Darwin’s Journal

[Darwinn]

SO.

I'm starting again with this today. I have a choice to make, outside of becoming an expert in my field i will either.
(1) Complete a 6 month training course in coding or;
(2) Go for a first stage in a finance qualification.

This will be on the side of my day job, and so i will need to a lot of my concisousness toward these goals once i've decided.

[Zane]

Looking forward to ur MLS-5.5G second run journey. Keep us updated.

[Darwinn]

I was asked about my experience on SE recently so i thought i'd just post up a summary.

I've been under the impression that Self Esteem is the most fundamental building block of a good life for a while.

I know I've been trying to become smarter, better with women, more popular, richer, admired and accepted really just to cover up that I am unwilling to accept that I am fundamentally flawed and that, because of that, it is possible, and often (with that belief) probable that people will neglect, reject or outright hate me. The foundation of all of this work with subs, spirituality, even dabbling in the Occult has been predicated on the need to fix something in order to be safe.

I wanted to get passed this since no matter what I achieve, I just return to that base of i'm no good and it's never enough.

That's me, and not everyone else, I've met plenty of people who - however fucked up their life is, seem to have a self acceptance which gets them through.

So for me I needed to get self esteem in a higher resolution; find out what it was and see if i could nail it. I originally thought nailing it looked like me never having self doubt, fear, and discovering and endless well of self acceptance and love; well that didn't happen.

SE 5.5g didn't give me unending self esteem - it might have done if i'd stuck with it longer. What it did teach me though, was self esteem resilience, the ability to face down threats to your personal identity, to go through the emotional range that comes out of failure and the fear of failure. After five or so months running SE, i cultivated core principles that I regularly refresh and adhere to, I have significantly reduced negative self talk and very much reduced bouts of depression. I have emotional honesty so if something doesn't feel good, I can grieve, cry it out, just be with the pain and feeling in my body until i've moved through it.

That's the emotional side of it. Now what happened in real life (before results started to peter out).

(1) Found myself reading a shit tonne on self esteem and figured out how i could measure my actions and be more conscious in doing things which enhance self esteem. These included, never lying, patient confrontation with reality and applying more thorough truth telling to it - for example, yes you're imperfect and possibly more shitty than a lot of people, but that's not all if you're really going to be honest about it, you're also (insert virtues here), and yes many people don't really care about you, but that's quite possibly because you don't really care about them or yourself and that's something which is in your power change or you may think you're alone, but you're not the only one and connection is an honest vulnerable conversation away.

(2) With this, when practiced, I'm able to unleash my intellectual capability more; i find myself able to have complex conversations at work with experts, think much quicker on the spot, generate creative ideas and manage my own team. Highlights were being in very technical meetings with experts and generating complex concepts on the spot which shocked even me.

(3) I've detached from needing people or engaging in activities for validation, not that i don't feel lonely at times when i'm less conscious, or feel that I'm falling short sometimes - rather i have the ability to keep it moving, to integrate these feelings as lessons, to be able to re engage with people and life's activities.

(4) Relationship with girlfriend is increasingly good, many times it's phenomenal. It's one thing to have girls just on you - that's certainly fun and exciting - it's quite another thing to just be deeply in tune with a woman, to love her and for her to love you, there is something powerful about that connection which opens up the senses to many aspects of life previously not withing my realm of cognition. Here i can only talk for myself though, I don't know if that will resonate with anyone else and it may be just something I've experienced. Since people are interested in generally getting laid here as well, i'll say that old gfs have been regularly trying to connect and i'm vibing with women in an amazing way, if i wasn't committed i don't believe i would have many problems in that area.


(5) I'm just enjoying life so much more I laugh much more. I fucking run!, I've never been able to run in my life now i'm like a fucking runner, i started being unable to jog for a 60 seconds i'm going for a full half hour before i collapse in a sweating ball of exhaustion. This same out of being able to accept small daily progression rather than be impatient. I socialise for fun, I enjoy people's company, especially funny people who are interested in the world, I have great enriching conversations with people. I find myself doing things which, in my previous bottom feeding consciousness made absolutely no sense to me, hiking in the hills? wtf? the old me would have laughed at someone who just wanted to be in nature. When you don't have yourself as someone who needs to be fixed, you free yourself up for appreciating beauty, for being refreshed by good things, you allow yourself to feel joy and you learn that life doesn't have to be just about proving your existence is worthwhile. This frees up so much space in your being.

(6) Life can still be shitty, but that shittyness loses it's significance, it doesn't feel good but it also doesn't have to destroy you because it no longer proved you're worthwhile.

That bit about the bottom feeding consciousness is important. I found myself on Friday walking around an area where i used to work. At the time i was on ADHD meds, suicidal, smoking, dating head case, manipulative, dependent women. There was just no Joy. From the days i worked there and first tried LTU to now, spans just over four years and a lot has changed. Subs have definitely contributed, but only when I've worked with them. In any of these subs, i'm learning (and correct me if i'm wrong) there is a contradiction you have to learn to deal with.

That is that you can't really control how the sub affects you, but you're responsible for making it work. How can you make it work or achieve that holy grail of being someone who 'executes' when you can't actually control what happens? I

I don't know the full answer, what i guess though, what's worked so far to some success for me is, being heavily intentional, never depending on the subs (although you kind of are) knowing that with or without subs, you have a goal and you're going to get there. To beat a contradictory problem, you have to have a contradictory approach. Hopefully that makes sense.


I could probably go on, but i think that gives the general gist of it. I wanted to move to DMSI just for shits and giggles but after two days of running it, found myself surrounded by insanely gorgeous women, I was horny as hell, and then i realized that if i stay on this any longer I'll cheat on my GF which isn't aligned with what i fundamentally value (Shannon, a couples sub would be the shit...please? )

Back to MLS now. I am enjoying coming back to this sub. Curiosity is rising, and coupled with my self esteem practices, i'm actually having fun with it - as with anything though the challenge remains to keep on confronting where i'm not taking responsibility, where i'm not facing down unpleasant realities; the sub supports in that too, i'm giving myself the goals of more deeply integrating self esteem resilience through practicing it and modelling others who have it.

I also should add, that something new is happening, i've realised that i'm a kinesthetic learner, and so now when i'm reading i find myself using movement and emotion to integrate and understand the information. Its a limitation learning like this in a very analytical, technical profession though, so whilst it works, its' making me consider what i could do where this style of cognition is better suited. Perhaps something more people facing or creative.

Who knows.

[changer]

Thank you for that interesting summary of your SE experience.
I have 2 questions if you do not mind:

That's the emotional side of it. Now what happened in real life (before results started to peter out).

Does this mean that the effects of SE started to fade away only 1 month after stopping it? How much? Or did you mean that there was a point after which you did not change any further but all positive changes still persist?


In your SE journal you mentioned a question and a statement that brought you to SE. I would like to know if your answer/your reaction changed.

1. How happy and successful would you allow yourself to be?
2. I have a right to exist

[Benjamin]

Very cool, good results.

[Darwinn]

@changer

Hard to say. Results are a funny thing. Sometimes they’re hardly noticeable at alll, other times you notice them tremendously because they’re big shifts but soon they become so normalised they fade into the background.


On the second question my answer to both of those is to keep asking them. Yes I feel happy with allowing myself to be happy and successful and I’m ok with affirming my right to exist, but these have to be revisited and refreshed. The consciousness is there to do this.

[Darwinn]

Cautious optimism.

Mind is clearing, motivation improving and self assurance rising. I feel like I’m agreeing with this sub more now. I re read six pillars of self esteem and I’m still taken back by how I still haven’t mastered these - in particular self acceptance. Practicing it leads to such boosted in productivity and happiness it’s crazy.

Undecided about learning goals. Whatever I do I want to come away being confident of a solid passive income or profitable side hustle by the end of the year.

I’m learning coding, looking at afilliate marketing, and a finance qualification...

The finance quality will take at least a year an a half but over the next 20 Years should pay back well. I don’t know about the other things.

[Darwinn]

I find my self immensely fascinated with things. I had a wild appreciation for the work that went into a beautiful large Art Deco building; my mind automatically deconstructed the whole thing into steel girders, cement, bricks and i marveled at the precision and integrity of action that went into it's construction.

Not so useful for my day to day life though

Aside from that I'm finding my general fluid intelligence seems to be better, for example i'm able to rely on my subconscious to pass me useful information, and am able to read complex material with improved focus and interest.

I'm also immensely happy and seeking to optimise the balance between enjoyment of life outside of professional pursuits and excelling at my profession.

Resistance is coming in a few forms.

(1) eating things that slow down cognition for me. Starchy wheat based products mainly.
(2) procrastinating on work; largely through perfectionism - 'this is not good enough, should i do something else?'
(3) overthinking and over abstraction; there's a point where thinking is not the way and you have to 'do'. I note i resist taking useful actions by winding myself into a thought soup of possibilities - i identify it as resistance because it clearly prevents me from taking positive steps such as doing yoga, exercise or meditation. It's not 'proper thinking' which is intentional, it's just a whirlwind of doubtful voices
(4) Phone addiction, this has increased (or possibly i've become more aware of it). I have an app which has my phone screen time at 4-5 hours a day which is sickening.
(5) umming and ahing about life direction and goals - always have done this and to an extent it's better on the sub so probably not resistance; the need for clear goals and strategy is brought up and i'm slowly working toward having some kind of clarity on this.


An interesting effect is that i feel like sexual energy is being diverted from the lower areas of my being to the higher. I don't know if this is the sub or the yoga.

[Darwinn]

Something i forgot to add. I'm prioritizing integrating the lessons I learned on self esteem, I'm practicing the consciousness and inquiry involved, and opportunities have arisen to actually coach people in self esteem; I've practically developed a self esteem coaching program and considering whether i could monetize it!

Would be seriously cool to make money whilst helping others to smash their lives.

[Darwinn]

I just took someone through my own self esteem programme based roughly on the 6 pillars - they’ve immediately experienced a huge reduction in anxiety and have started applying for much higher paid jobs. Very happy about this.

So far the bizarre effect of MLS is massive happiness , a lot of appreciation of life and joy in my relationships. This is not really from MLS directly but rather MLS helpimg me to integrate important information. I’ll go into it more another time. I’ve not paid proper attention to some of the complexities of using new subs - can someone catch me up on ASRB is? Presumably it’s breaks between running subs to let them integrate and Shannon’s recent comment is suggesting we should run it one day one and one off ?

[Raz]

I’ve not paid proper attention to some of the complexities of using new subs - can someone catch me up on ASRB is? Presumably it’s breaks between running subs to let them integrate and Shannon’s recent comment is suggesting we should run it one day one and one off ?

ASRB is short for Audio-Silence-Ratio-Balance. Basically chunks of input-free time. If you open the ultrasonic track of MLS with Audacity (or similar software) you'll get a pretty good idea visually. In this case there is a primary (hard-coded so to speak) ASRB of 20:5, meaning 20 minutes of subliminal input followed by 5 minutes without subliminal input. 1 loop has therefore 3 chunks of silence. Secondary ASRB expands the concept that the brain needs breaks from subliminal input because of the information load on a broader scale of days. So for MLS it is 1:1, one day input, one day off. Rinse and repeat.

[Benjamin]

The 6 pillars is a good book, i'm maybe half way through.

The sentence completion stuff is interesting, i'm thinking of adding it at some stage to the other things i'm doing.

[Darwinn]

Thanks Raz!

Nice one Ben, what I found was that it’s been one of the things that have oriented me toward a strong commitment to being honest.

It’s so counter intuitive.

I never realised that committing to being honest with yourself means less self criticism because excess
criticism is mostly neurotic and not true. Further more it’s made me smarter because so much less bandwidth is taken up by trying to look good.

Accepting yourself as well - rather than making me more lazy and ok with my flaws it’s gjven me space to work on them - again less Time trying to ignore them, hide them and pretend they don’t exist.


Responsibility for my life has meant LESS guilt and less resentment and anger because it’s a total bringing home of power, there’s nothing you can’t have at least some responsibility for.

He basically took Ayn Rands objectivism and turned it into a philosophy of self development - albeit slightly more developed than Ayn Rand who just became too narrow IMO. Crazy to think he actually had a relationship with her as well!

[Darwinn]

Today I very comfortably and confidently found my way through a conversation in a language id thought I’d forgotten (haven’t spoken it since being a child). It was just a calm, willingness to play with words and not feeling self conscious that seemed to allow access to the words and scentevr structure. I didn’t even think twice about it. Play seems to be key to learning, and a great way to circumvent the inner critic.