10-10-2014, 12:03 AM
(10-09-2014, 11:56 AM)Natious Wrote: Sage 2 day 20: I've been noticing that I have started to dissociate very often again. I have so much restless/nervous/anxious energy inside that I can't feel relaxed almost at all. Doesn't matter what I'm doing. I read on the subject a bit and have a strong feeling that it's caused by PTSD. Sometimes it feels like too much, this constant anger and feeling of conflict, like 2 parts of you keep fighting at all times. If some voice in the head says "I can't do this" or "pff I hate myself" I seem to answer very bluntly to that part in the lines of "shut up" in a very angry manner and the ball of anger/frustration/restlessness then grows. It's so stressful, even though logically I have no reason to be stressed at the moment. No obligations, no need to go to a job or do anything I don't really feel like doing. On the other hand I want to do and go somewhere in life, but the constant fogginess and tiredness is too much to properly try and get some clarity.
Not sure, but I think that it might be the reason why I feel so obligated to play behind my pc, watch something or "need to do something stimulating" so much, it's like these emotions can't really get me there. Although I do find myself very angry and frustrated at times, it's still somewhere else than "here" stuck with this pile of constant negative crap building upon itself.
I absolutely hate it, I don't want to be this way, but it seems that the harder I try not to the bigger that frustration/anxiety grows. I thought I had my acne cleared when I did 6 months on antibiotics, but now it seems to have returned. I think I have wrestled with this for a very long time, but didn't really know that it wasn't normal until about a year and a half ago.
I hope AM brings this issue to plain light and helps me take it for a final brawl, this is no way to live.
This is a good sign, it means that AM is working on a major issue. Just keep strong and affirm to yourself that it is a good thing that you feel so bad and that you welcome it. This isn't suppose to be an easy ride, especially if you've spent years suffering.
