12-24-2024, 01:59 AM
(This post was last modified: 12-24-2024, 02:06 AM by Johannesbrst.)
I just had one of the most soul-crushing insights this morning, finally looking honestly at myself and the way I operate. So much that I have been doing in my life has originated from the wish to feel good about myself. My ideas to create a company, to become a successful musician, to get the attention from girls, so fucking much of it has come from the lack of self-acceptance. If I just can get this, or that, or do this, or become this person. Ironically, probably running Maverick itself came from this desire.
But I'm done. I'm officially done. I don't need to do anything or be anyone to feel good about myself. I will be radically self-accepting, and any thought or person to claims that I'm not good enough as I am can go fuck themselves. The decision to see if I'm good enough or not is solely, without any exception, up to me and only me.
So this hurts like a motherfucker, because suddenly the driving force behind everything I have been doing has showed itself with it's ugly face and showed that it was coming from a lack, trying to fill a void that will never be filled by this drive but has to be taken care of in other ways. Suddenly I need to reevaluate the way I look at myself. Suddenly I need to face those feelings of inadequacy, and meet them head on and deal with them, not resorting to imagining a future, going after an idea or a person that will keep those feelings at bay.
The feeling of contentment has to come from within, without any external indicators of any type of achievement that falsely can be translated to self-worth. No, the feeling in itself will generate the sense of self-worth, as this is an inherent right to each and every person, including myself, to feel good enough and to have the sense of worth.
So, as much as it goes against my instincts, I will, perhaps contradictory to what I believed Maverick would make me to, stop trying to achieve anything until this solid sense of self-worth is ever present in myself, without any dependence of who I am, what I do or whom I'm with. I will simply go to my job, do my hobbies, meet my friends, live my life and enjoy it while radically accepting that I'm good enough, without having to try to achieve this image of a superhuman I have in my mind, the person I have believe I need to become to finally give me the sense of feeling like I'm good enough. I'm done following this vision, this is the time to live in the present and deal with everything that I am and that I feel towards myself, right here, right now.
But I'm done. I'm officially done. I don't need to do anything or be anyone to feel good about myself. I will be radically self-accepting, and any thought or person to claims that I'm not good enough as I am can go fuck themselves. The decision to see if I'm good enough or not is solely, without any exception, up to me and only me.
So this hurts like a motherfucker, because suddenly the driving force behind everything I have been doing has showed itself with it's ugly face and showed that it was coming from a lack, trying to fill a void that will never be filled by this drive but has to be taken care of in other ways. Suddenly I need to reevaluate the way I look at myself. Suddenly I need to face those feelings of inadequacy, and meet them head on and deal with them, not resorting to imagining a future, going after an idea or a person that will keep those feelings at bay.
The feeling of contentment has to come from within, without any external indicators of any type of achievement that falsely can be translated to self-worth. No, the feeling in itself will generate the sense of self-worth, as this is an inherent right to each and every person, including myself, to feel good enough and to have the sense of worth.
So, as much as it goes against my instincts, I will, perhaps contradictory to what I believed Maverick would make me to, stop trying to achieve anything until this solid sense of self-worth is ever present in myself, without any dependence of who I am, what I do or whom I'm with. I will simply go to my job, do my hobbies, meet my friends, live my life and enjoy it while radically accepting that I'm good enough, without having to try to achieve this image of a superhuman I have in my mind, the person I have believe I need to become to finally give me the sense of feeling like I'm good enough. I'm done following this vision, this is the time to live in the present and deal with everything that I am and that I feel towards myself, right here, right now.
