02-07-2015, 12:03 PM
Stage 2 Day 24
This post might turn into an essay. Be warned.
Long time no post. And for good reason. First one and probably a trigger for second one was that I was too busy with finals to "waste" my time on reading this forum not to mention post here. Second is I stopped giving a crap about this forum. Don't get me wrong, every now and then I'd come here and read more interesting topics and this evening I've read all posts I've missed last two weeks. However I used to be obsessed about Subliminal-talk and I'd look for validation from you, fellow readers and writers. I used to look for newest clues, hottest new e-books or tapping techniques. Now it's gone. I don't know if I got tired of this forum or it's something from AM, but it's gone. I used to write because I wanted my journal to be on page one the whole time, now it dropped to page 3 and I was happy that other people are sharing so much. Now I write because I fell like having some things fall out of my chest and nothing more. This is a good thing because I no longer analyze everyday what changed (and those changes with subs are not clear) and I just live. Adventure is much more enjoyable this way.
Okay, so where to start? Oh, right, something strange happened. I won't get into details how this happened, but ultimately I was asked to go with two separate parties to the same movie this weekend. Well, almost never anyone asks me to go with them, not to mention two parties, wow! First party was my roommate, his mother and his female friend which I was dating (or rather was trying to date) last spring. Funny thing is it was her who ultimately proposed me to get along with them. Not as a date obviously, but given her character I was surprised. I said I'd think about it (and I was contemplating not to go because 1) I'd refuse in the past simply because I don't like socializing and 2) because I was afraid bad memories would come) and ultimately agreed. More on her later though. Second party was my cousin and his girlfriend. They said to go along with them and after some miscommunication (I think they though I was trying to wiggle my way out of going with them) they went for the same hour I went. So basically I ended up with going with both parties at the same time, introducing them to each other and sitting in between them. I can't recall anything like that happening before.
One of the best thing that comes out from not lurking on this forum anymore is that I no longer post "I fell good today" or otherwise posts. It's not to say that I don't have swings anymore, cause I do. I have them a lot, but I recognize it has really nothing to do with sub. People have better or worse day subs or not. I fell more bad than good however. The most important factor to that is simple - I feel like I'm not doing enough. Whether I could do more or not is another question, but facts are simple. I could have gotten better grades at the finals, I could have started lifting weights or doing cardio etc. You get the idea. Instead in most places I'm at the same place I've been 2 months back. There is this song in Polish called "Tak.. tak..to ja" which means "Yes, yes, that's me" which describes my feeling perfectly. It is basically dialog between vocalist and vocalist's ego during burst of empowerment which wants to change and is disappointed on oneself because yes, he's trying "he's best", but ultimately he spends more time "looking in the mirror" and daydreaming the changes rather than realizing them. It's like something (fear?) is blocking me, I have no idea. I don't feel hatred for myself for that because I love myself, but I fell powerful disappointment. It's not all bad though. I think confusion is slowly going away (just in time with 3/4 of the stage done!).
So I was to get back to this girl I've been with (and with 4 other people) to the cinema. Well, I don't really know what to write. There is plenty to write but little I know how to put into words. I think I know and can write with all certainty is that I have no intention of pursuing her whatsoever. The same goes for the girl I've mentioned already at the beginning of this stage. Why? Both of them are nice girls and even good girlfriend materials, but I just don't think it's a good idea. If a girl was to pursue me I'd probably indulge her and go out with her a couple of times, maybe start a relationship, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. Having a girlfriend now sounds like a living in a house without a roof or with weak foundations. I'd so much rather focus on myself at least to the end of this run and only then start doing something towards a relationship of any kind. Well, that or I will meet a girl actually worth pursuing, but that didn't happen in over 2 years now and start to wander if this kind of girl I'm looking for actually exists. I hope it does.
This post might turn into an essay. Be warned.
Long time no post. And for good reason. First one and probably a trigger for second one was that I was too busy with finals to "waste" my time on reading this forum not to mention post here. Second is I stopped giving a crap about this forum. Don't get me wrong, every now and then I'd come here and read more interesting topics and this evening I've read all posts I've missed last two weeks. However I used to be obsessed about Subliminal-talk and I'd look for validation from you, fellow readers and writers. I used to look for newest clues, hottest new e-books or tapping techniques. Now it's gone. I don't know if I got tired of this forum or it's something from AM, but it's gone. I used to write because I wanted my journal to be on page one the whole time, now it dropped to page 3 and I was happy that other people are sharing so much. Now I write because I fell like having some things fall out of my chest and nothing more. This is a good thing because I no longer analyze everyday what changed (and those changes with subs are not clear) and I just live. Adventure is much more enjoyable this way.
Okay, so where to start? Oh, right, something strange happened. I won't get into details how this happened, but ultimately I was asked to go with two separate parties to the same movie this weekend. Well, almost never anyone asks me to go with them, not to mention two parties, wow! First party was my roommate, his mother and his female friend which I was dating (or rather was trying to date) last spring. Funny thing is it was her who ultimately proposed me to get along with them. Not as a date obviously, but given her character I was surprised. I said I'd think about it (and I was contemplating not to go because 1) I'd refuse in the past simply because I don't like socializing and 2) because I was afraid bad memories would come) and ultimately agreed. More on her later though. Second party was my cousin and his girlfriend. They said to go along with them and after some miscommunication (I think they though I was trying to wiggle my way out of going with them) they went for the same hour I went. So basically I ended up with going with both parties at the same time, introducing them to each other and sitting in between them. I can't recall anything like that happening before.
One of the best thing that comes out from not lurking on this forum anymore is that I no longer post "I fell good today" or otherwise posts. It's not to say that I don't have swings anymore, cause I do. I have them a lot, but I recognize it has really nothing to do with sub. People have better or worse day subs or not. I fell more bad than good however. The most important factor to that is simple - I feel like I'm not doing enough. Whether I could do more or not is another question, but facts are simple. I could have gotten better grades at the finals, I could have started lifting weights or doing cardio etc. You get the idea. Instead in most places I'm at the same place I've been 2 months back. There is this song in Polish called "Tak.. tak..to ja" which means "Yes, yes, that's me" which describes my feeling perfectly. It is basically dialog between vocalist and vocalist's ego during burst of empowerment which wants to change and is disappointed on oneself because yes, he's trying "he's best", but ultimately he spends more time "looking in the mirror" and daydreaming the changes rather than realizing them. It's like something (fear?) is blocking me, I have no idea. I don't feel hatred for myself for that because I love myself, but I fell powerful disappointment. It's not all bad though. I think confusion is slowly going away (just in time with 3/4 of the stage done!).
So I was to get back to this girl I've been with (and with 4 other people) to the cinema. Well, I don't really know what to write. There is plenty to write but little I know how to put into words. I think I know and can write with all certainty is that I have no intention of pursuing her whatsoever. The same goes for the girl I've mentioned already at the beginning of this stage. Why? Both of them are nice girls and even good girlfriend materials, but I just don't think it's a good idea. If a girl was to pursue me I'd probably indulge her and go out with her a couple of times, maybe start a relationship, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. Having a girlfriend now sounds like a living in a house without a roof or with weak foundations. I'd so much rather focus on myself at least to the end of this run and only then start doing something towards a relationship of any kind. Well, that or I will meet a girl actually worth pursuing, but that didn't happen in over 2 years now and start to wander if this kind of girl I'm looking for actually exists. I hope it does.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
