EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 48:

Just went to sleep playing these two videos while listening to 3 loops of E3:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQIO9cqw...dex=2&t=0s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqbaZMmA...kQ&index=2


Had some... interesting dreams. Dreams wherein I realized all was one and that I was dreaming and all the interactions I had in my dream were interactions with myself. I tried asking different people in the dream what they represented, but they refused to answer. I realized at some point that since all is one, they represented the relationships I have with myself. I felt like I lacked control and the others I interacted with in my dreams had scary/hostile intentions at times.
And when I did have control, like I would lucid dream and go flying around thinking "Yeah, this is more like it!" I would lose control. The thing I think that kept taking control away from me was fear. And even when I would try to surrender, fear would get the better of me and I would take defensive actions.

It was some very interesting dreams to say the least.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 49:

Just saw my psychologist today and went to USF orientation and registered for a class yesterday.

It seems my life is slowly but surely coming together: I'm getting my classes sorted out, I'm working with my employment specialist, I'm practicing guitar, I'm beginning to develop a daily routine, I've got a dream and a path figured out to meet it, in fact I have a number of goals and paths figured out for how to meet them and track my progress, I'm moving forward creatively and educationally, and I'm finally starting to move forward from the friendship breakup. I've even thought of a way to be able to afford UMS: Sell plasma 5 times at $50 per donation, a deal that BPL has for new donors. If you stop going for 6 months, you become a "New Donor" again. That $250 should be able to get me UMS which should help me figure out how to make money while I heal.

I should Ask about UMS though. Like, does UMS's E3 do the same stuff to help you heal as the straight version of E3 I'm already using?

I still haven't figured out how to make steady money, but my needs are being met and UMS should be able to help me, although healing comes first.

[Benjamin]

After reading this it confirms even more that E3 is doing you well. Good idea to continue.

Good to hear things are coming together.

[Have at ye]

UMS healing is aimed directly at healing things that would stand in the way of achieving Ultimate Monetary Success. So it's not as all-encompassing as E3 by itself.

Not that it's a bad thing, and - depending on the person - the things standing in the way of UMS may be the very same things that are standing in the way of many other things.

Glad you're getting better, man! Keep rokkin' \m/

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 50:

After going to bed at around 3AM with Klonipin, Vistiril and Melatonin in my system, I awoke at 5:55 am.

I am now dealing with very painful issues.

Like it or not, I have only slept a few hours but my day has begun.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thought I was gonna be able to go all day on only a few hours of sleep. Lasted a couple hours tops. Been doing nothing but sleeping all day. More so than I would have thought I needed to.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

During my waking hours today, I've been hitting the same emotional block over and over. Anyway, it's been low key, not fucking up my day. A fucked up sleep cycle has been fucking up my day.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 51:

No motivation to do anything and dealing with issues that are being worked on just underneath the surface, it seems. Guitar practice currently halted. I know E3 is working on these issues as unconsciously as possible, but the general malaise exists on the surface.

[findingme]

It sounds like it's sticking on and working on a fear.  I know I've had stubborn fears, and using LTU5 has had some days which have wavered between undesirable to a low key repulsion of the constant pain.  Fear's a bugger.

And it's encouraging for me to read your honest emotional experiences.  Thank you for your bravery

[EvolvingPhoenix]

It sounds like it's sticking on and working on a fear.  I know I've had stubborn fears, and using LTU5 has had some days which have wavered between undesirable to a low key repulsion of the constant pain.  Fear's a bugger.

And it's encouraging for me to read your honest emotional experiences.  Thank you for your bravery

Well thanks for seeing it that way. I always worry I'm just whining and people are sick of hearing about it. I'm glad you find it encouraging. Anyway, maybe it IS working on fear. Not sure. Probably multiple things. At any rate, I need to get to a point where I'm functioning better. I can't just keep sleeping all day. Tomorrow, I'll wake up at an earlier time, and I'll adhere to a schedule.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm trying to go to sleep but I can't, despite taking 4 melatonin's 2 Klonipin and 2 Vistiril, and lathering myself with lavender Oil.

I'm thinking about the friendship breakup again, although I'm not tortured by it. E3 is definitely helping. Still, it seems I haven't let go completely. I also fantasize, about having a love life. All things in due time. First comes healing, school, vocal, guitar, money, and maximizing attractiveness by making personal changes to myself.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 52:

Having a hard time getting out of bed. A real hard time. And thoughts about being just thrown away by my friend loom in the back of my mind, being worked on by E3 I reckon. I don't get why I have such a hard time doing anything. Some sort of fear maybe? I dunno. If so, E3's probably working on that too.

[Griffin]

hey EP,


just a small piece of advice, if you are serious about the guitar don't miss more than one day at a time. start again as soon as possible again because otherwise, it is going to be hard to make it a habit.

cheers and good luck man!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks man. I'll keep up practicing. I'm just dealing with... I dunno what, actually. Probably fear. E3's probably helping a lot.