08-03-2021, 11:02 AM
(08-03-2021, 01:49 AM)Benjamin Wrote: OF still continues to be subtle. On the weekend was hanging out with a group of friends and without going into details some people were trying to intimidate us and stood my ground and was relatively calm. And a few people trying to be abusive and I kind of just laughed it off, where usually i'd want to yell something back or whatever.
I also am becoming aware.. again as i've noticed this in the past of how imagining certain things can contribute to fear and anxiety. Like i'll imagine these crazy situations that I could get in and it doesn't seem like much in the moment, but then when I go out somewhere I might feel a little anxious because of that, but it's hard to attribute to the imagining hours or days before but I can see it's connected.
When I went down the street yesterday alternated between feeling fairly comfortable and a little anxious all of a sudden, but I kind of just allowed it to be there and it was okay. Again before that happened I had scenarios running in my head and as i've seen again and again it never happens and things are okay. But it's difficult to stop that imagining even if sometimes I may be aware of it happening.
One thing I noticed is that I wasn't necessarily feeling this myself, but others were responding. It's almost like a little bit of fear that would create a barrier between me and others had lessened, and a few people said hi to me randomly which doesn't usually happen. I've definately noticed in the last year or so that i've got more uncomfortable going out down the street because of all the fear and propoganda being thrown at us daily. It's made me disconnect from people more, not engage with them as much or chat to people working in shops. I'm not like that around friends, but now i'm public I am more.
One thing that I don't know what to say but both tonight and last night I had an urge to put aggressive music on. Where now I almost only listen to chillout music when on my computer, or grunge when in my car. Marilyn Manson is probably the most aggressive I listen to.
Last night when I put it on I noticed it actually was putting me into fight and flight, but I let it pump me up a bit and enjoyed the feeling briefly. Then it got a bit much and I turned it off. Tonight i'm listening to the same band but it feels like it's much calmer. Not sure what else to say about that, but it's an observation.
Been alternating between kind of boredom, not being able to focus to wanting to do other things like get off the computer and read or write on a notebook. Also gone for a walk a few times in the last week outside which I don't usually feel like doing, but then I would go and kind of get bored.
I've been having thoughts of going back to 3 loops from 6. Shannon has said usually if you want to lessen loops it could be resistance, though i'm thinking it might not always be. My mind is telling me it will be overwhelming, that my head will hurt more though it's only hurting a little now that i'm thinking of this, so that seems to answer my question in that it is some type of resistance, so still 6 loops and take nights off when I feel like I just don't want to listen at all. Had no urge to do any loops through the day most days, today did 1 ocean surf loop on headphones.
It's funny i'm also missing LTU and how I felt on that alot of the time.. which is also probably some type of wanting to run away.
I briefly got into a mood earlier where I just wanted to get into an argument and let out some aggression. Then instead I spontaneously felt playful and patted my dog, which really is better.
Also it's becoming more and more obvious to me too much nice guy tendencies in some situations. With strangers I don't have this issue, I don't like conflict but I won't avoid it if it comes up which it has a bit recently and I can access aggression in those cases.. but some things with friends i'll just get annoyed and not say anything about it like a situation recently.. i'll just think about it and get angry and think that i'm overreacting, that maybe I just felt I was being treated a certain way because I was feeling insecure that day.
It definately is like the old "I don't want to rock the boat" thing around friends and people I know. Which is funny because in general my opinions are not the popular or conventional ones and I express them and whats also funny is some of my friends even comment on my ability to do so.. then when it comes to conflict or feeling treated unfairly by them I still bottle that up.
I can see a connection to abandonment and fear of abandonment. With established friends and such I don't want to say something about certain things because I fear I will upset them and lose them, with strangers I don't really care.. there's even been times i've got into confrontations where i've stood up for myself and a friend i'm with will just stand there quietly and seem to be scared to be part of it.
I've noticed that tension is more in the air in recent times, and people are more likely to be quite irrational which is why these things are happening more.
Hey Ben 6 loops 3 on/2 off. I only doing 1 loop masked ocean. Last night woke sweating. I had to take off shirt and my room was at 67. My hold upper body hot. Are you hybrid or mask? Should I be doing more than 1 loop?
