Aventus AM6 Journal

[tolgaocal80]

Stage 4 Day 21

Resistance is making do absolutely nothing. Thus sunday was the worse as i literally just woke up , existed and slept again. My mind wants me to run OF 5.75g but i still have a good portion of AM6 to go through.

Keep going Aventus, I will do AM after OF. I was thinking again AM but later I noticed that I was trying to espace the consequences of using OF. 
People giving good feedbacks although nobody even completed a full run of OF. So I believe before a six stage, running OF is best thing to do, especially when it comes to SM.
 best wishes to you with AM. btw how many runs on AM?

[Darwin]

Hey @Aventus45 if it helps the dark/numb/raging times of AM6 ended up being the times I grew most and now cherish when i look back. Definitely keep on it, it's a beautiful journey of frustration when viewed in hindsight.

[Aventus45]

Hey @Aventus45  if it helps the dark/numb/raging times of AM6 ended up being the times I grew most and now cherish when i look back. Definitely keep on it, it's a beautiful journey of frustration when viewed in hindsight.

There’s no other direction other than forward and that’s how I intend to go. I made it longer than my last run which was stage 3. I will have to fight it to the bone if I have to but I hope I don’t have to go to that though. I still remember the idea of AM6 being a refining process and by using it, I put myself into the forge to be purified and I knew what I was signing up for. I just sometimes wish I took up OF first to clear up some of the stuff I’m going through now.

[Darwin]

Great attitude

[Aventus45]

Literally replaying parts of the audiobook, Models by Mark Manson, on parts of vulnerability, setting boundaries and knowing my own personal truths. Looking to explore those parts of myself.

[Aventus45]

With the help of AM6, Therapy, and investing in myself, i noticed that im not being triggered as much by women anymore. 

AM6 and the therapy session helped a ton with processing the things im going through, how they are related, and sowing the seeds with my own future. I felt really drawn to the idea of finding my emotional truths and setting boundaries and I expanded it when i talked to the therapist and explored deeper.

Working out and Meditation has been doing wonders for my mood. I chose jump rope for cardio as it can keep me entertained enough to go longer and im no long tripping up on the rope. Meditation has been helping me notice my internal world a little bit better. I have been able to go a little longer on that too now.

[Aventus45]

Yet another rough day and had a mild panic attack. I was able to see it coming and meditate and whether it.

I finally found the name for the darkness inside me that wants to dive into narcissism, taking what i want in terms of women whether or not they want to or not, anger, rage and whatnot. I realized it was in a sense "society's Masculine ideals" fueled by the rage and pain from my experiences with women.

[Aventus45]

Earlier in the week, I was helped out my sister with clearing her desk and bring books back to her place to sell. By chance, one of her coworkers was throwing out a book that is supposed to be for boys and sex. Cheesy concept at first impressions but since it’s free I thought “why the hell not” and decided to take it and read it. It finally gave me that name to the darkness that I felt for the longest time and is opening my eyes up to my porn addiction and what type of relationship I want in the romantic sense.

Gave me a lot of food for thought for what to run after OF 5.75g. I’m still thinking about sex magnet because it might help me heal, express, and develop my sexual side which I find lacking. I don’t really feel the need to absolutely duck every hot girl anymore.

I’m also thinking of LTU 6 because it will help with my self esteem and all around growth. Currently I’m seeing a crossroads in what I want to do in the future.

OF still will take priority because I feel like there’s a lot of fears that I still have in general and if it works as advertised then I’ll definitely become better and more clear and expressive in my
Life as well as having the courage to pursue things that held me back.

[Aventus45]

I feel the call of LTU 6 and honestly I dunno how much more of AM I can take rn. It feels like my self esteem has been destroyed this entire stage. The resistance is calling to me to effectively just die to escape it and no amount of self improvement is fixing my core neediness rn.

Is it cause if the format I’m running? Ultrasonic is making me skeptical
Of me being exposed to the sub cause I have a ton of white noise in my room

[Yous]

Im also in AM6, stage 4. Is in someway like going in the opposite direction, but is going better slowly. I think is better to continue until the end. In many subliminal there is a good beginning but after it gets more difficult, even in LTU6 you see journal with this happening. We have less than the half to finish and the hardest path has been already passed. Keep it on.

But as well i can see that some good changes, difficult to say exactly what, but more confident and calm in general, less neediness and more centered although with less motivation, but I think this will change because now it's getting better.

I like to use 2 formats, ultrasonic for sleeping and during the day when i can masked with headphones, this prevent me for boring and with headphones you can feel that it's working better sometimes.

[StridingStrider]

Keep going

[tolgaocal80]

on my run 2 stage 4, I was verry motivated and calm, just doing my thing without noticing any distraction. And needness wasn't there at all. but in run 1, it was very bad, felt desperate, hopeless, and I barely done stage 6.
I always listening masked 8 hours in sleep, about 6 hours in day with headphones. Finish it, the next time you will feel like in the movie "Limitless"

[Aventus45]

Thanks everyone for the support, it means a ton to me. 

The resistance has lessened a bit after I bombed it with another day of AM6 loops. Instead of outright screaming, It’s being reduced to something less than screaming but still present. I noticed in the morning that there’s another side of me that’s rising up. It’s almost like a militant, aggressive send of self worth bubbling up.

I’m noticing that there’s two sides of me that’s duking it out. One side, the confident AM side that praises my own boundaries and is the angry and wants to express its own self worth. This is the public face that everyone i know sees, which is why people get surprised that I’m depressed. It’s also the side where I express my advice to people and such. This part of me is mixing with the so called darkness I thought of as the societal definitions of masculinity, not unlike that of a caveman.

The other side of me, is like a slimy, sticky, equally dark but is filled with the embodiments of low self esteem, self loathing, neediness and all things depressing and toxic. It’s the voice that was screaming and making me want to escape into LTU 6( ironically would have been out of the pan and into the fire type of deal). It’s the side of me that comes out when I’m alone and have nothing to preoccupy myself with.

Edit: at least I have a few days left of stage 4 so there’s a silver lining at least

[Aventus45]

Stage 4 day 31

The resistance is quiet now and I woke up to a really high definition sexual dream. It was like I was really there and felt everything. It’s a rare dream for me.