10-02-2020, 02:29 PM
So it's been two weeks since my last post.
Based on others' behavior (and my own), I've arrived at an unexpected and indirect observation. From what I can tell, I seem just as (or, possibly, even more) fearful while on OF, not less, but, interestingly, this detail appears to be hidden from me during days when I'm actively listening.
Haven't felt free or fearless on OF. Instead, I seem to feel fear-conscious-but-fear-oblivious on listening days and fear-affected on non-listening days. And, yeah, the first one sounds completely self-contradictory, so I'll explain: On listening days, I'm aware of when I'm experiencing a fearful situation or stimulus, I'm illogically convinced that I'm mostly calm and relaxed, and, yet, somehow, everybody else reacts as if I'm responding with a great deal of fear.
Rather than removing fear from the situation, it's as if I've removed the self-awareness that I'm feeling fear from the situation. While still outwardly exhibiting all of the signs of the fear that I'm unaware of feeling. Maybe more so, because I'm unaware that I'm feeling it and/or because I'm digging at a fear unrelated to the situation, so I'm not filtering any public expression of it out, as I normally would. So I might seem more scared than usual because I'm unaware of when I'm feeling it, making it harder to mute/hide it. And I might seem calmer to others on off-days, if I'm more self-aware of my fear and better able to mute/hide it.
It's disconcerting to feel less of something than usual while everyone else in the room thinks that I'm feeling more of it. In a way, it makes me feel like either my self-awareness, my internal communication, or my body language is broken. And I wouldn't even be aware of this discrepancy if not for others' reactions to their perceptions of me. I'd never have noticed this if I were on my own.
Now, it's easily arguable that I've drawn the incorrect conclusion from the evidence available. And I really hope that I have. An obvious alternative explanation is that my conscious mind or outer self is calm, but my body language is simply expressing the degree of fear that my subconscious or inner self is feeling, displaying more fear when actively encouraged to fight fears and less fear when the pressure to do so has ceased.
Another perfectly reasonable conclusion is that I'm just in denial of fearful responses on listening days, which is an odd thing to self-deny unless I'm trying to fake out OF's scripting by insisting that the fear isn't there to remove. (Even though I'm confirming, not denying, the fear that others have observed in me.) Or, possibly, if my interpretation of OF scripting was that internal denial of the fear is an early step (for me, at least, not necessarily anyone else) in removing it.
I could list other possibilities as well, including another that just popped into my head, but I don't have enough information to be certain of any one conclusion.
Whatever it may be, I don't want to fall into the popular trap of drawing a single hasty conclusion (and then swearing unearned loyalty to it and defending it until the end of time) simply because I'm too lazy (or too uncomfortable with letting something remain undefined) to be thorough or creative about the existence of other equally valid conclusions, including those that, thanks to my own limitations, will never occur to me. But, whatever the actual cause and effect may be, it's still an odd sensation, to keep seesawing between feeling calmer than I seem and seeming calmer than I feel, and it seemed worthy of a mention. Whether I'm expressing fear or not, I'm usually far more congruent than this.
Based on others' behavior (and my own), I've arrived at an unexpected and indirect observation. From what I can tell, I seem just as (or, possibly, even more) fearful while on OF, not less, but, interestingly, this detail appears to be hidden from me during days when I'm actively listening.
Haven't felt free or fearless on OF. Instead, I seem to feel fear-conscious-but-fear-oblivious on listening days and fear-affected on non-listening days. And, yeah, the first one sounds completely self-contradictory, so I'll explain: On listening days, I'm aware of when I'm experiencing a fearful situation or stimulus, I'm illogically convinced that I'm mostly calm and relaxed, and, yet, somehow, everybody else reacts as if I'm responding with a great deal of fear.
Rather than removing fear from the situation, it's as if I've removed the self-awareness that I'm feeling fear from the situation. While still outwardly exhibiting all of the signs of the fear that I'm unaware of feeling. Maybe more so, because I'm unaware that I'm feeling it and/or because I'm digging at a fear unrelated to the situation, so I'm not filtering any public expression of it out, as I normally would. So I might seem more scared than usual because I'm unaware of when I'm feeling it, making it harder to mute/hide it. And I might seem calmer to others on off-days, if I'm more self-aware of my fear and better able to mute/hide it.
It's disconcerting to feel less of something than usual while everyone else in the room thinks that I'm feeling more of it. In a way, it makes me feel like either my self-awareness, my internal communication, or my body language is broken. And I wouldn't even be aware of this discrepancy if not for others' reactions to their perceptions of me. I'd never have noticed this if I were on my own.
Now, it's easily arguable that I've drawn the incorrect conclusion from the evidence available. And I really hope that I have. An obvious alternative explanation is that my conscious mind or outer self is calm, but my body language is simply expressing the degree of fear that my subconscious or inner self is feeling, displaying more fear when actively encouraged to fight fears and less fear when the pressure to do so has ceased.
Another perfectly reasonable conclusion is that I'm just in denial of fearful responses on listening days, which is an odd thing to self-deny unless I'm trying to fake out OF's scripting by insisting that the fear isn't there to remove. (Even though I'm confirming, not denying, the fear that others have observed in me.) Or, possibly, if my interpretation of OF scripting was that internal denial of the fear is an early step (for me, at least, not necessarily anyone else) in removing it.
I could list other possibilities as well, including another that just popped into my head, but I don't have enough information to be certain of any one conclusion.
Whatever it may be, I don't want to fall into the popular trap of drawing a single hasty conclusion (and then swearing unearned loyalty to it and defending it until the end of time) simply because I'm too lazy (or too uncomfortable with letting something remain undefined) to be thorough or creative about the existence of other equally valid conclusions, including those that, thanks to my own limitations, will never occur to me. But, whatever the actual cause and effect may be, it's still an odd sensation, to keep seesawing between feeling calmer than I seem and seeming calmer than I feel, and it seemed worthy of a mention. Whether I'm expressing fear or not, I'm usually far more congruent than this.
