EP E3 Journal

[CatMan]

Yep. In my experience, having gone through similar experiences as the youngest in my family... once I "manned up" and refused to kowtow to the bullying/manipulative behaviours of each of my family members, in each case it took a few months before we could communicate again.

Every time they came round to knowing that I was/am not willing to accept their abuse. So they learned to treat me with respect. The hardest part was breaking the status quo of quietly accepting their behaviour and them trying their utmost to put me back in my place. The best thing to do with a bully is to call them out.

All the best

During AM6, years ago, I had to do this EXACT same thing with my Mother. After a few monumental blow outs, more intense than usual, the "new normal" was accepted as reality. Things have never been better since. That filtered over into reinforcing already existing positive rapport with other family members too.

I agree totally.

[Infinite]

Your dad has some issues that have nothing to do with you or with your mom. You won't be his priorities until he deals with these issues. I think that a sub that contains the auric shield would be good for you. You need to get out of that environment. If you can't then at least the auric shield can help you deal with all that negativity, UMS has it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yeah. I'm saving up for UMS. After 90-180 days on E3, I'll use UMS. If I do use UMS, I'm hoping it will help me find a way to live independently and afford creative products (mods for my guitar, drawing supplies, a MIDI keyboard to learn how to use, etc.) I was thinking living independently wouldn't be an issue until I got my BA because my family has become less toxic over time, but I'm starting to see that the same old shit is still in tact to enough of a degree that if I can find a way out of here, I should.  Although dad DID help me with figuring out how to handle my student loans today, and that's nice of him. 

Speaking of which, I'll need UMS for those student loans. I've just learned today that going to USF is more expensive than when I was going to community college, which my Pell Grant money was enough to cover. I've definitely gotta go on UMS at some point. Besides, it'll help me get up the money for LTU5, hopefully. 

Like I said, I'm doing good lately. If the healing pains stop, and things seem good enough by the 90 day mark, I'm gonna switch over to UMS.

[Have at ye]

Nope, EvolvingPhoenix is right to approach this the way he is. This is not a singular occurrence, is a patterned behavior, has, I assume, been going on for years and shit like that is very damaging to those who are forced by circumstances to endure it.

I would assume the man does not feel unappreciated by his family, but he feels unappreciated in general (by *life*). He's taking it out on his family because he feels safe to do this to them (I mean, what are they going to do to him, right?).

I would also project an assumption he primarily acts out this way at home.

EvolvingPhoenix has found the courage to stand up for himself. The fact he is trying to approach it in a way that allows him to maintain a measure of self-respect does not mean he is unappreciative. Do not try to trick him into bending over and taking it like a good boy just because "thou shalt honor thy father".

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS. You are SPOT ON in your assessment. This is behaviour of BOTH of my parents and because I am so low ranking in the family, they use me (and have always used me) as a scapegoat and as an emotional punching bag. I thank you for standing up for me, HaveAtYe. I VERY MUCH appreciate it.

No prob, glad to do it, actually! I've, like, 30+ years' worth of experience in a similar situation, and I know that people tend to automatically try to disbelieve it unless they've been through it themselves. Darndest thing, really.

You've been doing really good with E3 lately, and I will concur that UMS should be good for you as well. Don't sweat it overmuch, though, as more time with E3 is going to make the transition to UMS smoother and more pleasant. The emotional healing aspect of UMS has more of a "take no prisoners" approach.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

True, true. Sucks that the E3 in UMS is only aimed at UMS though and I can't continue my holistic emotional healing, but a lot should still get healed quickly and then I should have found a way to afford LTU5. I'm gonna be ambitious and try to find a way to afford $3600 a month. As it says on the description page for it: "Shoot for the stars and even if you miss, you'll hit the moon" If 1 year on UMS can help me make $3600 a month, that'll be great. It'll really put me in a good place! I think it's best to have a goal straight away with UMS so you know what you're aiming for.
Although I dunno how I'll make that much per month in only a year, I'm hoping a year of UMS will help me find a way.
I love that it includes encouragement to do creative stuff on the side, because I would otherwise worry about it taking all my focus away from creative pursuits.

Anyway thanks for the support and the encouragement. And I'm glad to know you think I'm doing well on E3.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 70:

5 days so far without healing pains. So far, so good!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Dad and I just apologized to each other. My phone's getting turned back on. It was a lot less confrontational than expected.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I feel like my life is... I dunno. I can't say it's moving at a bad speed. I mean, I'm getting college going, E3 progress is good, I'm working with an employment specialist, I'm donating plasma and getting money for UMS and MLS. So my life's moving forward and coming along. But I still feel like... I dunno. Like I'm still just sitting on my ass. I guess there's stuff I could be doing, but it's hard to get a consistent routine down. I also struggle to find motivation quite often. I'm hoping that once I go on UMS, I'll be really productive. And I'm hoping a year of UMS will put me in a position to explore my creative pursuits, go to school and do everything else at a consistent and productive pace. I really wish I was better at learning instruments. I really wish I could sing and growl and sing with distortion and all that good stuff. It IS a goal of mine, down the line, along with a lot of other creative goals: Learning guitar, learning keyboard, learning to fingerdrum and program music, learning music recording and production, improving my drawing and painting skills, learning to woodcarve art, learning to make guitars (which would require money for power tools and supplies) learning tarot, etc. There's a lot of things I want to learn, but I've got no routine, little motivation and no discipline. I guess I just gotta slowly get into the right groove, and work on things bit by bit. Getting my finances and education in order while making time to do vocal and guitar practice is my main goal, along with emotional healing. I'm going to school, so there's the education part. I'm on E3 and seeing a therapist, so there's the healing. Hopefully UMS will help me get my finances together. As for guitar and vocals? Well, I've got some free warmups, exercises and routines put together utilizing free online resources. Drawing, I just gotta start doing. Painting and wood carving will come later.

I guess my problem is, I just don't feel like I can "Get in the zone" you know? And that's what I want: to be in the zone, and have all the freedom, time and resources I need. I gotta realize Rome wasn't built in a day and things take time. Still, I'm impatient to have everything in order. And it feels all out of order and chaotic right now. Hopefully that will change soon.

I also wanna start getting laid, but that's not as big a priority as that other stuff.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 71:

Day 6 without healing pains. Let's keep the streak going! If I make it to 90 days like this, I intend to go on UMS.

[THolt]

In spite of this I would still be appreciative of what your parents do. I moved out last year but i am more appreciative now than when I lived there. Also remember your parents will not be around forever. In spite of the poor relationship me and my dad had, I appreciate when told and did for me earlier. I’m not as critical too. Just remember that.
Maybe offer to do stuff for your parents as a sign of appreciation .

I AM appreciative of what my parents do. You are making a false assumption that I am not. I wonder, what gives you the impression that I do not appreciate what my parents do? Because I assert that I am being treated unfairly and refuse to allow myself to be bullied? There is a serious problem in the world (and especially in the east, but even here in the west too it seems) where people assume that if you don't unconditionally submit to your parents, regardless of how they treat you, you are a) disrespectful and b) unappreciative. This is a toxic belief and I refuse to cosign it. I DO do things around the house, AS I KEEP SAYING and apparently, people keep ignoring, making yet again another false assumption about me: the assumption that I do nothing to help out. Maybe I don't do enough, and I will work on that, but I DO in fact help out. Please do not jump to false assumptions about me. Thank you.

My bad. I wasn’t implying you didn’t do anything. I didn’t realize you had the long standing issues with your dad. No need to get mad.
It’s good that you and your dad reconciled.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

In spite of this I would still be appreciative of what your parents do. I moved out last year but i am more appreciative now than when I lived there. Also remember your parents will not be around forever. In spite of the poor relationship me and my dad had, I appreciate when told and did for me earlier. I’m not as critical too. Just remember that.
Maybe offer to do stuff for your parents as a sign of appreciation .

I AM appreciative of what my parents do. You are making a false assumption that I am not. I wonder, what gives you the impression that I do not appreciate what my parents do? Because I assert that I am being treated unfairly and refuse to allow myself to be bullied? There is a serious problem in the world (and especially in the east, but even here in the west too it seems) where people assume that if you don't unconditionally submit to your parents, regardless of how they treat you, you are a) disrespectful and b) unappreciative. This is a toxic belief and I refuse to cosign it. I DO do things around the house, AS I KEEP SAYING and apparently, people keep ignoring, making yet again another false assumption about me: the assumption that I do nothing to help out. Maybe I don't do enough, and I will work on that, but I DO in fact help out. Please do not jump to false assumptions about me. Thank you.

My bad. I wasn’t implying you didn’t do anything. I didn’t realize you had the long standing issues with your dad. No need to get mad.
It’s good that you and your dad reconciled.

It's fine. Thanks for the apology. And yeah, I'm glad things worked out between me and my dad too. I was worried at one point that I might need to hustle for money to move out. I still intend to spend a year on UMS though.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 72:

So far so good. So far, it's looking like I've gone a whole week without healing pains! Let's keep this up!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Just took a nap and in my dream, I had violent fantasies about brutally defending myself in prison.

I wonder if it's my brain processing some basic fear of being preyed upon. I was bullied in my past. Maybe E3 is working on some deep seated issues regarding being victimized by others?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I dunno if this i just post hoc ergo propter hoc reasoning, but ever since I went on E3, I've been dealing with a frequency of dreams where i figure out I'm dreaming, but can't control my dream, so I try to escape the dream by waking up, only to find I haven't truly woken up, but am in fact still dreaming. I check by pinching my nose and breathing in through my nose and if i can still breath in through my nose just fine (despite it being pinched) I know I'm still dreaming. Took me a while to wake up. I don't like knowing I'm in a dream. I also don't like knowing I'm in a dream, but not being able to do all the cool shit people do when they lucid dream, like fly around, control what happens and generally just take control of the dream.
I can't do that. It feels like I'm just being controlled and have no power in my dreams, and maybe that's something E3 is working on regarding the victim mindset, but I am having this issue and it is yet another issue fucking with my sleep.

EDIT: I have been watching videos on lucid dreaming and how to control the dream and how to safely work on yourself in your dream. I'm not interested in lucid dreaming, but I figure if I'm gonna figure out I'm in a dream, I might as well learn how to control it and make the most of it. Next time I figure out I'm dreaming, I'm gonna work on taking control. When I learn how to control my lucid dreams, then whenever I have a lucid dream, I'm going to work on myself and try to find safe ways of exploring my subconscious. Might as well make the most of it if I'm gonna lucid dream.