EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 11:

Definitely fear making me wanna just keep sleeping. I think it's fear of change. Fear of changing my life, fear of changing my daily habits, fear of living my life differently. For example, I'm on the verge of possibly landing a freelance writing job with long term potential, and the truth is I'm afraid I'll get it. I'm afraid I'll do a bad job and get a bad reputation. And maybe I'm just afraid of the change it might bring to my life, I dunno. I'm afraid to get started again on the guitar. I'm afraid of change I think. And maybe afraid of responsibility. 

Hopefully the FRM will win out. Shannon seems confident it will so I'm confident it will too.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm hearing back from one of the English teaching websites. I MIGHT just land me a job teaching online after all! Not to mention I'm waiting to hear back from another and have one more left I can try. Things are starting to look up!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I just got the job offer on Upwork. I don't want them to know it, because I made myself sound so confident, but the truth is, I am nervous as hell and definitely feeling afraid in that way that you worry you might be in over your head and I'm worried that what I write won't be good enough and that I don't know what I'm doing. I've got to write an article on the benefits of martial arts to get more parents to want to put their kids into martial arts. I'm only getting payed $5 for it, of which Upwork will be taking a 20% cut, but it's the start of what could be a good line of work. Still, I am VERY nervous right now.

@Shannon You said LTU5 could be used as a mood stabilizer. Does that also apply to E3?

[Shannon]

LTU5 has E3, PTPA, USLM4 and Happiness &Joy.  E3 is E3. Obviously LTU5 will be a better mood stabilizer and lifter. That said, E3 can be a mood stabilizer and improved depending on how you react to it and what it needs to accomplish.

In use, E3 may result in a variety of emotional responses. This is most likely to result in growing past one's fears being the most prominent emotional response.

E3 will most likely be a better mood stabilizer as a result of what it has accomplished, than it will be concerning what it is actually in the process of doing.

Congratulations on your growth and success with E3 so far.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks Shannon. I appreciate it.

So it looks like I probably shouldn't try to use E3 as a mood stabilizer. I should probably keep using it as directed right?

[Shannon]

Keep using it as directed.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So far, I have 4 pages written. And here, I thought I would have a hard time coming up with content!

EDIT: He's asking for a 1,000 word article. Looks like I'm gonna have to shave it down.

[Shannon]

Once you set aside your fear and actually start writing, it's frequently easier to write too much than too little.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Once you set aside your fear and actually start writing, it's frequently easier to write too much than too little.

Yeah. I'll be spending tomorrow editing. I've got 963 more words than I need. I still have a lot of fear in me though that needs to be worked through. I don't know how to explain it. First I feel too afraid to do anything, then I start doing things and then feeling anxious if I'm NOT doing anything.

[DavisMind91]

Congrats on landing the job offer at least. I’m sure you’ll knock it out the park.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks Davis.

[Shannon]

Once you set aside your fear and actually start writing, it's frequently easier to write too much than too little.

Yeah. I'll be spending tomorrow editing. I've got 963 more words than I need. I still have a lot of fear in me though that needs to be worked through. I don't know how to explain it. First I feel too afraid to do anything, then I start doing things and then feeling anxious if I'm NOT doing anything.

With experience comes familiarity; with familiarity comes comfort.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 12:

Thinking about the friendship breakup again. I just remembered that I blocked her before she told me to never speak to her again by proxy, so I shouldn't judge her for that. I wish we could work things out. I know we COULD if we both wanted to. But we don't both want to, and that hurts. She judges me for past mistakes, and maybe some might say she judges me fairly, considering how I've been in the past, but considering how much I've changed, she does not judge me ACCURATELY. So how is it fair? Oh well. I forgive her for that. I probably haven't been judging her accurately or fairly either. And it's time I give her the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. I wish she doubted her own unfair judgement of me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. But she doesn't. I also recognize I absolutely suck at creative visualization and don't know how to practice it, so I probably won't be able to use the becoming method to rebuild those burned bridges, even if I want to. So it's probably for the best that I just accept all this and once more, shift my attention to people who DO love me and DO think I'm worth making a relationship work with. If I were able to use the becoming method, I'd give it one last shot, giving her the benefit of the doubts I have regarding my judgements of her, but I'm not able to, especially not at that advanced a level, and I don't know how to practice it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So USF admissions is saying I didn't give them proof of residency, but I personally submitted proof of residency to them before the summer, and they said "That's all you need to do. We'll take it from here" and proceeded to do jack fucking squat, apparently. So now I'm having to fill out these forms, except they're saying as a dependent, my dad is the claimant. So we're printing out copies of the forms and we're BOTH filling them out, so they can take both copies and use whichever copy they need. Then we'll submit the copies with our proof of residency all over again. This mindless bullshit bureaucracy is just crap.

And checking my USF email, it seems they never sent me shit.