(09-22-2014, 12:29 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: Do you sing in public ever? I do at work some times. There are few things I love more than singing, but if I realize someone is aware of my singing (or worse, ENJOYING it lol) I get self-conscious and stop. It's weird really.
No :/ Well, I mean I can sing by myself in a car and I was singing a bit when walking home from the bar last Sat (quietly & checking that there's no one to hear it). I forced myself to do karaoke once with a friend. It just feels like such a personal instrument, which is both why its so great, and why I can't have anyone hear me..
Stage 1, Day 29. I think I'm starting to "get" some of David Deida's deeper musing. Did long hours of tapping again.. I didn't want to, but when I start on big stuff, there's always something under it that's preventing the release, and then something under that and so and so forth.
I went for the fenced/unfenced relationship feeling, thinking about explaining some of that stuff I wrote on Sarge's journal to someone. Not an easy exercise to try & explain something that complex in your mind while doing the eef tracks btw, do try! Anyway, took a long time but I kinda ended up connecting some sad & sorry feelings about how shy & unsocial I feel I've been growing up, and all the good feelings (touch, pleasure) there are when having sex or foreplay. Triggered an intense pain in the middle of my chest almost at sternum level, that slowly moved to the left and down, to and over the heart in maybe 30 minutes.
At first I interpreted that as needing acceptance & loving through sex as a way to accept myself, and maybe it was. However, what I realized a while after is that its not both the man's and woman's role to show love, desire & acceptance towards each other equally.. When I think of how sex feels best for me, its when I'm 100% into her, completely in awe of how sexy & gorgeous she is, and how good she feels. Then (I'm guessing and deducing here) she gets to feel that, and starts to feel free, which makes me see her as even more gorgeous. So what I really get from it, is that I get to turn my focus completely off of myself and onto how amazing she is at the moment, losing myself for a short while. That's why sex is just mundane when I don't really desire her at that time, or I'm worried about performance or something. I don't think that's how women feel it, I think they lose themselves in a different way somehow, probably related to feeling loved/desired.
That kinda raises some thoughts.. like that its kinda backwards to expect admiration from women, and how porn is actually quite well suited for men.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
