Findingme's E5 journal

[findingme]

March 2, 2023
2nd rest day


I've been facing shame, the one emotion that I've dodged with and without subliminals, but it's been coming on for a few days.

Yeah. I wrote what is above and some more, but just erased the latter. Even before that, I closed out this tab since I was damning myself for trying to appear "ok" when I'm clearly not. Shame's been right in my face a couple of times today. I've realized I've instantly looked for my mental escapes since it's been my easiest out.

Sidenote: I never am "bored". Seriously. I realized boredom somehow allows feelings (any) to emerge. I've been escaping this since some feelings were of an inner sadness and loss which I've never grieved (just felt and heard that in my mind). That's a powerful feeling, and I duck and dodge to avoid it normally.

I was pretty aware of my feelings and the subsequent avoidances I've turned to so quickly.

I'm not doing too well at the moment. I'm all emotion right now. I'm going to drop.

Edit: I sat here a few minutes before posting this, trying to dodge shame and feelings of worthlessness. Don't know why I'm sharing, but here goes.

[NOMAD]

March 2, 2023
2nd rest day

I'm not doing too well at the moment.  I'm all emotion right now.  I'm going to drop.

Edit: I sat here a few minutes before posting this, trying to dodge shame and feelings of worthlessness.  Don't know why I'm sharing, but here goes.

I've avoided posting in your journal because I've caused you more harm than benefit in the past. That grieves me. I never want to be a stumbling block to my brother. Never.

I'm just piping in because I see a brother in need. Keep going.  I can see progress in simple differences in verbiage you use now. It's obvious from the outside looking in.

The process of overcoming ourselves can be a rough one.  Keep going. You got this. 

I'm pulling for you, man.

[findingme]

March 3, 2023
3rd rest day

Nomad, I read your post this morning, and I was not in control of my emotions. so I didn't respond.  It was extremely humble and caring, which I'd not expected considering our last interaction.  I had to shower right after reading it, and I cried for most of it.  I'm still touched, over 12 hours later.  Thank you.

[findingme]

March 4, 2023
1st listening day

Fear is being worked on again today.  I'm home waiting on a realtor to come by with potential buyers, but I received a text from my landlord last night giving me a 30 day notice to move out, so I'm a little antsy.  It's uncomfortable since I keep looking for and sticking with things which don't change, and this change goes against all things set in stone.

I knew this would happen.  I'm going to tell on myself (to myself) so I can find some hope (it takes a LOT of energy to hide and lie to myself).


I find myself wanting to hide, curl up in a ball, --or more specifically--hide in something familiar.  Familiar equates to not having to grieve loss and change.  It keeps me away from my own ungrieved losses (tears just broke out when I wrote that).

I'm going to share what I can say is true for me.  I've spent my whole life ignoring and suppressing "me" since I never learned how to face major losses.  That seperation from self has had me feeling quite unstable, almost entirely inhibited, extremely unconfident, and constantly hypervigilant to emotional threats.  That easily summarizes most of my life thus far.

When I cried minutes ago, I felt "me".  It was not hard to be "me".  I actually felt confident while crying.  Sounds ironic when pairing it with grieving, but I really don't care how sensical it may not appear.  It was a relief.  I felt "me".  And it felt good.

[findingme]

I feel some fear posting this since I'm blowing my cover and telling the truth, but here goes.

I've been home all day only since my debit card went bad, and I've got money, but access to it without a debit or even another debit card (from Cashapp or Paypal, for example) leaves me hanging with little to do. Can't do my regular errands like shopping.

I've been occupying my time with movies and online reading mostly. But that strong, inner fear is still growing and reminding me I'll be more afraid if I challenge it (sounds like bully tactics). However, 10 minutes ago I got up. I wanted to DO something. What's different to me is I'm sick of hiding. I'm seeing how it keeps me safe.......... and safe sucks when there's nothing fulfilling in it. I just want to not obey these never-ending fears.

I never thought I'd honestly say that.

Plowing through this head trash seems more desirable the longer I go on. Because again, I never thought I'd detest what's been "safe" for so long. Damn.

A new debit won't arrive for 4-5 days. However, Walmart has all kinds of debit cards i could load. Gotta figure how to load one now without a debit and without cash in hand.

[findingme]

March 6, 2023
3rd listening day

I woke up, and fear is trying to win this morning.  I could have gotten up immediately, but fear spoke up, reminding me (or just telling me) how much of a failure I am.  Or how I'd feel if I tried and failed.  

Additionally, its strongest point (which has been successful many times) was my fear was familiar, meaning it's safe.  I'm slowly seeing and feeling the major lie in this, but fear still works to cloud my thinking on this.  If fear's plan A doesn't work, plan B (or C, D...) is used, until I'm completely unaware my mind has been hijacked once again.  I didn't get up until almost 2 snoozes later.    

I went to bed last night imagining living without fear, so a battle has ensued for a version of truth I'll accept.  But damn, living without the constant chains of fear is so damn wanted.  

And on that point, I'm slowly seeing how much choosing I'm doing.  In my early days of using subs (2016), I thought the subs were doing all the work, and I was just passively following.  I was afraid to fail, and fear steered me this way and that.  I'd been doing this for decades.

But I'm being embued with a sense of power by my choosing between the "comfortable" lies of fear and the "dangers" of truth.  I can choose, and I am.  (Fear started working once I wrote that, challenging and shaming me for trying to speak and know truth.  Voracious bastard)

[findingme]

March 7, 2023
1st rest day

I woke up and was slowly feeling the hurt of my wife pulling away 12 years ago.  My mind seems to shut down as I get closer, as it's not the only time in my life I've felt so rejected.  Those issues still steer my life in every interaction.  Yeah, every interaction.  I keep everyone away to not stir these remembrances.

E5 is moving considerably more than any other healing subliminal I've ever used.  I sense it's working into areas without so much trauma to warm me up to tbe deeper stuff.

Edit:  This is affecting me more than I realized.  I'm trying to write without emoting, and that's dishonest to myself.  There's both great fear and feelings of being abandoned, and that's why I distanced myself.  

But---abandonment is my biggest trauma I carry that I'm aware of.  E5 is doing a work.  Challenging both fear and pain at the same time.

[findingme]

March 7, 2023 (cont.)

My day wasn't emotionally tense, but I did have one conversation with a shop mechanic which showed me where my mind's been.

I was closing down my area at the end of my day, and I had to return some keys to a spot close to this mechanic.  I said hello, and I thought I saw a quick disapproving look from him.  I saw it, and cautiously asked if there was anything he or the other mechanics knew that I needed to be aware of or change, such as leaving messes and such.

He easily said, "No.  Why'd you ask?" And I admitted I was being hypersensitive, and thought I caught a look from him.  He smiled and admitted his look was not about me at all, as he'd been sick and hadn't been sleeping much recently.  He felt like shit when he'd rather have stayed home.

We talked another minute, I turned to leave, then turned around again to ask his opinion on a (female) manager's decision for another employee this morning.  I wondered if it was fact or just another attempt at rule-making coupled with a common tone of "I did it because I'm a manager".  He shared it was likely a rule since he's been working for the company a number of years, and managers often don't have wiggle room with such issues.

So, I was assuming guilt when by the male mechanic, and distrust at much of what the female manager states as fact.  That's pretty consistent with my normal mentality around both sexes.  

One thing I'll admit is the willingness to take responsibility is louder right now.  It feels better than dodging important stuff.

[findingme]

March 8, 2023
2nd rest day

I woke up dreaming, but this didn't feel like a dream.  All I remember is a loud "CRUNCH!!", sounding like concrete, which is many feet thick, suddenly snapped.  And I felt free emotionally.  I sat waiting, not in fear.  Minutes later, out of habit, I looked for fear, and there's even less commitment to such survivalist thinking.

I'm unsure what happened really, but this is awesome.

[findingme]

March 9, 2023
3rd rest day

I'm sick of this.

Not sick of growing, but rather sick of my norm of holding it in so I'll not grow.  I've grown angry at my resistance and imagined fear.  F***.  Something scares me and I don't know what.  I've been slowly drifting towards more peace with myself on a daily basis, I've really felt drawn towards it........but something is scared to let go.  I've been realizing a lot of things these last couple of days, and fearful stagnation (not feeling ok with changing) is showing up.

I seemed to have given my personal rights away when I was growing up.  I believed I'd be loved if you needed me, like having a reason for being loveable.  So I've put myself around people and places where I'd be "needed".  I'm sick of performing to earn love, my own included.

I'm always, always, always seeking to be acceptable by others.  And this forum is a ripe location for me, which is why I dare not post in others threads.  You may see parts of me which are true and honest--and my lying to be acceptable creates a lot of friction with it.

This is all emotional puke at the moment, but from another perspective I'm gaining.  I'm uncomfortable and unsure what to say--but E5 has been turning up the heat for me to take some responsibility for this.  This whole thread is another whine, but an angry one.  Even trying to manipulate others for help is undesired.  But it's all coming from E5's work.  A self-compassion is growing, so is a wanting of emotional intimacy, and I'm acting different and less guarded around others.  I don't fear my tomorrow, I've just feared stuff getting and staying stuck in me where I can't even identify it.

I want to share something which happened yesterday.  I began bitching in my mind about my female manager....and I realized I'd done this before, numerous times.  I know nothing (very little) about her life.  I've known I just like destroying her in my mind with hate.  Huh?  I suddenly saw my hate and resentment towards my mom for being unavailable pasted all over my female manager.  That was why I was hating her.  I was spewing hate and hurt at her in my thoughts (very rarely vocally), and I felt closer to an actual resolution in my thoughts.  My mom's passed on, so how could I resolve this?  I realized that all my memories and beliefs are in my mind, and that's mostly where I need to heal.  I've let this "unidentified" hatred steer every female interaction in my life.  And as long as it's been unresolved and untouched, it's been kept alive.  E5 is a gift to keep opening because there's always something new to see.

I spit out a lot of stuff, and it is needed.  I'm growing.  I'm changing.  I have no idea where my next challenge will be--I just need to focus on now.  And weirdly enough, I feel better now after being honest.  I'm glad I could share it somewhere.

[findingme]

March 11, 2023
2nd listening day                     

Lots of continual awarenesses have been happening, and I just saw something that I wish to air and poke at.

I realized my one main reason for writing online over the years was to seek help from another male.  I grew up the youngest of 3 boys, and I was closest to my middle brother.  We never saw or heard from our father, but we all craved some confirmation that our needs to be fathered were real.  I tried to fill this with my brother, but he was a kid himself.  Still, I've sought others to fill this role in my life, over and over again, through the years since my brother left home without notice when I was a young teenager.

That void I've been trying to fill.  I did grieve some of it years back (~2004) at a men's healing conference.  I just believe I'm still holding on to something.  I keep trying to live in this loop of denial--that's it right there.  I keep circling around an old belief of "I don't want to grow up", and I'm hoping someone, someone from my past (my brother) will come and save me from reality.

That's what's on my mind.  I could erase this, but that belief is what I keep repeating year after year.  This is on my mind today.  I'm glad I wrote this morning, as I held back initially since all I kept imagining was complete bullshit fluff.

[findingme]

March 11, 2023 (cont.)

I'm having a lot of experiences lately, which reflect directly back to E5.  I'll face a situation I normally face, and I'll go to where I have often went: I'll be looking at some mental or chemical escape.

What's happening differently than before E5 is I am very aware I'm looking to run and avoid, and I get this internal flag pointing to what is happening in me.

I've never had this full-time awareness.  It's like it connects to feelings of sadness, like I'd be purposely failing again, when I could have made different choices.

It contradicts everything I thought kept me alive.  It makes me aware I shelter my view of reality A LOT.  

And I'm sad to say I keep pushing it back, thinking facing this while living in the real world threatens my reality.  Yeah, it does challenge my views of what "safe" is.  

I think it comes down to finding where I can rest.  I've used my own self-created tools all my life.  E5 is questioning them very regularly.  


I'm choosing to leave this here.  I believe this was mostly a whine spurred by a fear of losing something again, so I'm gonna post now since I sense some changes and awarenesses wishing to come on.  Well, it feels like that.

[findingme]

March 12, 2023
3rd listening day

I listened to loops this morning, and I've struggled some today.  Like I felt alone.  Solitary.  Lots of fear still.  But no love.  None for myself, and none for even family members.  Fear disconnects me from everyone.  That's all that fear does, really.

I just watched a movie I'd watched with my wife when we were still together.  It was sweet.  Gentle.  And soft.  I'd seen it listed in YT weeks ago, but ....feared it for some reason.  Like soft feelings had been wrapped up in fear for some reason. 

Nah.  Loving someone, anyone, opens my heart too.  I'm a complete unguarded mush when I open up.  I've lost at love a few times.  And I feel I'm in the ring again, maybe to love myself a bit this time.  To be honest, romantic relationships are very much an uncharted territory for me.  Well, learning someone is always its own experience.  However, fear has kept me away from others in personal relationships. 

I'm writing all this since I got a love flash a short while ago.  I still remember how E2 opened me up, and people seemed suddenly attracted to me.  Looking back, I still held on to self-imposed limits (or fears), but something in E2 constantly challenged my fears.  That love flash instantly brought me back to those E2 memories.

Today I wasn't out long, but I felt (and still feel) a need for giving and receiving love.  I'm actually looking for opportunities.  I also noticed some fears and blocks.  I've noticed I keep my head down so not to look people in the eyes.  That's fear in action.  I even looked at other IML subs today, imagining switching.  I've done that before when I felt overwhelmed by fear.

But just watching that love movie reminded me that I'll be alright.  My main reason for not seriously considering jumping?  The fact that I'd have to come back somehow somewhere to deal with the baggage I've been carrying so long.  There were a lot of good moments and memories on E2.  I'll hang on to those right now.  They let me know that love is still possible, even unexpected.

[findingme]

March 13, 2023
1st rest day

I am still processing something good that came to my thoughts this afternoon.

Let it be known that I'm seeing and feeling desirable feelings about myself and my life, and I'm drawn toward them.  I've been imagining good things A LOT in recent days, and that's exactly what I've been welcoming.  I had 2 little conversations with different people today where I was there without masks on, being real.  I feel proud of my actions.  A me I'm proud to be is emerging.

And why I'm writing is something I saw in my imagination maybe an hour ago, but it was very clear and connected to emotion.

I was watching this love flick, and I watched to see if I could feel parts of myself in the story.  However, I felt a common inner pain--which results from me not allowing myself to be loved or loveable.  The pain has been constant and normal for me, hidden by distractions of any sort.  The movie was about to end, and I felt that pain.....but I sensed some hope and love too.  It was small, but noticeably different.  I was in a mindset seeking to know if.......if this was possible.

In my mind I began seeing this vertical dark cloth (like a tablecloth) covering the good beliefs and feelings about love which I desired.  I see this cloth as how I've viewed life--dark and discouraging, having barely a trace of hope.  But the cloth was really, really worn with major holes in it.  It was mostly old threads held together.  And the last image I saw was it still being held up with mostly just the edges left of it.

I realized I've been holding up this cloth, this supposed reality, even tenaciously since the me behind it has felt so unguarded and vulnerable.  Also, I've believed if I let it go I might lose my past and both my good and bad experiences.  (Or even lose my common escape routes)

I have been holding on to this.  And that's been my reality, for whatever reason.  Some say love is more powerful.  I may have HAD to hold the cloth, but love and self-love have been so much more desirable lately.  I could see and feel the love on the other side, and it was life-giving.



I knew this was E5 activating, and I felt I'd made some breakthrough today.  I found the goal which activated:

19.  Projection of part of the awareness into the future in which the goals have been safely and successfully achieved, and then pulling the "now" self to that future through the connection. (from the E5 sales page)