Make Fear Fiction Again (OF V3)

[Shannon]

The worst is when fear becomes a closed loop. Fear of both ends of a spectrum. People afraid to live and die, or succeed and fail, etc. It creates paralysis that results in an endless state of misery from the gridlock as you try to find the point of least pain between those two fears.

The good news is, OFv3 can get your subconscious to unravel even that if you keep using it.

[Benjamin]

The worst is when fear becomes a closed loop.  Fear of both ends of a spectrum.  People afraid to live and die, or succeed and fail, etc.  It creates paralysis that results in an endless state of misery from the gridlock as you try to find the point of least pain between those two fears.

The good news is, OFv3 can get your subconscious to unravel even that if you keep using it.

Yep it's definately pretty crazy.. and I don't think i've come across much information about this kind of thing before.

I hope so, it'd be awesome to be rid of these things.

[Benjamin]

Was good to get out of the house and go for a walk yesterday, I was sitting down at the river and a girl rang me from our social group who I haven't seen for ages.. and was going to come down as I had asked the group yesterday but nobody really answered. Then said a few of them were going somewhere else.

So went there, a few other women who were friends with them. A little uncomfortable in some ways, but mostly pretty relaxed. I noticed a subtle difference in that I was a little more touchy again like I used to be with women which I kind of stopped doing. Due to a few things that I won't go into, i've more developed the ability to just socialize and enjoy it, even just socialize with women without trying to go for anything. But the fear and blockages around actually 'going for it' has increased quite a bit.

Last night had this weird dream, I was upstairs in the house I grew up in where my computer was. And there was a woman cleaning the room or something and she disconnected and moved my computer and I couldn't find it, there was just a monitor sitting there on the carpet. I started going mental and screaming and threw the monitor down the stairs.  

I woke up realizing how much the computer has been my longest term coping mechanism, and how as a kid my parents got me a computer and it was my way to escape the world and the issues I had at school and such.. and it's still a pattern now.

Then I got really pissed off cos this sabotage i've mentioned come in how it usually does. Initially the realization just hits me in my body like 'wow' i'm guessing that's evidence of a belief shifting.. and I start having the realization and thinking about it.. in the past it would lead to the shift. But this bs comes in and is like 'can I let it go' and destroys it even if I say no.. but I can temporarily distract my mind from saying yes or no to delay it. When it happens it's like I still can kind of 'logically' remember what was happening in my mind, but it seems to destroy the shift that was happening.

So this is either some damage from doing sedona method which I will never touch again, or from a dodgy hypnotist a few years ago.. seems more likely the second one.. and i've tried so many things to try to get rid of it.

So feeling more down today, i'm not sure because of OF processing but I think it's more because of that issue and realizing how much that would happen during LTU.. I would have dreams at night indicating shifts and wake up and that same thing would happen, and I imagine my changes would have been much better without that, and I already really liked what LTU did.

The desire to look at porn got much stronger, before I even looked at it briefly then I was like 'what am I doing?' and closed it and said "Ok i'll play OF instead" and i've now gone to hybrid ocean surf x1 listen on headphones.

About 13 minutes in and I don't know, with the ocean surf listening I usually feel more relaxed by now. With hybrid i'm not feeling too much yet.. maybe it's too much in my case, but i'll see. Afterall the autoconfig brought me the desire to use it.

[Benjamin]

Eh.. so after listening to hybrid I kind of couldn't stop myself and went on a spree.. looking at porn several times. Normal ocean surf seemed to relax me and relax the urge. Hybrid ocean surf didn't relax me and triggered the desire more.

I'm not sure what to make of that, whether it means hybrid has hit upon something deeper so is better because ocean surf wasn't going deep enough, or that I should stick to ocean surf when I listen through the day.

The crazy thing is I feel much better today, but after a few days usually feel worse and regret it. Plus I notice that my energy seems to be a bit repulsive to people after and I just feel weak in myself.

The problem is when my sex drive builds up I get tons of frustration and kind of obsessive, like thinking that I just have to have sex and standards going down and in the past i'd have sex with someone yuck then really regret it, plus some dark thoughts.. then eventually it leads to looking at porn and feeling better the day after but then worse after that.

And now that obsessiveness is gone and I feel like I can think about something else again, until I feel like shit alot more a few days later.. frustrating cycle.

Don't remember any dreams from the last few nights. I'm liking my sleep being better on this though. This morning I got up a bit after 7am which is unusual too.

[THolt]

Eh.. so after listening to hybrid I kind of couldn't stop myself and went on a spree.. looking at porn several times. Normal ocean surf seemed to relax me and relax the urge. Hybrid ocean surf didn't relax me and triggered the desire more.

I'm not sure what to make of that, whether it means hybrid has hit upon something deeper so is better because ocean surf wasn't going deep enough, or that I should stick to ocean surf when I listen through the day.

The crazy thing is I feel much better today, but after a few days usually feel worse and regret it. Plus I notice that my energy seems to be a bit repulsive to people after and I just feel weak in myself.

The problem is when my sex drive builds up I get tons of frustration and kind of obsessive, like thinking that I just have to have sex and standards going down and in the past i'd have sex with someone yuck then really regret it, plus some dark thoughts.. then eventually it leads to looking at porn and feeling better the day after but then worse after that.

And now that obsessiveness is gone and I feel like I can think about something else again, until I feel like shit alot more a few days later.. frustrating cycle.

Don't remember any dreams from the last few nights. I'm liking my sleep being better on this though. This morning I got up a bit after 7am which is unusual too.

Seems like it’s the Tidal effect at work…

[Benjamin]

OF still continues to be subtle. On the weekend was hanging out with a group of friends and without going into details some people were trying to intimidate us and stood my ground and was relatively calm. And a few people trying to be abusive and I kind of just laughed it off, where usually i'd want to yell something back or whatever.

I also am becoming aware.. again as i've noticed this in the past of how imagining certain things can contribute to fear and anxiety. Like i'll imagine these crazy situations that I could get in and it doesn't seem like much in the moment, but then when I go out somewhere I might feel a little anxious because of that, but it's hard to attribute to the imagining hours or days before but I can see it's connected.

When I went down the street yesterday alternated between feeling fairly comfortable and a little anxious all of a sudden, but I kind of just allowed it to be there and it was okay. Again before that happened I had scenarios running in my head and as i've seen again and again it never happens and things are okay. But it's difficult to stop that imagining even if sometimes I may be aware of it happening.

One thing I noticed is that I wasn't necessarily feeling this myself, but others were responding. It's almost like a little bit of fear that would create a barrier between me and others had lessened, and a few people said hi to me randomly which doesn't usually happen. I've definately noticed in the last year or so that i've got more uncomfortable going out down the street because of all the fear and propoganda being thrown at us daily. It's made me disconnect from people more, not engage with them as much or chat to people working in shops. I'm not like that around friends, but now i'm public I am more.

One thing that I don't know what to say but both tonight and last night I had an urge to put aggressive music on. Where now I almost only listen to chillout music when on my computer, or grunge when in my car. Marilyn Manson is probably the most aggressive I listen to.

Last night when I put it on I noticed it actually was putting me into fight and flight, but I let it pump me up a bit and enjoyed the feeling briefly. Then it got a bit much and I turned it off. Tonight i'm listening to the same band but it feels like it's much calmer. Not sure what else to say about that, but it's an observation.

Been alternating between kind of boredom, not being able to focus to wanting to do other things like get off the computer and read or write on a notebook. Also gone for a walk a few times in the last week outside which I don't usually feel like doing, but then I would go and kind of get bored.

I've been having thoughts of going back to 3 loops from 6. Shannon has said usually if you want to lessen loops it could be resistance, though i'm thinking it might not always be. My mind is telling me it will be overwhelming, that my head will hurt more though it's only hurting a little now that i'm thinking of this, so that seems to answer my question in that it is some type of resistance, so still 6 loops and take nights off when I feel like I just don't want to listen at all. Had no urge to do any loops through the day most days, today did 1 ocean surf loop on headphones.

It's funny i'm also missing LTU and how I felt on that alot of the time.. which is also probably some type of wanting to run away.

I briefly got into a mood earlier where I just wanted to get into an argument and let out some aggression. Then instead I spontaneously felt playful and patted my dog, which really is better.

Also it's becoming more and more obvious to me too much nice guy tendencies in some situations. With strangers I don't have this issue, I don't like conflict but I won't avoid it if it comes up which it has a bit recently and I can access aggression in those cases.. but some things with friends i'll just get annoyed and not say anything about it like a situation recently.. i'll just think about it and get angry and think that i'm overreacting, that maybe I just felt I was being treated a certain way because I was feeling insecure that day.

It definately is like the old "I don't want to rock the boat" thing around friends and people I know. Which is funny because in general my opinions are not the popular or conventional ones and I express them and whats also funny is some of my friends even comment on my ability to do so.. then when it comes to conflict or feeling treated unfairly by them I still bottle that up.

I can see a connection to abandonment and fear of abandonment. With established friends and such I don't want to say something about certain things because I fear I will upset them and lose them, with strangers I don't really care.. there's even been times i've got into confrontations where i've stood up for myself and a friend i'm with will just stand there quietly and seem to be scared to be part of it.

I've noticed that tension is more in the air in recent times, and people are more likely to be quite irrational which is why these things are happening more.

[GreekGod22]

I also am becoming aware.. again as i've noticed this in the past of how imagining certain things can contribute to fear and anxiety. Like i'll imagine these crazy situations that I could get in and it doesn't seem like much in the moment, but then when I go out somewhere I might feel a little anxious because of that, but it's hard to attribute to the imagining hours or days before but I can see it's connected.

Definitely. The brain does not distinguish between imagination involving all senses and reality.

[Z-Man]

OF still continues to be subtle. On the weekend was hanging out with a group of friends and without going into details some people were trying to intimidate us and stood my ground and was relatively calm. And a few people trying to be abusive and I kind of just laughed it off, where usually i'd want to yell something back or whatever.

I also am becoming aware.. again as i've noticed this in the past of how imagining certain things can contribute to fear and anxiety. Like i'll imagine these crazy situations that I could get in and it doesn't seem like much in the moment, but then when I go out somewhere I might feel a little anxious because of that, but it's hard to attribute to the imagining hours or days before but I can see it's connected.

When I went down the street yesterday alternated between feeling fairly comfortable and a little anxious all of a sudden, but I kind of just allowed it to be there and it was okay. Again before that happened I had scenarios running in my head and as i've seen again and again it never happens and things are okay. But it's difficult to stop that imagining even if sometimes I may be aware of it happening.

One thing I noticed is that I wasn't necessarily feeling this myself, but others were responding. It's almost like a little bit of fear that would create a barrier between me and others had lessened, and a few people said hi to me randomly which doesn't usually happen. I've definately noticed in the last year or so that i've got more uncomfortable going out down the street because of all the fear and propoganda being thrown at us daily. It's made me disconnect from people more, not engage with them as much or chat to people working in shops. I'm not like that around friends, but now i'm public I am more.

One thing that I don't know what to say but both tonight and last night I had an urge to put aggressive music on. Where now I almost only listen to chillout music when on my computer, or grunge when in my car. Marilyn Manson is probably the most aggressive I listen to.

Last night when I put it on I noticed it actually was putting me into fight and flight, but I let it pump me up a bit and enjoyed the feeling briefly. Then it got a bit much and I turned it off. Tonight i'm listening to the same band but it feels like it's much calmer. Not sure what else to say about that, but it's an observation.

Been alternating between kind of boredom, not being able to focus to wanting to do other things like get off the computer and read or write on a notebook. Also gone for a walk a few times in the last week outside which I don't usually feel like doing, but then I would go and kind of get bored.

I've been having thoughts of going back to 3 loops from 6. Shannon has said usually if you want to lessen loops it could be resistance, though i'm thinking it might not always be. My mind is telling me it will be overwhelming, that my head will hurt more though it's only hurting a little now that i'm thinking of this, so that seems to answer my question in that it is some type of resistance, so still 6 loops and take nights off when I feel like I just don't want to listen at all. Had no urge to do any loops through the day most days, today did 1 ocean surf loop on headphones.

It's funny i'm also missing LTU and how I felt on that alot of the time.. which is also probably some type of wanting to run away.

I briefly got into a mood earlier where I just wanted to get into an argument and let out some aggression. Then instead I spontaneously felt playful and patted my dog, which really is better.

Also it's becoming more and more obvious to me too much nice guy tendencies in some situations. With strangers I don't have this issue, I don't like conflict but I won't avoid it if it comes up which it has a bit recently and I can access aggression in those cases.. but some things with friends i'll just get annoyed and not say anything about it like a situation recently.. i'll just think about it and get angry and think that i'm overreacting, that maybe I just felt I was being treated a certain way because I was feeling insecure that day.

It definately is like the old "I don't want to rock the boat" thing around friends and people I know. Which is funny because in general my opinions are not the popular or conventional ones and I express them and whats also funny is some of my friends even comment on my ability to do so.. then when it comes to conflict or feeling treated unfairly by them I still bottle that up.

I can see a connection to abandonment and fear of abandonment. With established friends and such I don't want to say something about certain things because I fear I will upset them and lose them, with strangers I don't really care.. there's even been times i've got into confrontations where i've stood up for myself and a friend i'm with will just stand there quietly and seem to be scared to be part of it.

I've noticed that tension is more in the air in recent times, and people are more likely to be quite irrational which is why these things are happening more.

Hey Ben 6 loops 3 on/2 off. I only doing 1 loop masked ocean. Last night woke sweating. I had to take off shirt and my room was at 67. My hold upper body hot. Are you hybrid or mask? Should I be doing more than 1 loop?

[Benjamin]

Hey Ben 6 loops 3 on/2 off. I only doing 1 loop masked ocean. Last night woke sweating. I had to take off shirt and my room was at 67. My hold upper body hot. Are you hybrid or mask? Should I be doing more than 1 loop?

Sweating is unusual, maybe some kind of cleansing response from fear. At night I use ultrasonic, and if I get the urge to listen through the day I use ocean surf on headphones. Shannon has said it's best to stick to one format, but I have to do that because I don't want to expose others through the day, which isn't an issue at night.

I'm still working out how the autoconfig works, but generally with the newer programs if you get the urge to listen more then go for it. Shannon can expand better than I can on this though.

[Benjamin]

This is strange, on LTU conflict was minimized.. on OF it almost seems to be bringing more conflict on.

Went down the street and seen a friend in the supermarket. I notice when i'm around a friend who is more open that it makes me open up a bit. Like he was saying hi to people and we were chatting to staff that served us and even other people talking to us and responding well.

So I see this as what I mentioned yesterday, something shifting around the fear that's creating a 'wall' between me and others.

But.. there's possibly the other side. Where usually I don't have many issues, it seems that partly this opening up that gets people talking to me positively more also possibly brings more conflict where I wouldn't have got it before because maybe I was a bit more 'invisible' before. This is just my theory so far.

At the other supermarket was chatting to the checkout woman, she was all happy and some dude in the line seemed upset and just started having a go at us. I really had no urge at all to cater to this person and I was very direct, and just gave it back to him as he was instantly being a massive dickhead. In the end just got my money and left.

And we sat down somewhere after that and even still seemed to draw people in, some guy come slowly past us going somewhere for a cigarette like he was wanting to chat and talked to him briefly.

Actually i've just realized now that this kind of thing is exactly what has shut me down in the past. First sometimes say on DMSI i'd start getting more attention and even though I want it fear would shut it down and i'd close off.

But then there's also the thing where in the past i've been feeling confident, open, magnetic, people talking to me and such and then suddenly somebody would have a go at me. This has happened a few times over the years, it's like it triggers something in idiots and makes them attack you, because we were not projecting any kind of bad energy, everyone we talked to was happy and smiling and happy to talk to us.. then suddenly this idiot appears.

It's almost like they hate themselves so much that they see somebody happy and social and want to attack them for doing so and find another reason to do so.

After these situations I tend to open up more temporarily and feel like something has been purged when I give it back to these people.. then usually fear comes in after that and makes me shut down more. I hope with OF to avoid the second 'shutdown' part happening, and to get to a point of opening up and having these good interactions in people without attracting the conflict.

It reminds me of something on AM a few years ago that i've noticed and Shannon has talked about. Sometimes you're getting a bit of a shift and starting to 'communicate' something different in your manner but you're not totally comfortable with it, so some people might attack you for it until you adjust to it.

Is it also possible that certain people are triggered to become irrational when around somebody who has alot less fear than they do?

I have a fear of this happening again, and when it has in the past it's made me stay home more. So I also hope to get over that fear and be like 'If it happens it happens'. But I feel as i'm more comfortable with what OF is doing that it will lessen, I hope.

[Benjamin]

Between adding some hybrid loops and doing a liver flush i'm finding it hard to think today.

Interactions with people are slightly different in a good way. Even around friends a few days ago felt a bit more connected and not as stuck on one thing and enjoying myself more.

I've noticed going into some stores staff saying hi in an obvious way, on sunday it was so pronounced with one guy that I was even a little like 'what's going on'. As soon as I walked in the door he was like 'how's it going' really loudly and then was all happy to chat when I went through the checkout.

In the same shop a few days before a girl working smiled and I went and chatted briefly, which isn't something i've really done for a while.

Earlier today I kind of felt like getting into arguments, not necessarily starting them but sharing some opinions in a place I usually wouldn't where it might be controversial. Now tonight maybe after listening to a few hybrid loops I really don't feel like arguing and it's like I don't even have the energy to do so and I even went and deleted the posts. Like earlier not really caring about what they think, and now suddenly being much more sensitive to that.

The last 2 days i've had interest from much more attractive women on dating sites. Well just matched with 1 on bumble and 1 liked me on POF.. but noticably more attractive than usual. Last night it seemed all good, then suddenly after the second message she doesn't reply and I was getting annoyed at it. But it's also partly like I don't have the energy to get as annoyed as I would have in the past.

Another thing that I find interesting, though can't explain it is that i've been having the urge to listen to music I used to be into, well I still am into grunge type stuff but don't listen to it as much at my computer. Usually i'm listening to chillout at my computer or when working. I did mention this in an earlier post where I was listening to some aggressive music, now the last few days it's been other music like Alanis Morisette.

Maybe a few other things, but finding it hard to think right now. OF continues to be alot more subtle than most programs and I notice more of it when I go out somewhere though it's still pretty subtle.

Also notice i'm getting annoyed at weird inconsistencies with people. Like the woman on POF suddenly not answering again after liking me, or a woman today when I was in the supermarket getting served who I used to work with walking past and happily and enthusiastically saying "hi, I haven't seen you for ages" and I was like "hey, what have you been doing?" which was the first thing to come to mind and I turned around to talk and she just goes 'same old' and kept walking.

[Benjamin]

After Shannon's post today i'm not sure what I should do with my listening.

Starting off with what you end up using is a very bad idea with this particular program.  It's like trying to accelerate a train from 0 to 100 MPH instantly.  You need time to get used to the program initially, and let it work you up to needing and benefiting from more loops.

Autoconfig kicked in pretty quickly so I went to the 6 loops and have been doing that at nights since until I get the urge to take a night off. Some days i've been doing 1 or 2 hybrid ocean surf loops. It seems adding the hybrid loops makes me need to take a night off sooner, the first time I did 6 nights on, now adding hybrid I did 3 nights on and took last night off.

I don't really know what i'm feeling, in alot of ways OF V3 feels like i'm listening to nothing. But then despite that when I go out I do notice the evidence of less fear like people saying hi to me and differences in interactions. But it's very subtle and it doesn't feel as obvious like on past programs that 'Oh yeah it's the program doing it'.

So either that's a testimonial to the latest technology in that it feels natural, or i'm listening too much. I can't say it feels overwhelming like the quote above would suggest but i'm wondering whether to continue or to reset the listening starting with the initial instructions again and increase slower?

The autoconfig doesn't seem as obvious now, last night there was part of me that wanted to listen, but then the part that didn't was slightly stronger and was more like 'I don't even have the energy to do so'. Which could either be resistance or telling me that I need a night off, i'm not totally sure.

More weirdness with women on dating sites. Another one that's more attractive than usual messaged me and then didn't answer back. I was thinking about it and it can't be my responses cos the times I answered I had less fear and they come from a good place.. I think it's the internal response I get after that, when I start thinking "oh this is too good, usually women that attractive don't message me, I hope it works out" and getting needy, imagining being in a relationship with them and such.. of course logically I know this is stupid, that I don't even know them so why should I be imagining this, nor does it make sense.

But emotionally the pattern kicks in.. and somehow that 'energy' then stops them from replying. I've had similar in the past when i've gone on dates that have gone well, then this neediness and insecurity has kicked in and it's suddenly derailed the whole thing like they can somehow read it or feel it even if there's nothing odd in my replies to their messages.

Though in saying the above, something did 'break through' last night in a good way.. so maybe this listening pattern is fine. I don't really want to go into details yet. I even hesitated to write this because there seems to be some weird thing like 'If I mention it then it somehow disrupts it'.

[Benjamin]

I took a 3rd night off because I felt like I really needed it, which is the longest rest i've had so far since starting. I had a dream last night with a snake in it and woke up feeling a fear of snakes.. so no question what that was working on cos I hate snakes.

I hate this 'snapback' kind of effect, I guess it's similar to the tidal effect.

Last night I was feeling really good, feeling like I look good, that today i'm going to go and hang out with friends and it will be really good and would be doing stuff half the day and enjoying it, feeling like things are okay.

Yeah last night some sabotage come up and it kind of 'snapped back' and today i'm feeling insecure, pretty down, almost feeling like I don't want to leave the house but I still will cos I know it'll be okay.

Plus I looked at some things this morning that really brought me down and triggered fear, reading too much fear based or media stuff can do that and the days I look at less of it I feel better. It doesn't start off the morning in a good place if I look at it early on.

Feeling light headed and alot of sadness coming up. I know i'll feel better when I go out somewhere in the sun.

I'm also suspecting some resistance, because thinking about it right now I don't want to listen tonight either. But after 3 nights off and how i'm feeling, it seems like it's resistance in this case.

[Benjamin]

This morning before going out I was thinking about this girl that was coming along today who i've only met once. And I was going to put some condoms in my wallet.. which made me realize that the times i've done that in recent times it basically shuts me down and makes me feel more anxious around attractive girls, whereas if they aren't there it's like the pressure is off and i'm more relaxed. Definately fear related.

I decided I was going to confront that and thought 'well if (different things I fear) happens so be it'. But I forgot until I was driving, oh well.

Talked to her a bit, but something just felt off. When they were leaving my mate was like 'anyone wanna keep hanging out' and I was up for it, and he asked her, though her mum was there too which is fine she could have come too.. and they said they were shopping but when we said we could come along not much of a response. So looks like this one won't go anywhere.

Went for a walk with my friend, and there was a family sitting there on the grass, the daughter (I assume) were sitting in the back of a ute and one was staring and smiling and I said "how's it going?' then when we walked back past there 2 of them were sitting in there both staring at us. I had a feeling of 'ok this isn't usually what happens to me'.. but I hope that this increases in general.

Went to the supermarket and I noticed I was feeling pretty good and had a bit of a subtle swagger in my walk which happens sometimes, hopefully starts to happen more as I listen to OF more.. and I had a realization that I told my friend.

Especially in recent times with all the bs going on, it seems almost everyone walking around is more timid.. and this become even more obvious today when I was feeling strong in myself.. and since starting OF some of the blinders have come off as I had started to just go down the street and basically ignore everyone else.. and now less of that and observing them, i'm seeing some funny reactions from some of them when i'm feeling comfortable.. it's almost as if this is unusual to them right now and they think everyone needs to be walking around scared.. which isn't benefitting anyone.

I also decided to not goto self serve checkouts and make a point to get served by the staff even if I have to wait a bit.. as i've become more antisocial in the last year or so and talked to staff less. My other friend inspired me to do this when we went to the supermarket last. The girl that served me I mainly asked how the day is going, but felt a little uncomfortable with much else for some reason. But it's better than just reflexively going through the self serve.

Noticed giving a bit less of a fuck what people thought of me when walking around too.

Again tonight I don't feel like listening, but i've decided it's likely resistance as i've already had 3 nights off so I will listen tonight when I goto bed.

I'm in a bit of a mood where i'm watching Dazed and Confused (from the early 90s, never seen it before) and thinking "man there seemed to be way less bs going on back then" and wishing I could go back in time.