06-17-2021, 12:03 PM
Day 26 continued
The pain is hitting pretty hard today. I don’t know if it’s the weather cycle, the sub cycle, the fact that I forgot to take the lavender pill last night, or just my emotions shifting for no reason.
I’ve been quite aware of my exhaustion of pushing to make things happen. There’s a thing that I’m doing with three other people, and everyone says that they want it to happen, but I’m the only one pushing to find a time that works for everyone. Yesterday I found some energy to push for some answers for some apartment work that I need to do, but it’s exhausting constantly pushing hard.
I mentioned this to my healer yesterday and he asked what the opposite of pushing would feel like. There’s one kind of opposite, mentioned by the folks who talk about manifesting, where you’re supposed to be able to switch from manifesting by pushing with your mind to manifesting by contacting your inner voice and flowing with the universe. That’s not happening with me. For me, if I don’t push, I don’t get up in the morning. Literally every morning, I have to push hard to get myself out of bed, and after I brush my teeth, push myself to take a shower, and keep pushing. I feel lucky if I have enough energy to push myself any further after I get to work. The pain in my chest feels like an overwhelming headwind. I have to push and push and push to get the simplest things done.
I’m also thinking about this because I have a date scheduled for Saturday. A girl who matched with me on an app. That’s rare. App dating has that same pushing exhaustion. I have to push through sending hundreds of likes with messages to get one match, then push with matches to get a conversation going, then push to get a meetup, then push to remind them to show up, only to have every in-person meeting end with a sense that they’re not feeling a vibe. It’s exhausting, but it feels like I don’t have a choice here. That’s why DMSI pulled me into the sub world, since the idea that it might cause women to take initiative so that I wouldn’t have to be constantly pushing was so appealing.
I’m still here after DMSI failed to have an effect on me, but the conflict inside of me still rages, the conflict between the hope that someday the pain will be gone and that the universe will meet me halfway with people and women who express that they want me around, and friends who reach out and make an effort, and family who calls me rather than me constantly having to be the one reaching out vs the reality of having to having to push, keep pushing, keep going, keep going knowing that if I ever take a break, I will end up curled up in bed, overwhelmed with pain, unable to get up.
The pain is hitting pretty hard today. I don’t know if it’s the weather cycle, the sub cycle, the fact that I forgot to take the lavender pill last night, or just my emotions shifting for no reason.
I’ve been quite aware of my exhaustion of pushing to make things happen. There’s a thing that I’m doing with three other people, and everyone says that they want it to happen, but I’m the only one pushing to find a time that works for everyone. Yesterday I found some energy to push for some answers for some apartment work that I need to do, but it’s exhausting constantly pushing hard.
I mentioned this to my healer yesterday and he asked what the opposite of pushing would feel like. There’s one kind of opposite, mentioned by the folks who talk about manifesting, where you’re supposed to be able to switch from manifesting by pushing with your mind to manifesting by contacting your inner voice and flowing with the universe. That’s not happening with me. For me, if I don’t push, I don’t get up in the morning. Literally every morning, I have to push hard to get myself out of bed, and after I brush my teeth, push myself to take a shower, and keep pushing. I feel lucky if I have enough energy to push myself any further after I get to work. The pain in my chest feels like an overwhelming headwind. I have to push and push and push to get the simplest things done.
I’m also thinking about this because I have a date scheduled for Saturday. A girl who matched with me on an app. That’s rare. App dating has that same pushing exhaustion. I have to push through sending hundreds of likes with messages to get one match, then push with matches to get a conversation going, then push to get a meetup, then push to remind them to show up, only to have every in-person meeting end with a sense that they’re not feeling a vibe. It’s exhausting, but it feels like I don’t have a choice here. That’s why DMSI pulled me into the sub world, since the idea that it might cause women to take initiative so that I wouldn’t have to be constantly pushing was so appealing.
I’m still here after DMSI failed to have an effect on me, but the conflict inside of me still rages, the conflict between the hope that someday the pain will be gone and that the universe will meet me halfway with people and women who express that they want me around, and friends who reach out and make an effort, and family who calls me rather than me constantly having to be the one reaching out vs the reality of having to having to push, keep pushing, keep going, keep going knowing that if I ever take a break, I will end up curled up in bed, overwhelmed with pain, unable to get up.
I share the details of my life in my posts to help in the understanding of the effects of the subliminals I use. I am only open to advice that relates to the use of the subliminals.
