Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

I picked up LTU v.5 today.  I went ahead with it although I'd been on some other effective subliminals, but mixing UD, E3, SE, and OTVM in one sub is why I'm back.  I expect this sub to change and challenge my thinking, remove some lifelong standards, and..........relax me too.
I'll admit I'm a little nervous (I'm on my 2nd loop now), but.....I've felt like this before and had major changes as I kept going.  

What do I seek to change?

1.  The victim mentality.  This morning, hours before starting LTU, I thought of what I was expecting in my interactions.  I realized that unconsciously I shifted to a non-verbal mentality of "someone else feed me", a mix of feeling sorry for myself and manipulating others to respond.  I also realized......it tears down any self esteem I hold on to.  F*** that.  Even my anger at this seems pointed to manipulating others to "do for me what I should do for myself".  Again, OTVM is a major reason for picking this up.

2.  Letting go of my past.  I'm unsure how this will happen, it's closely linked with the former paragraph.  They're tied together, in fact.

3.  Being honest with myself first, then others.  I ran UD almost 2 years back, and it powerfully worked at my self-dishonesty which I was clearly unaware of beforehand.  I became much, much more honest with myself, and I was not so guarded with my words.  I became unafraid to simply say something I was thinking, and I saw life much more beautifully than I ever had.  UD changed my life.  

4.  Being happy and joyful, despite life's happenings.  The only downfall of using UD--for me--was that I was sad and crying a lot.  I was grieving a lot of life lost, and it dwindled, but even Shannon replied in my UD journal about needing some happiness and joy.  LTU is a smart mix of subs  .

5.  Lastly, I'm seeking something that existed in the old LTU, and it's actually why I bought it a year back: self reliance.  I've been using another alpha subliminal since mid December, and I became aware very quickly how dependent I was to others around me.  The old LTU had self reliance in its scripting, I remember Shannon saying in his personal journal he was going to include the old LTU in LTU 5.5G, but in the recent sales pages, I've not seen it mentioned. @Shannon, is self reliance scripted in this new version?  

I have hope in this.  With the new FRM, the whole Magnus engine, and Shannon editing needed changes (going from v.4 to v.5 already), I'm grateful I'm here.  Thank you for all the hard work you've put in Shannon.

[findingme]

I can identify what I'm really seeking.  I'm seeking real responsibility for myself.  Call it self reliance, growing up, being a man, or whatever.  The fruit of waiting for anyone else to tell me the best decisions in life is degrading to my sense of self worth, and thus, my identity.  Leaves me feeling ....needy.  

Still running loops now.  That awareness came to me.  Not sure where it'll take me.......but it feels good following this training. 

[Shannon]

I picked up LTU v.5 today.  I went ahead with it although I'd been on some other effective subliminals, but mixing UD, E3, SE, and OTVM in one sub is why I'm back.  I expect this sub to change and challenge my thinking, remove some lifelong standards, and..........relax me too.
I'll admit I'm a little nervous (I'm on my 2nd loop now), but.....I've felt like this before and had major changes as I kept going.  

What do I seek to change?

1.  The victim mentality.  This morning, hours before starting LTU, I thought of what I was expecting in my interactions.  I realized that unconsciously I shifted to a non-verbal mentality of "someone else feed me", a mix of feeling sorry for myself and manipulating others to respond.  I also realized......it tears down any self esteem I hold on to.  F*** that.  Even my anger at this seems pointed to manipulating others to "do for me what I should do for myself".  Again, OTVM is a major reason for picking this up.

2.  Letting go of my past.  I'm unsure how this will happen, it's closely linked with the former paragraph.  They're tied together, in fact.

3.  Being honest with myself first, then others.  I ran UD almost 2 years back, and it powerfully worked at my self-dishonesty which I was clearly unaware of beforehand.  I became much, much more honest with myself, and I was not so guarded with my words.  I became unafraid to simply say something I was thinking, and I saw life much more beautifully than I ever had.  UD changed my life.  

4.  Being happy and joyful, despite life's happenings.  The only downfall of using UD--for me--was that I was sad and crying a lot.  I was grieving a lot of life lost, and it dwindled, but even Shannon replied in my UD journal about needing some happiness and joy.  LTU is a smart mix of subs  .

5.  Lastly, I'm seeking something that existed in the old LTU, and it's actually why I bought it a year back: self reliance.  I've been using another alpha subliminal since mid December, and I became aware very quickly how dependent I was to others around me.  The old LTU had self reliance in its scripting, I remember Shannon saying in his personal journal he was going to include the old LTU in LTU 5.5G, but in the recent sales pages, I've not seen it mentioned. @Shannon, is self reliance scripted in this new version?  

I have hope in this.  With the new FRM, the whole Magnus engine, and Shannon editing needed changes (going from v.4 to v.5 already), I'm grateful I'm here.  Thank you for all the hard work you've put in Shannon.

The script from the previous-to-5.5G version of LTU is in this program in its entirety, upgraded to current standards.  It's in there.

[findingme]

A little proof that LTU's working.

I have been chatting on IG with my trader/miner who is overseas for work presently. I was asking questions about a deal I'm considering stepping in to, and 2 minutes ago, I began sharing why I'd not done it before, somberly, discouraging actually, and.........seeking understanding or agreement why I was right in unprofitable decisions before.

I'd begun writing this (actually I use voice-to-text on my phone to save time), and I stopped. Something stopped me. It wasn't anger induced, self blaming, nor self criticizing, just a gut-feeling to stop puking my past. I stopped.

Overcome The Victim Mentality in LTU works!

[findingme]

I bought LTU5 yesterday, and I'd planned it by taking 2 vacation days off work since I read of some exhaustion starting LTU.  My equally important reason for taking time off is to prioritize and finalize my plans for money coming from a business deal.  But tiredness and exhaustion-- I've not had anything show up yet.  

I did choose to get up and take a walk before starting my day.  Just got back.  I noticed something beautiful while I was walking through my neighborhood.  I work in the garbage industry presently, and I noticed mailbox numbers, a habit developed for work.  I went into my work mentality for a moment......and felt a normal fear I've held, the fear of critical bosses which has made me feel less of myself, like less competent.   But........the fear fell away in like 2 seconds.  What?  It was replaced with a feeling of freedom instantly.  I like this!  LTU is having some fantastic benefits.

I noticed some other changes too.  When I first began walking, I felt like I was much more willing to be social.  My norm is to walk feeling guarded, as I normally walk to just be in my head, away from everyone else.  I felt a joy, a hope, and even some excitement for seeing others I know.  This is entirely new.  

One other thing (I just remembered this).  I've felt guilt and shame when imagining quitting my job once I have other income streams in place.  I noticed I did NOT feel that guilt this morning!  This guilt has restrained me from imagining and visualizing possibilities for months now, literally.  That makes LTU priceless to me. 

I'm grateful I picked up LTU.

[findingme]

3 "firsts" happened today, coming from LTU.

I was driving to go do some errands this morning, but I'd put on E2, thinking it would help with some of the resistance to change I was feeling and fearing. This lasted no more than 10 minutes. I really love LTU's effects, I know it's probably---no, it was--sabotaging what LTU was doing (I could feel it), so I stopped E2 on my phone. I did this purposely, allowing myself to feel what I was afraid of. I also strongly suspected LTU's influence in my thinking would override my desire to run from fear, and it happened, within seconds after I stopped E2.
I've never stopped my own sabotaging efforts so easily before.

Which led me to my second 1st. I'd listened to LTU last night, but it got louder in my head as I got out of my cozy bedroom to do my errands. There was an old fear trying to make noise, trying to scare me back to my "normal" habits, but......it was noticeably weaker. So much so that I began crying. The first here was my tears were tears of joy. I've heard of them numerous times, but I'd never done that.

And lastly, on a practical level, I've begun making notes of things I need to do. I realize I've maintained a level of low self esteem by thinking something was important, thinking on it.......and consciously (and subconsciously) ignoring it.....forgetting it.....and by doing that, it maintained some level of regret and failure in my life.

I made a grocery list yesterday on my phone. I rarely make lists, but I was watching my budget.
I even made a note while out today to check on an account I've preparing to make a major withdrawal from. For years, I'd dismiss the key things which would make something successful, and thus, success has been missed (or avoided) time and time again, promoting feelings of helplessness and self pity. Again, this maintained feelings of failure and regret.

Which reminds me, I have to speak to my landlord about something. (Just made a note)

These are firsts for me. And it feels "easy".

[Benjamin]

Using E2 like that makes no sense other than your mind trying to get you to escape something by using an older program that won't be as effective.. seeing that E3 is in LTU. But good you were able to recognize it.

[findingme]

Yeah, I was trying to forego responsibility on this, make it ok by dismissing it, but it (fortunately) felt wrong the longer I resumed it. So I did it, and then I quickly wanted out. Avoiding responsibility for ME felt wrong.

This was a valuable experience. I don't like pain and discomfort. And me denying it didn't work. To me, that change is AWESOME!

[findingme]

I'm torn on sharing. I had some dreams which still hang in my emotions, my gut, and it feels similar to whining for me. I'll write and see where this goes.

I think.....no...I know that my old ways of whining to receive support are still active. But why I'm writing is I had a dream (details not clear). At the end of it, I felt not like myself. I was angry at my situation and the results I'd created. And my anger came from strength, not fear and weakness. I was angry since I'd watched things go by and had done nothing. I'd ignored the need to change. And this is fully alive in my thinking this morning.

Tiredness showed up this morning too.

[findingme]

I'm in that spot I've read about recently, and it's similar to my beginning days on UD. I'm disgusted with myself. Every single time I want to write I look for a mask to wear, and this is who I am currently. Running day 4 loops presently, and I find it much easier to find grief than find happiness. Well, correcting that I'll say I can find "excitement", but that's a mix of fear and hope mixed, so it's not desirable.

Hours ago my mind got stimulated, and I imagined writing here freely. But I stopped myself a couple of times in my mental movie. I asked "is this me?" I couldn't say yes either time. I know one time I was excitedly saying agreeable, funny, interesting things. I was living off of other's acceptance. I see, now, that it's a fear driven race which can be halted or derailed at any given time for any reason at all.

And I feel like me more now that I've been honest. I can be me now.

This is what it felt like near the end of my UD solo run. I can do this. Peace

UD is in LTU. I knew something would come up. For now, I'll sit with this. Peace feels good.

[findingme]

Wow. I had a very full day of emotional experiences.

This was my first day around others since I began LTU. I'll list different experiences which happened today, followed by which subs I'm seeing active.

What's sticking with me now is this growing..........need, desire, goal.....to break free from painful norms and beliefs I've held on to. I came home, thought I'd have some coffee......but I use it to squelch me......... Listening to some music now, and am moved. It's like this message in my thinking is loud---"I CAN SUCCEED! I WILL SUCCEED!" Now, that's exciting to me. (USLM, UD, OTVM, Empowerment scripting)

Today I was picking up trash cans from delinquent customers (it's not in our taxes here; personal subscription only). I came to this condo association, geared for older people. I found my stop, saw the can, and I also saw this very old man out on his porch. I approached him since I wanted to make sure it was his (he was in a duplex unit). He loudly, not angrily, let me know he couldn't hear me. I got down on one knee close to him, and his face lit up. He told me quickly it'd take 3 years to answer my "how are you doing?" question. I learned he had some disease which eats his brain, and he'd had 2 brothers pass away from it. His wife came out minutes later, and he bridled his excitement some. She was cool. I stayed maybe 5 minutes. (DNS, UD, socializing module from LTU3.1)

But as I was loading the can, a very attractive woman in her 50's from across the street came over and asked if I had any new cans. I said softly that it was another driver giving those cans. I mention this since I picked up this distinct vibe she was attracted to me. My words had been gentle, mostly since I couldn't fill her request. I saw a deep twinkle and desire in her eyes, and I felt it. I felt a desire I've not felt in years. It was a desire for emotional intimacy. I want more of that! (Improve Your Love Live module, SE, FRM, UD)

Then, while driving, I thought of my socializing experiences at church in years past. Just imagining and remembering this, I quickly went to the one constant I'd always gone to: fear of rejection, and ultimately, fears of abandonment. And............I couldn't go there like I always have. The thought that came forward was "is (this fear) really true?" I've NEVER thought that. I was having all kinds of experiences, thoughts, and feelings this day (E3, UD, SE).

And lastly, one visit I experienced was a family I could clearly identify with, and it stuck with me since I saw me and my family in theirs. 3 adults were outside sitting on their porch midday (ages 30-70), they were poor, and since I heard the great grandma (?) walk away and begin cussing me for breaking up the denial party, I noticed and owned some of the shame in this place. I had grown up like this. I saw it in their faces, I saw the lies ("we always pay our bills!"), and the obvious cues of trying to make it sound believable--when it wasn't. Trying to look professional, I went to my truck, and I called my super to check. I learned they hadn't paid a bill in 9 months. I almost went back......but didn't. I left their can. Talking with another coworker about this at the end of the day, I realized I'd gone to that familiar belief that I was powerlessness. I'd picked up the shame there, looked for my place in it, and I just did what I'd always done, which is ignore the problems on the table, hoping noone would see it, me included. The auric shield, E3, SE, OTVM, and Break Free From Your Past were all working in this incident. Maybe UD too, since I noticed me pulling out of the shame spiral. Shame grows when I lie to myself, and I DID NOT want to stay there! GRRRRR.....HELL NO!!!

This was the fullest emotional day I've had in years. Good. Bad. Everything. It was very, very real for me.

[findingme]

Running my loops now. My days off were not majorly different, but I did see myself leaning toward a bad mood today. I didn't set my alarm last night, woke up late, and walking into work, I imagined my boss thinking less of me. I've had that thought most of the day.

I'm stuck on some thought in that. Oh yeah. It clicked as I was writing that I view my boss exactly like I view my mom. That message is "I failed. I will fail". I grew up thinking I was responsible for my mom's happiness, and as a lone alcoholic, she was rarely happy. Mostly scared (of finances), unable to care for us emotionally as children, and modeling self hate every day. It was never talked about, and I blamed myself for it. I didn't understand that when younger, I just fought and strived to "make her love me". I think of my boss in that very same light. Maybe E3 is bringing this up (?).

I'll stop with that. That was my day today. Running loops now.

[findingme]

Something else which I need to include.

I have to wait 2 more weeks for a major financial boost, and I'm slowly prepping to move on from my job. When I have downtime, like last week (4 day weekend) and weekends in general, I heavily focus on these things. I looked into other passive ventures I'll invest in, some active ones I have interest in, taxes, incorporating my businesses, and even taking care of myself, among other things. Money management is a prominent issue too. For today though, I'm still "unfrying".

I messaged my trader after work. I said "have you helped people answer their own questions when looking to quit their job?" I'm there now.

I know a part of my bad mood today was having contempt for my bosses, knowing I'm only waiting to leave. I had some thoughts of being a victim, but wouldn't hold on to them. I'm grateful for the whole package inside of LTU. It's definitely changing me, and I like it .

[findingme]

I realized I'd said I had contempt for my bosses. That's not really what I felt. I had contempt for myself for playing this "yes man" role. They're playing the same game to their bosses, but I am not responsible for them. I'm responsible for me, and my awareness that I was being an active yes-man wore on me.

For myself, this runs parallel to the me making adult males my "parents". My goal and desire with LTU is to grow through and out of this. E3 might have been hibernating, watching, or waiting, but I'm seeing a lot of relational challenges and changes now.