All that is gold does not glitter... yet! - Mateunio's Alpha Male 6 journal

[Mystic Pymp]

I thought it was absence I felt. It wasn't. It isn't. It is the presence of absence. It is the indwelling of the unreal. It is an approximation of actuality. In some way, although unreal, the things for which we yearn are actually present in our longing. Shared solitudes that are Not enter into us, and we know them by the void their presence presses into our hearts. The fullness of the presence of absence is what makes the tears flow in the dark, not pain. The intimacy of our missing dreams fills us, fills us to overflowing, and when we cry with longing, we cry because we are full.

Stage 1 Day 6 Evening

I didn't go to the party. I could, but I didn't want to. I like to drink and recently I tend to enjoy such endeavors very much, but there is something I resent. And that is drinking out of sadness. Does it mean I am sad now? Not exactly, but it's the easiest way to describe it. I feel emptiness, absence. I felt this month ago while running LTU, but it was different kind of absence. Back then I felt like I cut off cancerous part of myself, it made me light and happy. Now I feel like what was cut off was hope, something good and pure. The strangest part is that I don't understand why it hurts so much. I shouldn't, it wasn't big deal and from the start I knew how this is likely to end. Oh, my subconscious, our partnership is hard sometimes. I must know why, reasons must be hidden somewhere inside me, I must only get to them and uncover them. I'll dedicate next two days on that.

This is such a beta thinking :/