All that is gold does not glitter... yet! - Mateunio's Alpha Male 6 journal

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 3 Day 30

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Did you know you can buy green beer in ordinary store?

Two more day to go and I can feel it in my guts it's not gonna be a catwalk. Why?

First of all ERPHA is still kicking. It helped me deal with previous issues, sure, but now that I've lost it I feel empty, purposeless. It's like now I have many variables to redefine and it might take time. Some realizations are hard, right?

Second of all I've gotten new responsibilities which take up big bunch of my time. It's not a bad thing, quite the opposite! This will present me with opportunities to learn as well as force me to be more mature and to organize my time better. However it will also mean I have much less time to recharge my batteries and it already makes me jumpy and passive-aggressive. Also I'll be leaving for Easter so there is little perspective for vacation and true rest up until June. Welcome 9-to-5 life I guess?

And lastly I got into a fight (colloquially and literally) with my friend. I played my alpha stance and it got me into trouble. Nothing serious happened and it's way too complicated situation to mention in here, but in the end it made me feel guilty, even though I know I was right. This situation is still haunting me.

So yeah, though times. I see myself alienating from others and being easily frustrated. On the brighter note spring is coming, days are getting longer and temperature will soon be nice enough to do daily jogs on the afternoons. I will set laser-focus on getting thinner as well as my studies and maybe that will help me. For now though I need to deal with new schedule and stop being dick to others (or maybe stop being guilty about being a dick?).

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 3 Day 32
Stages 1-3 summary

And so I'm half-way through Alpha Male program. For me it's a success in and of itself as I've never sticked to any program for as long in my life. I wasn't an easy ride and I'm sure I will experience some hardships as time goes by. Enough of the descriptions though, I'll just run through all bullet points on AM6 sales page and I'll rate every of them depending on my progress through the past stages. Rates from worst to best are -(bad), =(no changes or mixed), +(good), ++(awesome).

= The Naturalizer: Hard to say if it works and I hate it when people use it as an excuse for lack results. Still there are times when I realize that changes came without me noticing.
? Self Optimizing Scripting: No comment.
? HyperSpeed Technology: No comment either.
+ The Optimus Engine V. 2.0: I think I can feel it working as I pursue my goals, I can recognize it from LTU.
= Slipstream Technology: I have lots of resistance, but if most of it is caused by ERPHA Slipstream is not to blame.

- An improved on circle of friends manifestation sequence: Yeah, friends manifestation. Even though I believe I made quite a progress on this from with LTU, AM6 seem to revert it all. For past 3 months I met no one I'd consider a friend nor my bonds with old ones are stronger. I've heard it kicks in during 4-6 stages and I'm curious how it goes.
+ Self forgiveness
+ Forgiveness of others without allowing them to walk on you or mistreat you: Recent events show me it works.
= Letting go of the past: ERPHA kicks me with past all the time.
+ Maturity improvement: Every person I've asked confirms I'm more mature, and it's also how I feel.
+ Wisdom enhancement
+ Self healing, emotionally and mentally: Scars hurt as hell, but that's what healing process is all about, right?
+ Trauma and abuse healing
= Supply your own love, affection and attention: I need to work on that, especially since I felt it much stronger with LTU.
+ Overcome any victim mentality you may have when you start the program: For what I've done I take responsibility and I learn from what others have done.
= Refuse to justify actions that are not moving you forward, or accept that behavior from yourself: With resistance it is hard. But strangely enough I can walk by candies without taking one
= Kill excuses and refuse to accept them from yourself or anyone else: I'm critical to excuses, but unlike candy I'm guilty of taking them.
+ Seek the challenge: Sure, completing those challenges is sometimes problem though.
++ Overcoming guilt, shame and fear: My favorite part of LTU is still present and kicking! Still lots of fear, but shame and guilt are pretty much gone.
= Self validation: I depend way too much on validation from the outside.
= Maximize rate of growth, healing, self improvement and change: It's all happening, but I'd say it's first gear.
? Optimize script to be more comprehensive, more specific and more positive in impact and effects: No comment.
? Optimize scripting for [surprise! You’ll have to use the program to discover what this one is]: Didn't got there yet, but I'm curious if it will have any effect one me.
+ Improved scripting for overcoming procrastination: I can make things done, but I'm far from productive yet.
- Approaching focus, for making it easier to approach others, especially attractive females: Yeah, I still lose at this game.
= Approval seeking destruction: I've never been approval seeker, but it didn't decrease this winter.
+ Self empowerment/self empowering: I have my waves of self empowerment, I just wish they were more frequent.
+ Only works for heterosexual males of at least 18 years of age: That explains why it doesn't affect my roommate. Sorry, bad joke.

= Have let go of any negative self image, attitudes, thoughts and beliefs about yourself: Depending on day sometimes I feel great about myself, and sometimes I feel worthless. Still lots of negativity in me.
+ Have a powerful, positive sense of self respect, self esteem, self image and self worth.
- Have unshakable self confidence: Not really, lack of confidence is now my greatest issue.
+ Be unaffected by rejection: Unaffected is not the word I'd use, but it is easier.
= Treat women as people to enjoy the company of, without taking them too seriously, needing them, or being easily upset by them: I'd imagine nothing changed in this regard, I've never treated women as f**kdolls like many people here do, as far as I read their journals correctly.
+ Have released expectations towards women, which often lead to bad choices, actions, attitudes, thinking and responses: I feel much more indifferent around women.
+ Be self sufficient and self reliant mentally, emotionally and otherwise: I am my best friend, for better or worse.
+ No longer be, or come across to others as “needy”: Also neediness in other is huge turn-off for me now.
= Take good care of yourself, your hygiene and your appearance, not just because you want to be attractive to beautiful women, but because it makes you feel good about yourself: I can survive three days without shower if I only need to go to the store on that day, so no progress. Arguably I dress better though.
- Be able to effortlessly approach any woman you want – and the more attractive you find her, the easier it will be: I wasn't doing any approaching exercises lately, but whenever I wanted to approach I was blowing it. I need more confidence first.
= Be selective about whom you spend your time with, and which women you give your time, interest and affections to: Not much to choose from.
++ Exude an aura of confidence, commanding presence and authority, which gets you respect, attention and obedience: I must admit people are more respectful to me, I don't need to raise my voice when I arguing.
= Exude an aura of sexiness that makes you much more attractive to the beautiful women you encounter. The more beautiful they are, the more attracted and interested they will be: I get more looks, but nothing that would really support the claims. I'll wait till next stages for that I think.
+ Have a Zen attitude, which keeps you calm when other guys would lose control, thus demonstrating your self control and mastery of the situation – an Alpha male trait: It's easier for me to stay calm, but it's not worth much when I'm often angry anyway.
= Display graceful, confident body language, which broadcasts your power and dominance to all, but especially females (for whom body language is a very important way of communicating, and thus determining the men they are interested in): I notice sometimes that my body language is changing (me watching Sons of Anarchy recently had a lot to do with it), but it's still not quite it.
? Display the attitude, thinking, actions and speech patterns of an Alpha Male: Hard to evaluate. If you saw me on the street you'd call me out for beta for sure.
+ No longer seek approval from others, nor be concerned with what they think of you or what you do or say: Talked about it already.
= Be your own man, who does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, where he wants: If not for the fears I still have it'd might have actually be plus.
= Be in control when dealing with women, and especially beautiful women or women you are interested in: Didn't had much to deal with here, so no comment.
= Be entirely unconcerned about “getting the girl” or achieving sexual interaction, which will make the ladies perceive you as higher status, higher value, and more worthy of both: No easy summary here, I'm not interested in having girlfriend for social validation, but I still long for romance.
+ Be easily able and willing to walk away from people and situations you don’t like, and TELL HER NO — whether it’s to her asking for sex or anything else: If I don't like what I'm seeing I get the funk out
= Be in complete control of yourself and your environment, and YOU will be the one who controls when, how, and with whom you have sex: Yeah, my masturbation schedule is completely up to me.
- Develop and display a fantastic sense of humor, which will make you socially popular and attractive to others, especially beautiful women: My sense of humor didn't get any better.
- Be entirely comfortable in social situations of any type, whether they are familiar to you or not: Unless it's something work or studies related I'm as awkward as I can only be.
? Be a better, higher and more refined quality of man: I dare not to cast that judgement onto myself. I'm trying though!

+ Acceptance of, and feelings of reservedness of, being treated well: They better do!
+ Deserving respect from others.
= Self love and liking yourself: Mentioned it before, I felt it much stronger with LTU.
= Valuing yourself
+ Extended ego balancing: I wouldn't rate it, but people seemed to point into this one.
= Strong, centered masculinity and masculine presence: Sometimes it works, sometimes it ain't.
- Destruction of negativity within you concerning yourself and others, and replacement with positivity: I've lost a lot of that attitude since LTU.
+ Self acceptance with continual striving to be better than you are
= Destruction of laziness
+ Motivation boost
+ Doing what needs to be done, because it needs to be done, and that is the way of the Alpha: Often feel that way.
- Extroversion enhancement and training
+ Self forgiveness
- Social stability, skill and strength: Stability sure, skill and strength not so much.
= Overcome abandonment issues
+ Success training
= Gratitude: I notice a lot I'm not grateful. I must work on it.
+ Self trust
+ Self image of man, instead of boy
= Leadership training and development: I've never felt like a leader.
+ Decisiveness training
? Authenticity and congruence training
= Destruction of jealousy and possessiveness, and replacement with self security, self reliance and self satisfaction
+ Constant self growth and progress
? And more!: I sure hope so

To sum up as you can see "+" and "=" dominated. There are some "-", but I think they are mostly due to switch from LTU to AM6 and I do hope those will even out. Also I hope my social play will get better in next 3 stages, I really wanted to see improvement in those when I started AM. Other than that changes are slowly showing up and I'm determine to complete this program and probably rerun it in 2015-16.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 4 Day 1

I've had the most awesome dream tonight. It wasn't ordinary dream, more like series of dreams, like every dream started when old one ended. There was zombie outbreak (I've watched iZombie yesterday so maybe that has something to do with that) and I had lots of adventures connected to that. Other than many familiar places and people I remember one thought in particular: I was able to overcome hardships ahead of me by thinking outside the box. I simply knew I need to change my pattern of thinking and when I did I was having a success. Quite a message I must say.

I don't think it can be contributed to this stage yet, rather to the previous stages or the weather, but I feel quite good actually. Maybe not like an alpha yet, but certainly better than I did past few days. What's more today I've read recent blog update from my past sweetheart. I wasn't looking for it, it just appeared on my facebook main page and so I thought I'd rather read it and face my past than pretend it ain't happening. I got a bit anxious after that, but nothing major considering how personal that particular update was and that half a year ago something like that would probably make me sleepless and jumpy. I'm not done with her yet, but certainly I'm glad things are easier now.

[Benjamin]

The zombie dreams are back hahaha. So many of us had them a few years ago on the forum.

How was iZombie? I was thinking of watching it but there's so many zombie shows now i'm kind of like "ahh". The walking dead is always my number 1.

[Mystic Pymp]

The zombie dreams are back hahaha. So many of us had them a few years ago on the forum.

How was iZombie? I was thinking of watching it but there's so many zombie shows now i'm kind of like "ahh". The walking dead is always my number 1.

I expected iZombie to be silly teenager drama created on wave of Twilight popularity, but actually it wasn't bad. It's very different from The Walking Dead, main character is zombie who helps police solving murders by eating victims brains and extracting their memories from them. I liked the humor and visual style a lot. Just don't take it too seriously and it's quite fun to watch.

[Benjamin]

Cool, yeah I thought it looked similar to that too which is why I haven't watched it. I'll try the first episode and give it a chance. You into the walking dead aswell?

[Mystic Pymp]

Cool, yeah I thought it looked similar to that too which is why I haven't watched it. I'll try the first episode and give it a chance. You into the walking dead aswell?

I'm TV series freak so I watch many popular shows. It's not as much a obsession, more it's my favorite way to learn English as I don't have much access to native speakers nowadays. For example now when I have time I'm watching Fringe, reminds me of The X Files, only now I'm big enough not to be scared of it . As for The Walking Dead except for terrible second season (the one at the Hershel's farm) I liked it a lot. I didn't start watching recent season, but I'll catch up as soon as this season is done and it's out on blu-ray. So no spoilers, please

[Mystic Pymp]

You greedy little bastard you... For some reason today I've fallen in love with this song while it was unnoticed for something like 6 years since I listen to Breaking Benjamin. It must strongly resonate with me, but I am still to figure out why.

Stage 4 Day 4

Something's in the air and I'm not sure what, but I'm either in some kind of emotional thaw, or I start to really feel effects of AM! I don't think it's because of new stage, it's rather something that was going on under my radar and only now it comes to the surface, but if it is to continue I'd be more than happy! I feel empowered, strong, almost confident even. I feel so motivated in fact taken my current hairstyle and shave I'd might almost resemble Aragorn from my profile picture (I chose this pic for his eyes, so determined and unapologetic!). I fear I might go back to my old, whining me from stages 2-3, but for now I feel great. Next few days should see some new developments from my side so for now I'll keep myself from talking no to jinx my high, but I'm optimistic.

[Benjamin]

I'm TV series freak so I watch many popular shows. It's not as much a obsession, more it's my favorite way to learn English as I don't have much access to native speakers nowadays. For example now when I have time I'm watching Fringe, reminds me of The X Files, only now I'm big enough not to be scared of it Smile . As for The Walking Dead except for terrible second season (the one at the Hershel's farm) I liked it a lot. I didn't start watching recent season, but I'll catch up as soon as this season is done and it's out on blu-ray. So no spoilers, please

I stopped watching it that season because it was a bit crap, but i'm very glad I went back to it eventually. It keeps getting better.

I love Breaking Benjamin, just found out they are bringing out a new cd soon. This is their new single from the cd.

[Mystic Pymp]

Thanks Benjamin, I didn't know either but I'll be looking forward to it now. The album I'm excited about right now is Apocalyptica's "Shadowmaker", we'll see how that will go.

Stage 4 Day 9

Time for an update I think. Couple if things happened and they are certainly sign that things are going in the right direction. To be honest I'm surprised how well this stage goes compared to previous ones. If anything it was worth going through previous three to get here. Things feel like falling into place like pieces of a very complicated puzzle, and even though there are still a lot of missing pieces rough picture seems to unfold. I don't know when puzzle will be complete (if ever!), but at least there is progress.

As testament to that this Easter will be first one I'll spend away from my parents as I'll be going to my distant family to be a godfather for cousin's child. Not a religious person myself I refused similar offers in the past (I also feared responsibility, being a hypocrite and who knows what else), but I accepted this time. I needed to do some formalities, buy new suit etc., but it all went nice and smooth. Timing with all other affairs is good and since I'll be among virtually strangers to me (I've seen them like 5 years last time, feels like light years away) it will be great occasion to see how I've changed since starting using the subs.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 4 Day 13

It's funny how resistance for this stage picked only half way through it. During previous stages first week or so was the hardest and then it varied, but here it rose slowly until now. I feel tired all the time and I feel really dissociated from people, almost as if I was in different dimension than I am. I blame two things for that. First the weather here is atrocious; one second it is beautiful outside just to change into storm of 8-9 in Beaufort scale and I don't think those shifts in weather and low pressure is good for me. Second thing I notice my BS detector is off the charts and it's getting more and more difficult to accept it. And since my friends I spend time with on the daily basis are not exactly avatars of maturity and thinking I get quite angry, which obviously I hold inside in kind of passive-aggressive toxin.

That resistance is not why I'm writing however. I want to ask for advice. Tonight I had the most awesome dream of my life. Mainly because it was my first proper lucid dream. I had a couple of those back in high school when I was trying to get those, but all I got were a couple of awakenings which either kicked me out of the dream a few seconds later, or I would loose control over the dream and wake up a minute later without doing anything cool. Here it was different, awakening was gentle and it lasted for half a hour. The problem is a lot of circumstances had accumulated there which I think will make it hard for me to recreate these conditions, and even so I might not awake next time. So if you are knowledge about LD or you practice it yourself, any advice or recommended sites/forums? I've googled around, but all I found so far is the same vague talk I know from a couple of years back. Also I'm curious if I could use LD and visualizations together, focusing on both every night would be problematic joining the effort would be awesome

[GlaizenGold777]

Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming by Stephen LaBerge. That's the only book I use for learning LD.

In Indonesian biggest forum, LD is already discussed and many person is successed become oneironauts (lucid dreamer). One of the most useful source we use is the book by Stephen LaBerge.

Hope it helps.

[Mystic Pymp]

Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming by Stephen LaBerge. That's the only book I use for learning LD.

In Indonesian biggest forum, LD is already discussed and many person is successed become oneironauts (lucid dreamer). One of the most useful source we use is the book by Stephen LaBerge.

Hope it helps.

Thanks, sounds promising. I tried to replicate my results today but I failed, I had awesome Fringe-inspired dreams though. I gonna have lots of spare time this Easter so if I'll be able to get my hands on this book I'll give it a go. This reminds me that I need to reread "How To Become An Alpha Male" and "The Unchained Man" before end of this run.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 4 Day 14

Invictus. Undefeated. It's funny how I forgot about this poem, even though it helped me survived even the toughest of challenges life threw at me. No more, I'll be the master of my fate, I'll be the captain of my soul. I will not let others rule over the course of my life nor will I beg on my knees for things I deserve - I'll fight for them instead!

That's it for today.