01-22-2013, 12:27 AM
AM 5 Stage 6 Day 12 w/ OGSF
As an odd contradiction, tonight I'm feeling rather depressed. I had the evening free, and instead of going out, I stayed in. I didn't call any friends. I didn't look for salsa dance lessons. I even thought to myself that I should go out. Maybe enjoy a cigar.
Instead, I played Call of Duty poorly. Then I watched Netflix.
The really crappy thing is that I was listening to Dr. Paul Dobransky talk about how making decisions and taking constructive action is one of the ways we strengthen our character, and how we cure depression or anxiety.
So right after hearing this, I did the opposite. And this is right in line with something my ex said about me: that I rebel against things without considering the consequences or even whether I need to rebel against them.
Looking back on the day, it seems like I was handed a key to happiness, and instead of putting it into a door to see if it unlocks it, I dropped the key and walked away.
Why did I do this? I've got a lot of crap going on in my head. A lot of feeling worthless, hopeless, and helpless. I want to pull the sheets up over my head and never come out from under them.
Writing this out makes it easier to put together, especially after I get past beating myself up. Could this be the fear, or my ego, going bananas during a weak point to stay in power? I've gotten a lot of headphone time with both AM5 and OGSF lately, and I wonder if between getting tired from that and the assault on The Evil Trio could be kicking my butt.
Now that I think of it, I followed a pattern without thought: I said, "I can go out later. I'll just make dinner, and watch Netflix while I eat." which turned into Just One More Episode until 11:30pm.
As an odd contradiction, tonight I'm feeling rather depressed. I had the evening free, and instead of going out, I stayed in. I didn't call any friends. I didn't look for salsa dance lessons. I even thought to myself that I should go out. Maybe enjoy a cigar.
Instead, I played Call of Duty poorly. Then I watched Netflix.
The really crappy thing is that I was listening to Dr. Paul Dobransky talk about how making decisions and taking constructive action is one of the ways we strengthen our character, and how we cure depression or anxiety.
So right after hearing this, I did the opposite. And this is right in line with something my ex said about me: that I rebel against things without considering the consequences or even whether I need to rebel against them.
Looking back on the day, it seems like I was handed a key to happiness, and instead of putting it into a door to see if it unlocks it, I dropped the key and walked away.
Why did I do this? I've got a lot of crap going on in my head. A lot of feeling worthless, hopeless, and helpless. I want to pull the sheets up over my head and never come out from under them.
Writing this out makes it easier to put together, especially after I get past beating myself up. Could this be the fear, or my ego, going bananas during a weak point to stay in power? I've gotten a lot of headphone time with both AM5 and OGSF lately, and I wonder if between getting tired from that and the assault on The Evil Trio could be kicking my butt.
Now that I think of it, I followed a pattern without thought: I said, "I can go out later. I'll just make dinner, and watch Netflix while I eat." which turned into Just One More Episode until 11:30pm.
Fear is a liar.
There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. -- Ernest Hemingway
There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. -- Ernest Hemingway
