DMSI-3.2A

[Zane]

If you like sad feeling nostalgia songs, here's another classic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrZRURcb1cM

So sad to hear about Dolores O'Riordan, I used love their music. I'm even kicking myself for not going to see them live a few years ago. Life really is short.

If you can start seeing what's in your head as just an obstacle, you'll have an easier time overcoming it.

So make some goals and start kicking some ass!

Thanks Man. Yeah I am gonna start kicking ass starting from today.
Oh! I found the remake Bad Wolves - Zombie (Official Video)

[Zane]

You're courageous for posting this Zane. You've been upfront and DIRECT telling us (and yourself) that you're considering changing subs.

Would you have admitted this, say, a year back?

Well,Tbh I would have been scared to admit my true thoughts and feelings. I was even scared of talking to people in authority..lol I was even scared of Shannon and Ben ..Thinking that they might ban me or reply in rude way xD

So yeah, I was fearful of admitting my feelings and thoughts both in real and virtual world..

I wrote that to let you know......DMSI is making changes in you. Your ideas have been growing and changing, as you went from "I like trading" to "I've done some" to "my dad's going to send me to school".

Something is moving in you day by day, and I thought I'd point that out. Your progress encourages me :-)

Thanks Buddy, I do know that I am changing and all the highs and lows of emotions are just a part of healing. In past one year I have learned that how growth happens..

Still its good to hear to from other people as they notice my unconscious behavior that I am not aware off.

[Shawn]

You're courageous for posting this Zane. You've been upfront and DIRECT telling us (and yourself) that you're considering changing subs.

Would you have admitted this, say, a year back?

Well,Tbh I would have been scared to admit my true thoughts and feelings. I was even scared of talking to people in authority..lol I was even scared of Shannon and Ben ..Thinking that they might ban me or reply in rude way xD

So yeah, I was fearful of admitting my feelings and thoughts both in real and virtual world..

When did it change?

[Zane]

You're courageous for posting this Zane. You've been upfront and DIRECT telling us (and yourself) that you're considering changing subs.

Would you have admitted this, say, a year back?

Well,Tbh I would have been scared to admit my true thoughts and feelings. I was even scared of talking to people in authority..lol I was even scared of Shannon and Ben ..Thinking that they might ban me or reply in rude way xD

So yeah, I was fearful of admitting my feelings and thoughts both in real and virtual world..

When did it change?

It started a little bit with OF-5G but then MLS-5.5G pulled me out of it and made me realise that there is nothing wrong with expressing myself. Infact I found people starting to like my honesty and also when I was on MLS-5.5G.. I Felt tired of lying about my feelings and thoughts..

I would say stuff on MLS-5.5G which was like purely without emotional involvement.. Before expressing my feelings will make me anxious but on MLS-5.5G I dint feel anxious so it was easier to it.. I found no reason to lie or hid.. But DMSI is like firing that up and taking it to next level.. I wasn't even afraid to said stuff in front of my cousins and parents I thought it would make me look bad but Infact it made a good impression... Cause finally I can tell what I want and who I really am.. Was Sick and tired being someone else and a good boy who is harmless..

DMSI will always be my first choice and MLS-5.5G second... I think many here would agree with this

[Zane]

So, yesterday night I had this sudden feeling to watch Nude pic sent to me by a girl long time ago and I was in middle of doting the deed but then I just felt my pc muscles make movement for like 2 sec and then the urge to fap was gone...no Ejaculation and nothing

I closed the nude pic went to bed started listening to songs and after sometime I fell asleep.. and believe me I had one of the scariest nightmare I ever dreamt off.. There were no ghost or anything.. Infact I see that Zombies type dreams don't scare me that much... The dream was about how my relatives were threatning me to make me suffer unless I give them all of my money and possessions.. It was as if I was more scared of being poor and homeless then being scared of Zombies and ghosts...

Iam now sure that I whenever a great resistance or some breakthrough is about to happen I have this huge urge to fap for no reason.. Its like I am listening to songs and the urge comes out of nowhere.. I mean I wasn't even thinking of it before...

I just feel this warm energy around my balls.. I guess that's how normal sexual urge feels like..

[Benjamin]

I know what you mean about getting the urge.

I basically don't fap anymore, haven't for years. On DMSI I have 3 times, once just in bed to test if it was working because I felt my sex drive was gone (rationalization haha) and then twice in 2 days to pictures a woman sent me.

It was crazy because I had got over the habit and not had any urge to before doing 3.2.

[Zane]

Right now I am having doubts if I will ever be able to real my goal of becoming "Financially Independent". I mean I have a plan and I know Its gonna atleast 3 years for me to just reach that goal.. Maximum 5 years. But still I feel hopeless. Infact I am feeling hopeless towards my career also.
This HC is pretty hard if u ask me.

Also, I am not doing anything unproductive these days as I just don't feel like wasting my energy doing unproductive stuff but at the same time I can't bring myself to be productive. "B" used to push me to be productive and keep me motivated but on "A" motivation is low. I wanna do stuff but don't wanna.. Yet at same time I don't wanna waste my time on useless stuff.. I am so stuck in between..

Also, havnt fapped in 2 days and I can sense the horniness in my balls but my subconscious desire to "not fap" id really strong right now... Even if I consciously try to convince myself to fap.. Then I can feel a big repulsive desire from subconscious to not... It's like those feelings where u don't want to eat that certain dish cause u don't feel like.. Even if r hungry.. Cause u think its better to be hungry than eat that..


Also I have noticed that people are hanging around in my room more.. This happened only few times. Once my Niece came in and started roaming around me then today when I woke up all of sudden my aunt and cousin sister came into my room and tbh I didn't even give a damn. Before I would have tried to impress them but now i dont also my cousin is kinda attractive but this time i was like "who cares" ..... I did feel a little self conscious but all was good..

[Zane]

Right now I feel as if there is nothing in this world that will make me happy..I mean I dont find pleasure in anything. I have no desire to eat my fav snack, watch movies and anime or listen to music. Infact I feel as if they make me more exhausted.

Its like I wanna doing something to escape these frustrated and trapped feelings but idk what it is ...I cant find anything that will help me escape it. Its like I have no choice to live with it..

Even if I do come up with something that might have helped me escape or get me mentally high to escape these feelings the "Idc,idgaf,idgad,who the fuck cares,fuck off attitude,go to hell , leave me alone" attitude kicks in.

I dont feel like talking to anyone or making this journal but I am doing cause these healing phases are important. All this frustration trapped inside my heart and chest is so uncomfortable.

Idk if I can take these feelings anymore. I dont feel like stopping this sub cause its kinda good but i am so uncomfortable right now.

Yesterday was as if my past came in front of me so that I can deal with it it wasnt bad it include checking my ex-gf fb and his bf..(its been 2 years) .Wasnt jealous of her but I hated his Bf for like 10 min and then after that I stopped gaving any damn and fuck..

Then I saw some 10 years old video of myself and my family and stupid things we did..Then I checked my high school friends and some one them are working in abroad while I did nothing for 7 years..Felt bad but then was over those feelings..

But what I am feeling right now is worse than yesterday..Some kinda breakthrough going to happen ..idk..

I seriously wanna give a Damn and Fuck...but I cant seem to

I dont think even fapping is gonna help me with these cause I did it yesterday and it worse today.

I wonder if these were the feeling I was trying to numb before..Because fapping did help me numb those before I even noticed it but now its like there is no escape...Damn Idk if this is "The Wall" Shannon was talking about but ...fuck its fucking me hard ..

[mat422]

That feeling of nothing making you happy is something I've been going through too. Don't try and escape. Explore it. Find out why you're unhappy or upset. I guarantee there's a part of you that's numbed out and isn't being heard. Post about it in your journal, that's what I did. No matter how irrational or upsetting, just get it out. You don't even have to do it publicly, but don't hide from these things. It's actually a good thing stuff like tv and music doesn't let you escape, it forces you to face what is bothering you.

[Zane]

Me and my brother both sleep in same room,so he is also exposed to DMSI but he doesnt know.

It looks like my younger brother is feeling the effects of DMSI much more stronger than I am. Even his friends are complementing him that his chest is all out and there is a glow on his face. I mean he looks smart and sharp. Also hes socializing alot with friends these days..I expected this as he was already emotionally healthy only with few issues.

What we both have noticed that when subliminal starts playing at night then suddenly we both start feeling this heat from our body that I have to lower the AC temp more and turn on the fan to full.

Anyway I am thinking of switching to Hybrid Track and see where it goes. Have never tried Hybrid Track.

Yesterday I was coughing alot so I gave MHS-5.5G Hybrid Track a shot for like 5 Hours and slept like a baby and when I woke up I was all better.

Also, it seems that I am listening to songs which are related to "war and pain",can be a coincidence or maybe I am analysing tooooo much.

[Zane]

Everyday..I mean everyday I am having dreams. Dreams that involve everything from past,present,future ,relatives,friends,fears,goals,desire and sex/nudity..

I just love it. They are so interesting but I cant seem to remember when I wake. But I do know it was a good dream. Something is happening inside,something amazing. Never experienced this on any 5G or 5.5G sub.

Maybe Hybrid will make things more interesting

[LionKing]

You can try writing them down as the first thing you do after you wake - you should start remembering a bit more soon.

[Zane]

I am using Hybrid for two days and today my body was burning by then end of 2nd loop.

Also the urge to masturbate increased all of sudden. Even if i don't want to fap.. I still did. Ugh ..I dont even wanna think about doing it but I still do it.

[Zane]

Yesterday, I played 2 Loops of DMSI A-US-Track.....Today I feel like a Vegetable. I sometimes wonder what do I want from life or What does Life want from me..

Sometimes I am so sick of myself. Damn me for being so be weak mentally and being fucked up by life.