Natious's AM6 (finished)

[Natious]

The fact that we pay so much more attention to the dreams while using the sub is great, noticing some nightmares, but then sometimes these confident Alpha dreams.

So I should be 32 days into the 4th stage, ear infection is still persisting so I'm using speakers during the day time. Kind of a downside is that since it's holidays I can't be near the speakers the whole day so I get only around 7-8h of exposure which is bad. Also I'm not sure the speakers are 20kHz since they make the crackling sound sometimes, oddly enough though if I pause and play that disappears and turning up the volume I can hear the ultrasonic ringing, so they should be able to play the track just fine.
Thinking of doing 40 days total so this stage wouldn't be much sub par to the 3rd stage quantity wise. Shannons input would be helpful here.

Decided to take a break from being sober and some great things have surfaced. I had my first drink yesterday and it wasn't like before, I no longer seem to have an emotional connection to alcohol as something that would help me. More specifically I didn't feel more social and more fun after having 5 glasses of whiskey (they weren't full of course).
On one side it's good, since that means alcohol has lost it's usefulness to me. But I got to admit the taste of a little whiskey was good.

Past few days I've felt quite strong in general with a few down moments. The general mood seems to be quite stable or if it does decide to go down I try to listen and act accordingly to why those feelings might be there, then it seems to subside. My base line for mood isn't very high, I'd say it's a bit towards the depressive side, but that should increase over time.
All of this new understanding of my feeling is good, but I can't figure out how to quite incorporate that into social life, especially if I would decide to go for temporary employment. In the past Id let people say what they wanted about me, now every time I do that I can actually feel how something has taken a bite out of me, not sure what to think of all this but to keep using the sub and trying to cope with my current situation, while not trying to put too much pressure on where I should go or where I've been.

I keep fighting this one paradoxical idea that keeps bringing its self back. It's about being in the present and having goals to achieve something big. On one side I have this "ego" feeling that I need to get to somewhere big, become this person who achieves something so big that it is seen as something admirable, that I'm actually reaching my full potential. On the other hand there's being present and following the enjoyable moments every instant, but there's a fear that I won't be able to achieve my full potential this way.
The problem with both is that, I can't aim for my goals if I don't get out of my rut, but I'm not sure I would be able to aim for something that high if I go with following my own enjoyment every moment.
For a long time I have started things but stopped after big blocks on the way and then convincing myself that it's actually boring anyway and isn't what I really want.
I started reading the "seduction bible" and in the beginning he said:

Perhaps your perception of women is tainted by lingering bitterness, shame, blame or pain.
Well, get in line.
If any of these apply, you probably won't enjoy the adventure ahead. Every step will seem like sandpapery torture as you find your rawest buttons pushed and your comfort zone repeatedly trampled. Maybe this isn’t the ideal time for you to go through this singular experience. And that's okay, too.
If you need to heal first, go heal first.

And that instantly made sense. It's not only in that specific section, but in life general. All kind of challenges have felt like that description. And they don't seem like something that makes me stronger but rather weaker and feed the fear of going out there.

This seems to be one of the big fears that keeps me stuck at the moment, that I just won't have what it takes to face those challenges. It has been like this in the past, how would it be any different now.

Going to let AM6 work on that and see how it turns out.

Edit: Self esteem and self value seem to be incredibly low. It has probably been this way for a long time, maybe I have just started to really see it for what it is and that's why it seems magnified.