EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 69:

"69"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDqsgbtpDLk

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I've been feeling a lot better for the most part as of late. No healing pains for the past 4 days, and my online mentor's words have really helped me in my healing process. I'm making progress.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Dad's been in a sour mood all day, especially towards me. I wonder how long he's going to hold a grudge over this Burger King coupon?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

If things keep going well up to day 90, I shall switch to UMS or MLS for 6 months.

[RTBoss]

I'm betting this goes a little deeper than a coupon. I'm sensing he feels disrespected by you, and perhaps doesn't feel like he's properly appreciated for providing you a place to live, when you're well beyond the age that you should have been living on your own. Seems he resents the situation he's in.  Even though you need your parents' help, it's not without its downsides for them. Is your mom more sympathetic toward your situation?  If so, there may be resentment he holds toward her for that.  I know my dad has never been as compassionate toward me as my mother. 

Perhaps if you show him that you appreciate his generosity and show greater respect for the money he works hard for, you'll see him lighten up a bit.

If that is an offbase analysis of your situation, apologies in advance! 

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Mom and dad have had some serious issues for years, so dad DEFINITELY holds a lot of resentment towards her. I can see your point about him feeling disrespected and not appreciated, but the way he's handling it isn't good at all, and how am I supposed to respond towards having my door kicked down? Grovel on my knees and apologize? I'm willing to show him more respect, but I'm not willing to cave into petty, vindictive, bullying or belligerent behaviour.  Still, maybe I should apologize for the BOGO coupon. But I will add that his behaviour about it was out of line. My dad has always had anger issues. There's not a single door in the house he hasn't wrecked. Hell, HIS OWN door has dents in it. I shouldn't have been a dick to him when he kicked my door down, but otherwise, I've handled this like an adult and he is being petty. You're not wrong that he probably feels unappreciated, but that doesn't give him license to act belligerent or bullying like he sometimes does. And my presence here is not a burden on them. I may not be as helpful as they want me to be, but my presence here is somewhat stabilizing and I do help out.  Now as for feeling disrespected, that's probably also true, but dad EASILY feels disrespected and has fucking ego issues to work on, because he's an easy man to slight. You know what I mean? I was disrespectful when he kicked my door down, but he KICKED MY DOOR DOWN,  and over a BOGO coupon at that. He was being very confrontational and disrespectful himself and his behavioour was that of a tyrant/bully. There's a fine line between respecting someone and letting them walk all over you and he expects me to cross it in those situations. He's not the only one deserving of an apology. Now as far as his resentment goes, I am reminded of an old Buddhist story. A man was bullying the Buddha and being combative and belligerent towards him for some reason and followed him around trying to pick a fight with him (Not unlike my father) The Buddha simply looked at him and asked: If someone gives you a present and you refuse it, to whom does it belong?" The man says "It belongs to the person who offered it" Then Buddha replies "So too does anger, resentment and negativity being offered up and rejected. You are free to hold onto that all you like, but you'll be the one left holding onto anger and bitterness, not me"  Or at least the story went something like that, but you catch my drift. If dad wants to hold onto bitterness and resentment, that's his business. There's a line between respect and unconditional submission, and I refuse to cross it. If dad feels slighted by that, oh fucking well.

Dad behaves tyrannically and disrespectfully, tries to bully family members, and then expects not just respectful, but SUBMISSIVE treatment in return. And when he doesn't get his way, he sulks and throws temper tantrums. 

I'll apologize over the BOGO coupon and for acting dickish when he kicked my door down, but I will also add that he's not the only one who was treated disrespectfully and he is not the only one who is owed an apology. If he doesn't give me the apology I deserve in return, so be it, I won't sulk like a child. But I will lose respect for him. Respect he thinks he is owed regardless of how he behaves or treats people. Letting me live in his house doesn't give him the right to bully me or treat me with disrespect. And if not taking that shit lying down and letting him bully me makes him feel unappreciated and disrespected, he can just fucking blow me for all I care, because his expectations in that regard are, like his behaviour, way out of line.

[THolt]

In spite of this I would still be appreciative of what your parents do. I moved out last year but i am more appreciative now than when I lived there. Also remember your parents will not be around forever. In spite of the poor relationship me and my dad had, I appreciate when told and did for me earlier. I’m not as critical too. Just remember that.
Maybe offer to do stuff for your parents as a sign of appreciation .

[Have at ye]

Nope, EvolvingPhoenix is right to approach this the way he is. This is not a singular occurrence, is a patterned behavior, has, I assume, been going on for years and shit like that is very damaging to those who are forced by circumstances to endure it.

I would assume the man does not feel unappreciated by his family, but he feels unappreciated in general (by *life*). He's taking it out on his family because he feels safe to do this to them (I mean, what are they going to do to him, right?).

I would also project an assumption he primarily acts out this way at home.

EvolvingPhoenix has found the courage to stand up for himself. The fact he is trying to approach it in a way that allows him to maintain a measure of self-respect does not mean he is unappreciative. Do not try to trick him into bending over and taking it like a good boy just because "thou shalt honor thy father".

[EvolvingPhoenix]

In spite of this I would still be appreciative of what your parents do. I moved out last year but i am more appreciative now than when I lived there. Also remember your parents will not be around forever. In spite of the poor relationship me and my dad had, I appreciate when told and did for me earlier. I’m not as critical too. Just remember that.
Maybe offer to do stuff for your parents as a sign of appreciation .

I AM appreciative of what my parents do. You are making a false assumption that I am not. I wonder, what gives you the impression that I do not appreciate what my parents do? Because I assert that I am being treated unfairly and refuse to allow myself to be bullied? There is a serious problem in the world (and especially in the east, but even here in the west too it seems) where people assume that if you don't unconditionally submit to your parents, regardless of how they treat you, you are a) disrespectful and b) unappreciative. This is a toxic belief and I refuse to cosign it. I DO do things around the house, AS I KEEP SAYING and apparently, people keep ignoring, making yet again another false assumption about me: the assumption that I do nothing to help out. Maybe I don't do enough, and I will work on that, but I DO in fact help out. Please do not jump to false assumptions about me. Thank you.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Nope, EvolvingPhoenix is right to approach this the way he is. This is not a singular occurrence, is a patterned behavior, has, I assume, been going on for years and shit like that is very damaging to those who are forced by circumstances to endure it.

I would assume the man does not feel unappreciated by his family, but he feels unappreciated in general (by *life*). He's taking it out on his family because he feels safe to do this to them (I mean, what are they going to do to him, right?).

I would also project an assumption he primarily acts out this way at home.

EvolvingPhoenix has found the courage to stand up for himself. The fact he is trying to approach it in a way that allows him to maintain a measure of self-respect does not mean he is unappreciative. Do not try to trick him into bending over and taking it like a good boy just because "thou shalt honor thy father".

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS. You are SPOT ON in your assessment. This is behaviour of BOTH of my parents and because I am so low ranking in the family, they use me (and have always used me) as a scapegoat and as an emotional punching bag. I thank you for standing up for me, HaveAtYe. I VERY MUCH appreciate it.

[RTBoss]

Just to note - in no way am I excusing your father's behavior. Good luck with your situation!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I should note that he probably DOES feel unappreciated by the family (by mom in particular, but me in particular right now) But was treated poorly and disrespected for 20 years in the military, only to come home and be bullied by my mother. The fact is, dad doesn't treat himself with the respect he would like from others so he has been disrespected in life by people who would seek to control and to exert power. The assertion that dad takes his general frustrations in life out on me is still quite accurate, and applies to my mother as well (although she's been MUCH LESS like that lately) I have always been the dog that my parents kicked to vent their frustrations in life out on and everybody has always defended them because I owe them my life, for they gave birth to me and brought me into this world instead of aborting me. And they did the decent thing and put a roof over my head instead of abandoning me to foster care. They are the gods to whom I owe everything and if I dare stand up for myself I am being disrespectful and unappreciative and there is something wrong with MY behaviour.

The reason dad kicked the door to my room down was because I was locking myself in my room and not responding to his confrontational, bullying behaviour when he overreacted to the discovery that I didn't use the BOGO coupon, and he wanted to show me who was in charge, because I wasn't bending over and taking his abusive treatment. When I undermined him by essentially going over his head and enlisting my mother's help (as she is the matriarch of the family) he was pissy with both of us, but especially me, because his petty dominance assertion was undermined. And because I refused to submit with an apology while he was bullying me. If he has just been calm and mature and talked it out with me like a rational adult instead of flipping out, I would have behaved VERY differently. I'm not saying I wasn't a bit dickish when deliberately undermining him, but that's because he was bullying me and I was essentially like "HAHA! Thought you could bully me without consequence, but you couldn't" and now he's sulking about it, now that his temper tantrums are over.

[Omni3]

Yep. In my experience, having gone through similar experiences as the youngest in my family... once I "manned up" and refused to kowtow to the bullying/manipulative behaviours of each of my family members, in each case it took a few months before we could communicate again.

Every time they came round to knowing that I was/am not willing to accept their abuse. So they learned to treat me with respect. The hardest part was breaking the status quo of quietly accepting their behaviour and them trying their utmost to put me back in my place. The best thing to do with a bully is to call them out.

All the best

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yep. In my experience, having gone through similar experiences as the youngest in my family... once I "manned up" and refused to kowtow to the bullying/manipulative behaviours of each of my family members, in each case it took a few months before we could communicate again.

Every time they came round to knowing that I was/am not willing to accept their abuse. So they learned to treat me with respect. The hardest part was breaking the status quo of quietly accepting their behaviour and them trying their utmost to put me back in my place. The best thing to do with a bully is to call them out.

All the best

Thanks. Now isn't the best time to bring up the issue, but I will bring it up when the time is right. Thanks for your support.