The Next Level - LTU 5 [2nd Season]

[Raz]

"When our maps do not fit the territory, when we act as if our inferences are factual knowledge, we prepare ourselves for a world that isn’t there. If this happens often enough, the inevitable result is frustration and an ever-increasing tendency to warp the territory to fit our maps. We see what we want to see, and the more we see it, the more likely we are to reinforce this distorted perception, in the familiar circular and spiral feedback pattern."

-- Harry L. Weinberg [Levels of Knowing and Existence] (1959)

Day 2

I am. Which is all well ... but not enough.

[Raz]

I'm playing cowboys and indians with my mind, while King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard sports the soundtrack to that onslaught. I would be so much easier if I could just tweak my psyche and all that meta-state stuff directly.

[Raz]

Day 4

For several weeks I was sleeping 10+ hours per night. I didn't really wanted to get up and did anything to prolong being asleep. A blind man can see that this is an avoidance tactic. I am trying to avoid some parts of my reality. And it is working really well. This evolved drastically during my most recent UMS run. I was on it for about 50 days, trying to power through what ever it was that needed powering through. But after weeks without improvement I saw no other choice but to change trains.

Things are getting better by the day. Small steps only, but improvement nonetheless. Another profound change is my verbalization. For the past four weeks on UMS I really had to struggle to express myself. As if I had only restricted or lagging access to my center(s) of speech. I was able to understand others perfectly, following mindbendingly complex ideas without problems. But talking ... I stumbled, was at a loss for every-day words, and unable to think creatively on a vocalized level. When writing I needed more energy/focus/force to express myself precisely, to the point that I wrote a lot less.

Again, this seems to bounce back to what I regard as baseline normal for me.

[Raz]

Day 5

I have decided to salt this LTU run with in-the-moment LFC usage. So here and there I will be getting 2 loops of LFC along the way, probably more often than not. I am curious to find out if those two subliminals are able to play synergistically or not. If not, I'll drop LFC.

[Raz]

Day 6

My sleeping pattern is slowly stabilizing. Although I still sleep a lot, it is getting less and less every day.

I am curious to see how the physical detox will affect me this run. During the last run I was still smoking to no avail. I am happy to say, that this is absolutely a thing of the past. I really think my first LTU 4/5 run laid the groundwork for this and a couple of days of LFC (as strange as it sounds) finally flicked the switch. The habit became an empty husk during LTU and LFC cracked it. So, since I am not actively poisoning my system any longer, I am curious about what is in store for me detox-wise.

[Shannon]

Impressive. Congratulations on freeing yourself of smoking.

[Raz]

Impressive.  Congratulations on freeing yourself of smoking.

Thank you. Since then I have a lot of fun while experimenting with different breathing techniques.

[Shannon]

Impressive.  Congratulations on freeing yourself of smoking.

Thank you. Since then I have a lot of fun while experimenting with different breathing techniques.

I'm looking forward to when I get a chance to build Stop Smoking Forever again.  That should be quite interesting.

[Raz]

I'm looking forward to when I get a chance to build Stop Smoking Forever again.  That should be quite interesting.

The next version of SSF will be amazing, I am sure. FRM 4.5 plus the LTU synergistics eroded almost anything that stood in my way to stop smoking and a little nudge from FRM 4.8 in LFC sealed the deal for good. With FRM 4.8+ the next version of SSF will strike swiftly like a ninja.

[Raz]

Day 10

I am mentally itchy and restless. Not sure if this is a result of sleep deprivation (thank you night shifts), interference between LTU and LFC, or plain and simple resistance on my part.

[Raz]

Day 11

OK, my crankyness yesterday was due to lack of sleep. Actually I am beginning to think that LTU and LFC compliment each other.

Now I just need to get into editing mode and finish revising some manuscripts, which I have been dragging out way too long. It clicked in my head once again, I have problems finishing stuff. It is not a problem of perseverance or of focus. I don't even think it is fear in most of the cases (you know, things like finishing to read books). It is just like some formed habit.

[Raz]

Day 12

I am feeling stupid. Like mentally retarded. Interestingly, I don't have any mindfog, which normally accompanies those days/weeks when I am not mentally as fit as I'd like to be.

Right now, I am working on a manuscript of a paper which recently came back from the review process of the journal I am going to publish it in. Not a whole lot left to do and it should be as easy as snatching sweets from a sleeping toddler. But somehow I cannot focus on it. I am at a loss for words, unable to get into the matter. I am pretty sure this is something fear-related. I have been avoiding to finish it like the plague. And now that I finally work on it, I am too dim-witted and empty-headed to get it done properly. Needless to say, I f*cking hate this part of me.

[Shannon]

Instead of hating it, why don't you try to be understanding, communicate with it, understand what it is doing and why from its point of view, and then convince it that the reasons it is afraid are no longer valid?

[Raz]

Instead of hating it, why don't you try to be understanding, communicate with it, understand what it is doing and why from its point of view, and then convince it that the reasons it is afraid are no longer valid?

I have written that I hate this part of me, but that sentence is emotionally empty. Just words without emotional meaning. I am not really sure how I can explain that.

Understanding it is easy. I have done nothing else but understand myself for the past several years. But I cannot communicate with that part of me. There is no connection at all. It is outside my sphere of influence. Like something seperate and self-contained. I have been trying for years to find something to open the proverbial doors or communication channels. I have become indifferent.