Counting Sheep - Overcoming Fear v.4

[Ampersnd]

Day 1,

Yo.
After about 10 days off from DMSI, I ran OF v.4 for the first time yesterday.
Feeling a bit 'meh' today.

Last Sunday, I started applying for jobs.
Turns out, I got a job interview for a company in town in a web stack that I'm not familiar with (C#/.NET/ASP), and so I'm spending my weekend learning the stack as much as I can, perhaps creating a guided project.

This interview came from a friend of a friend; I passed along my resume on their good word. They reached out about this position. In the spirit of transparency, I told them that I don't know that stack (nothing in my resume would suggest that, either). The person who called read 'API' and thought she read 'ASP'.

Anyways, doing this learning project will serve me well, as I'll legitimately have something new to round out my resume.

[4Kingdoms]

Last Sunday, I started applying for jobs.
Turns out, I got a job interview for a company in town in a web stack that I'm not familiar with (C#/.NET/ASP), and so I'm spending my weekend learning the stack as much as I can, perhaps creating a guided project.

This interview came from a friend of a friend; I passed along my resume on their good word. They reached out about this position. In the spirit of transparency, I told them that I don't know that stack (nothing in my resume would suggest that, either). The person who called read 'API' and thought she read 'ASP'.

Anyways, doing this learning project will serve me well, as I'll legitimately have something new to round out my resume.

Lately, I've been coming across similar stories in life and on the internet.
Taking this leap of faith to learn something new is the proverbial fork in the road that leads them to bigger and better things in life.

[Ampersnd]

Feeling moody and a bit deflated. Distractable. Demotivated.
I already want to run the sub more than once every 4 days.
Is there any harm in doing another set tomorrow?

[Shannon]

That depends on why you want to run it again. Is it a subconscious guidance, or a conscious desire?

[Ampersnd]

That depends on why you want to run it again.  Is it a subconscious guidance, or a conscious desire?

Not sure how I would differentiate the two.
It's an inner nudge that I could be wiping out so much more junk if I started up again sooner.

Also, great to see you back at it.

[Shannon]

That depends on why you want to run it again.  Is it a subconscious guidance, or a conscious desire?

Not sure how I would differentiate the two.
It's an inner nudge that I could be wiping out so much more junk if I started up again sooner.

Also, great to see you back at it.

Thank you.  I'm going to start off slow and ramp up as I feel ready.

An inner nudge seems like AutoConfig, so that would be something I would follow.

[Ampersnd]

Day 2,

I jumped the gun and ran two more loops yesterday on the hunch that it would help.
Woke up after 9.5 hours. Feel much more motivated and willing to tackle the major 'improvement tasks', not just the maintenance stuff.

Fortunately, I get an extra day off tomorrow to rest and re-assess what I need to be doing. Ideally, I'm studying and coding as much as possible.

Edit: 8:14 PM.
Felt that feeling as though I was in the passenger seat of a car, with the driver going too fast. I briefly wanted to 'slow down' and not feel that stress.
Then, I realized that this is a good thing.

[Ampersnd]

Day 3,

Feeling as motivated an energized as a loose noodle.
It's possible that a lot of my activity is based on a foundation of fear.
"Better exercise or you'll become fat and ugly"
"Better make money so that you won't become homeless"
"Better stay young or you'll never attract the ladies"

My sense is that my fears of these things have been reduced a bit, but not my fears regarding the success.
And so, I'm feeling a bit 'meh'; no drive to do achieve the goals that I want.
Doing the easy practices, such as guitar practice and a few other things.

Other fears that I've recently realized have ruled my life:
- Fear of women knowing that I like them, especially women who already know that they're attractive. In some weird reverse psychology shit, I assume that my lack of interest will pique their interest. In short, I turn it into a game.
- Fear of joining and staying in groups; I've done some variation of the lone wolf thing for my life. Often played on the jungle gym while my friends did other things. I'd sometimes join up with them, but there'd be a distinct separateness.
- Fear of competition; I remember having a panic attack at the concept of a piano competition when I was single-digits in age. I've since avoided challenging myself and spared myself the inner growth.

My inner hunch keeps telling me to run loops of OF day after day.

[Ampersnd]

Day 5,

Fuck, dude. (in a good way, but not a great way).

To start, I've been feeling at least a bit anxious through most of today. While talking with patients or their family members, I felt awkward and not secure in myself.

I also adjusted a type of goals list that I've used in a half-assed way.
It comes from the book/audiobook 'It Works!'

The core of it is to write and carry around a list of things you would like to have. Check the list three times daily, and think about the items on your list. I add a brief visualization for these points throughout my day and feel as though I've achieved them.

What I did differently; instead of writing out the absolute end state of something - EXAMPLE: I'm a deca-millionaire who speaks ten languages and fucks 10 Victoria Secret's models a day - I figured that I would list out my goals as fun milestones that my unconscious would not fight.
Things that are a bit 'out there' but not so unrealistic that I have to fight with myself to visualize it.

Here's how I arranged it:
30 days: cool things, but not outrageous
90 days: Things that would happen once a year to once every five years.
120 days: Once a decade goals (down payment, new car)

I'll adjust as needed, but it's all about creating what my mind will allow.
ANYWAYS, my 30 day goals include:
- Getting hired in tech; (I once got hired in 7 days after making that decision)
- Finishing a C# / ASP.NET project
- Finishing a digital project
AND...
... A hot blonde with big tits letting me fuck her tits.

I've done titty fucking on a couple of occasions, and it was always awesome.
The problem is that I can never find women with big enough tits to try it.

And so, as a man of his word, I would visualize myself with big luscious soft bosoms wrapping themselves around my member, with blonde hair bouncing, its tits grazing my abdomen from the motions; I would hold this image in my head a few times per day.  

So I'm shopping in Walmart, and I'm on my way out.
And I see this good looking blonde woman - coordinating yoga outfit, low cut shirt, and nice big (fake) tits.

When I tell you that I wanted to shoot my shot, I really did.

But I had the reverse issue from how I normally go about approaching:
Normally, my body wants me to approach, and my mind fights me about timing, or people around that could hear; eventually, I pick the right time and introduce myself.

This time, I became super anxious and nervous.
My mind was thinking "you've got to do this!", and I was psyching myself up, but then I looked at her hand, reaching for produce, and I thought(?) that I saw some kind of ring on her hand.

Then my mind went "nah, it's good, nevermind".
I'm kicking myself.

Feels like some sort of sign. Still feel crazy anxious and regretful about it.
I'm running loops of OF as we speak.

Next time, I'm pouncing.
Sorry guys if my story was underwhelming.

It Works (Audiobook): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOZbtlbjR1U
Extra advice to making it work for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-WRu5tGsOA

[Ampersnd]

Day 8,

Not exactly keeping up with the cycles and the number of loops, but doing more than what's recommended.

My C#/.NET project keeps crashing. I'm losing days of progress by having to back-track.
My laptop's been slowing down, so I either have to reformat it or buy a new one. It's a T440s Lenovo Thinkpad, which I think comes from 2014. I obtained it in 2020.

I have a second interview for a tech company tomorrow at 3 PM. I have a tough time knowing how I'll do if I can't make meaningful progress on my project.

Had an unproductive day today; first one in quite a long time. Did a lot of fruitful guitar practice, but nothing on the tech side of things.

Lost my usual intense desire to do a lot of things. Resistance, maybe?
Focusing on my goals/manifestations list gives me positive feelings.
Did my workout without issue; not sure what the problem is.

[Ampersnd]

Day 9 / 210,

Had a flat affect today. Not much enthusiasm, but still motivated.
Brought my laptop to get fixed.

Had a second interview; it actually went pretty well.
Have good feelings about it. If not, I'll keep working on the C#/.NET project, and more, then send out another batch of resumes.

[Ampersnd]

Day 14 / 210,

Got the official offer for the C#/.NET position on Wednesday, verbally accepted on Thursday, signed the offer on Friday and gave my two weeks.

Lower salary than my current line of work, but this is tech we're talking about!
I'll tough it out for 6-9 months for experience, then will potentially look for the next opportunity.

No more having to cram all of my tech learning at night! Learn on the job, baby!

[Ampersnd]

Day 15 / 210,

For most of the day today, I have been productive, but I have this strange sensation of stress and tension across my back.
Made sure to relax a bit and get some sunlight.

It's as though I have the irresistible pull towards my goals, but these shards of glass that I have to go through. It hurts, but I have no choice but to move forward.

[Ampersnd]

Day 16 / 210,

Got a set of weird dreams throughout the night.

Dream #1 - I was at my mom's parent's house (both have been deceased for over 12 years). I left my wool sweater downstairs - a finished basement. This sweater belonged to my grandfather - dad's dad - before he passed. I go downstairs to pick it up; as I do, a bunch of rats scurry away from it. They aren't attacking; I don't feel fear, but I get very grossed out. The rest of my dream involved figuring out traps and ways to remove the rats. The upstairs didn't have any rats.

Dream #2 - Me and 3-4 associates are in a banquet hall. My associates make something controversial happen - can't recall - and we leave the hall and enter a large bedroom which we lock behind us. People are knocking at the door and trying to break it. We're locked inside with no place to go.

I feel like my ass is cooked; going to prison or whatever. I try the windows and look to slide the panes of glass; they all move! I manage to slide through - a bit of a squeeze - and... the dream ends there.

For both dream, I wake up, and my mind is racing, trying to find solutions while awake. I eventually settle back down and get back to sleep. Got about nine hours of sleep.