hear him talk about them.

I told him I thought it was repulsive (I said exactly that). Nothing ever changes, it spirals out of control, and nothing good comes out of it. I said something like that too. Like a small boy, he left. His feelings were hurt. I thought he’d distance himself, and I didn’t mind. I decided to distance myself and relieve some tension, so I began taking a walk. He called out for me 10 seconds later. He approached me, almost dangerously, but I didn’t change my posture. He vented again, spewing out times he felt I'd hurt him (from even 10 years back), and I kept looking at him, not reacting. I felt a smile growing on my face since his anger and fear were not owning me nor even affecting me much. This was his s***, not mine. And this was very new for me.

He did change directions once, asking if I was still doing counseling. He wondered if I were talking to people all the time. I said no, and I continued by saying I’d done that, but nothing had changed much for me. I said I was doing something different now, and it was really helping me. He wondered what it was, and I told him I was listening to silent healing subliminals. He was wary immediately, but I clearly told him subliminals were just instructions to follow, and I felt good. He did not pursue it, and I’ve not shared anything more with him.

We walked back to the laundromat, and he stopped me, insisting on one last angry victim stance (for he "knows" what I should be doing. Whatever). He complained of his life’s results, sharing how bad he had it, and gave me his last stand. He said I just needed to “fucking grow up”. My smile wasn’t hidden well, as I just looked at him. This miserable man was telling me how to live life??? He had nothing I wanted, nothing at all, so his words just bounced off me. I stood there, unintimidated and un-needy, saying nothing, and he walked away. I owed him nothing.

While leaving myself, I considered sending him a text asking him if he would like to try out subs, but even now, that mentality angers me. If he wants to burn bridges, let 'em burn.

What really stuck out to me is this: I don’t want or like the victim mentality anymore. I recognized it immediately, I’d been noticing it all of that week, I’d been looking for it in my life, and I was seeing it and making new choices for myself. I shared this incident with my 2 friends who I played Cashflow with an hour later, and one (my old sponsor), said I’ve really grown. He said nothing like that would have been possible 10 years back when he was sponsoring me. And it’s true.

LTU has had major positive repercussions in my life. And it's been incredibly easy to allow such changes the longer I use it. I can do this

[Shannon]

LIKE!

[Zane]

My younger brother is like this. I see alot of issues in him.

Lack of patience.
Hanging out with low quality people who have no purpose in life. All they do is brag.
Self-esteem Issues.
Materialistic obsessions.
Highway expectations.
Gets nervous around girls and acts weird.

I mean alot of stuff. He has even tried to bring me down by saying that I am a burden on my family as I am good for nothing.. But this is changing really fast.

I did ask him if he would like solve his issues using subliminals and he was like "I control my life and not some God damn MP3 or audio..

He even started making fun of me for depending on some wishful MP3. Whenever we had any sort of argument..

So, I stopped talking about subliminals with my family and whenever my family see any sort of change in my attitude and ask me how how I did it.. All I would say that "With time you have to change and adapt".. Thats all.. I am done.

I will only worked on myself, become a living example and surpass them...

[findingme]

Yeah Zane. Other's uncomfortableness with their life choices ultimately.....is theirs to fix. Some twisted thinking mixed with denial has them pointing fingers and making us the problem.

It's BS. Invalid. Not true. And nothing more than a distraction from the fact that they're scared of some truth in their life.

I will only worked on myself, become a living example and surpass them...

That is one truth that every great leader I've read on has pointed to. Change myself, and life will definitely change for the good. Me taking responsibility for my words, actions, and thoughts........changes everything. You shared powerful words there.

[findingme]

Saw my friends today, and we talked a lot about subliminal usage, as I learned they're seeing me growing quicker and easier than they've ever seen. My old sponsor even admitted he's even comparing me and the other guy's tools for success. I use subs to change my thinking, and thus, my life. The other guy still does a lot of affirmations and constant reading and reminding himself of his goals. We agreed on one thing, which was we can be our biggest critics, which again, is all in our thinking. This second guy's asked about subs, I've given him a copy of one free one (a competitor's), but he's never used it. I don't fault him. He learns more from actual results, and he's got some old denial patterns which I relate to. Plus, he's stubborn We'll see.

But the big thing that popped up today is a growing discomfort with my using people while I intentionally give nothing back. I had a good hour after the game to talk with my old sponsor alone, and I admitted I'm becoming more uncomfortable with this in my life. I don't feel good about having relationships with people when my main reason is to get something: attention, money, anything really.

Then I was riding home on my scooter, took a corner, and my automatic transmission disengaged. My motor ran, but no drive. I drifted into a business's parking lot, and called my old sponsor. 2 calls, no answer, so I waited. 10 minutes later, I realized my sister lived closer, so I texted her. She replied immediately. She and her boyfriend came with a trailer, saving me a lot of stress.

But while waiting on her, I realized she's one I use. I don't get near her emotionally at all (I put on a face a lot when with her), so that's what I'm referring to when I mention using people. This is from UD. It clears up my relational lies and bulls***.

While waiting on her, I called my old sponsor, and he picked up. I shared I'd gotten help, and we talked until they came. During this talk, I uncomfortably admitted the using mentality and behavior with my sister, and that it points out my immature mindset; it makes me realize I've hung onto it since without it.........I'd actually have to grow up. He threw out his standard dry humor: "oh no, you don't want to do that. No way. Don't ever do that." We'd had some laughs even on this talk, but this truth is slowly cooking in me and heating up gradually. This is my biggest change in me today. It's only uncomfortable........ since I do this in MANY relationships. Dang, nearly all of them.

UD is cleaning house in me again. But I'm not overwhelmed, and I'm not a crying mess. I'm saddened and a bit tired, but not wiped out. LTU is a very doable and relevant subliminal for me.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm really glad LTU5 is working for you, findingme. 
I have the same issues with using people too, and I feel really bad about it. I really hope for a chance to set things right with some of the people I've hurt and used in the past. Until then, I've just gotta work on myself and not have such a self centered mentality. 

I'm glad you're growing out of it findingme. I'm glad to see LTU5 working so well and can't wait to get started on it myself.

[findingme]

I like your aim EP. It took me some time to get to that point. You're growing faster than you're aware of.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I like your aim EP.  It took me some time to get to that point.  You're growing faster than you're aware of.

Well I've had some really hard to swallow truth pills kinda shoved down my throat. People really telling me like it is. It's not like this understanding came about on it's own. Truth is, I'm tired of having people who really get to know me tell me why I suck so hard then wanting nothing to do with me. I really want to change that aspect of my reality. But yeah, at least it's helping me grow.

[Benjamin]

Awesome (the post about how you handled your brother.)

I barely see my sister or talk to her, she doesn't go off on me like that but she's incredibly negative, and half the time if I do see her she's just fucking grumpy in general. On E2 she started calling me which was unusual, but usually if she does call me it is literally an hour of her complaining about all kinds of shit and me barely saying anything, so half the time I don't even answer or ring back.

I keep meaning to reconnect, but that never lasts long.

[Greenduck]

Dude, amazing progress. Good job!

[findingme]

Damn. I'm not really, really wanting to do this--to be honest here. But not doing so moves me closer to what I really don't want. I'm just uncertain of the followup. It's scaring me, but fear has a habit of screaming loud when I'm making changes. I'm also listening to music which is pointing to emotional truths for me, and it's got me tearing up considering I'm about to tell on myself. Here goes.


I got those last few replies from Ben and Greenduck, and I felt a fear of responding. Why? Since I love being given, but............ And that's when I've stopped most of my life. The "using people" pattern is what I'm referring to. "If I don't put my heart into a relationship, I won't get hurt". I'm going to just spit this out...

I'm afraid of me needing a male friend again. Ben's and Greenduck's maturity levels have shown up and gone up in the last few years......and I'm reliving now some imagined rejection when I actually need help. Being more experienced with something (like sharing here) is easier since I can safely hide behind it, but could i ever trust again? Crying hard now.



In my mind I'm about 50 feet away from the outside of me and my brothers bedroom window at around 12 years old. I often think of that since....when he snuck out at night, he went through that window. One day he just never returned. He left home. That burnt me hard since I was very dependent on him. He, the monologuer, told me his side maybe 10 years back. I didn't share or even feel mine then, as I still had protective walls up.

LTU seems to gently pushing me to let this go...........I'd say it is continually encouraging me to, for I'm not free yet. I keep feeling like I still have some grief to face, as I work with all guys, some are really trustworthy, and I've got some BS walls up. I'm becoming more aware of my "shields" I hold up around these guys.

Even my BS walls now I'd rather be honest about. I'm more tears now than logic.

Evidence of old ties to my brother: I stopped at the end of my last sentence with an unspoken "help me. I'm scared"; that long pause that signals one needs help. My brother often intervened, saving me from shame and embarrassment.

I do have more to let go of here. I may start LTU loops early today (I stayed home). I don't have answers. I am just feelings presently. Looping an emotional song on YT is helping this come out too. It seems like I've been waiting over 30 years now, wishing this would have a different ending.