EP's E7 journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I am experiencing deep fear out of nowhere. It's intense! Not sure what to do. I really want it to clear. Want to be free of it. Frustrating,  on top of everything else.

Have you tried sitting in a quiet space, eyes closed, and feel it without resisting it? Don't label it, don't try to put a finger on where it's coming from or figure out "why" it's happening, just consciously breathe through it. Doing this a few times a day could be very beneficial for you, if you're willing to try it out.

That sounds like a good idea. Thanks! I'll try that

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Well, I know it's been a hot minute since reporti5in, but I feel I should update.

I have like 3 more uses before it will have been a full 2 cycles. In the last roughly 4 months, I DO feel I have made a lot of progress and I do feel it was made way faster than if I had used a lower Gen version of the program. I am grateful to Shannon for making it. I do feel like I want to move on after this next cycle hough to something else.

I have some AYP subs and I think I might try one of those. I feel like it's high time I do something about that aspect of my life, because I'm sick of waiting to pull the trigger on it. I'm thinking of an AYPRL sub because really, I think I want a real relationship real intimacy behind it and I have conflicting desires with principles when it comes to casual sex. Conflicting beliefs. But no conflict with serious committed relationships with the right woman, when I think it'll work out.

With lower Gen tech like this, it will be less convenient for sure, but I don't have the money for newer Gen subs at the moment and Attract Romantic Love doesn't sound as pinpointed as attracting a perfect lover, let alone of a specific desired type. I'm just kind of tired of waiting to get something going when it comes to my mating desires. I wasn't in a place to ackle those issues before, but I feel I can do something with it nowadays. Wayy less needy nowadays and have less hangup. Probably still have some, but not like before. My self esteem is much better nowadays than it was when I started up on the forums like 6 years ago. I was at one of he lowest points in my life back then. Possibly THE lowest point. Only point that competes was when I was like 9, holding a knife to my neck in a hidden spot in the house deciding whether or not I wanted to off myself. At both points in my life, I was seriously close to doing it. Nowadays, I'm not depressed, let alone suicidal, I have much healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with trauma (whatever the hell my core trauma even is, exactly, since there's definisom repressed memories going on there) I have much better self esteem, less self sabotage and more willingness to believe I'm worthy of the things I desire out of life. I'm a lot healthier overall nowadays and it's probably in no small part due to these subs.

I'm sure I still have work to do on myself, but I think I can finally use a program that manifests one of my main desires I've been having for years. I no longer feel like I need to put it off for self development anymore.

I still have a few more days on before I've gone a full 2 cycles, but after this week is over, I think I can finally tackle that goal.

Quuck edit: sorry for typos. I don't have access to my laptop atm and typing with m.thumbs is a bitch. Also, fuck autocorrect