1. MHS had been my only sub for all of 2020. I'm a patient guy, but, sometimes, it takes more than one tool to complete the job.
   
2. While not necessarily the case, my long-standing health issue could feasibly involve an anxiety-based component or two.
   
3. There could be an irrational excuse for me to have resisted some of the healing that MHS had been encouraging me to achieve, and, IIRC, MHS has no FRM.
   
4. The adjustments made during MHS may take time to prove/disprove themselves, evolve, and grow. Listening may have stopped, but correcting lifelong mistakes hasn't. And those corrections could take time to demonstrate their full benefit.
   

1. I'm unpracticed (and, therefore, inefficient) at multi-tasking. Much of the world greedily tackles 20 things at once and completes 0-10, whereas I tackle 1, complete 1, and move onto the next. Fewer attempts, but lots of completions per attempt, and the shorter that the pulsed burst is, the faster that I am at making progress off of the previous accomplishments. Can I do it differently? Sure, being serial about things doesn't have to be an identity, but, as far as I'm aware, people tend to be better at the things that they practice. I see it a bit like asking non-driver to learn to drive (and, presumably, get a license and buy/insure a car) so that they can travel to your house; it's within the realm of possibility, but it's not the fastest (or cheapest) way for them to get there.
   
   More to the point, processing input (download/extract/read/comprehend/execute) is a series of stages, and, in my version of one-thing-at-a-time-land, focusing on download gives very little focus to the other steps. Sub breaks provide me time to focus on those other steps. I actually greatly enjoy the read and comprehend stages. Automatic writing takes over, and it's like, through typing, my subconscious is teaching my conscious a sub-inspired class through (very literal) dictation. The outer me enjoys the process of reading letters from (and asking questions of) the inner me(s), and the inner me(s) love the respect and attention of being heard by (and getting to respond to) the outer me. It's surreal, but it's also very enjoyable at multiple levels of consciousness. But... that conversation doesn't happen when I'm busy listening to subs. At least, not overtly. Not when I'm awake.
   
   
2. Thanks to my work environment/conditioning, my Pavlovian response to any request of me is like a two-step firewall procedure. First, I deny, then I allow. If asked to do something, my instinctive reaction is: "Wait. Let's back up. You asked me to do X, but, really, you want Y to happen. Tell me what Y is, and I'll see what I can do to help you find success. I'll riff on it for a bit, find sustainable and equitable win-wins, and the end result might be even more satisfying than X would've been. And, if, by the end, X is still our best bet, we'll go with X." Sub breaks allow me the time and space to riff on what the sub was encouraging me to do. I'm a logical guy, but I'm creative too. I can take a tiny bit of something and run pretty far with it, if given the latitude to do so.
   

myth's Offline Journal Privately (Until Now) Wrote:Frustration has resulted from someone conflating humility with irresponsibility. From what I can tell, they're equating bragging, complaining, and nagging  others with transparency and active participation, and, to them, if I'm not broadcasting my contributions or ordering others around, I must not be participating at all. The implication appears to be that, unless I make a mountain of every molehill, I'm either failing to pull my own weight, trying to hide something, or letting the moles take over. My own counter-reasoning is that I get far more accomplished (including things that others don't need to do for me) if I leave the transparency to when I'm actually asked a real question.

Would it be more appropriate for me to brag, complain, and nag... or for them to ask instead of assuming? For me, the value is that the accomplishment got done, not whether or not I get credit for doing it. If something's askew enough to cause concern, I'm tempted to adjust it correctively. No need for glory, recognition, gratitude (except maybe self-gratitude), whatever -- just the benefit of a problem ceasing to be problematic. I'll accept ownership over my own work, sure, but life's mundanities need accomplishment more than they need attribution.

I see no great need to 1) sign all of my work after completion and wait for a thank-you note, or, at the other extreme, 2) leave problems uncorrected with an accompanying complaint card. #1 seems like the actions of someone seeking attention, validation, and/or reward for their effort, attaching strings to generosity (I'll scratch your back, but only if you... etc) and giving the "hero" incentive to orchestrate problems that they can later solve in exchange for accolade currency. #2, on the other hand, seems unproductive, accusatory, and blindly aimed, implicitly asserting that the problem is better left unrepaired unless the problem's creator corrects it personally.

While I admit that the problem's creator learns less without taking responsibility for their actions, is it really better for the entire crew to drown in the sinking ship than to wait for the person who created the problem to own up to their mistake and fix it? Especially given that causing the problem is often at inverse proportions to one's competency at solving it? If my car breaks down because I'm a terrible automobile operator, is the rest of the road safer if I do the repair (because I directly or indirectly caused it) or if someone qualified does the repair?

But what's getting my goat is where else others demand accountability -- not for having caused the problem, but for having acted to correct it. Which doesn't even have the argument of a lesson learned to support it. And the complaint isn't over work quality, just the absent reporting. The "pics, or it didn't happen" thinking is (IMHO) painfully strong with so many people, and there's an encroaching belief that publicized progress is implicitly required, unsolicited, like mandatory incremental narration. Which, when applied to something like this, seems to be little more than saying: "Look what I did! Look what I did!" There's a difference between wanting proof that a good thing got done (Hooray!) and wanting proof that I was the one responsible for the good thing (Who cares that I did it, as long as everyone's happier for it being done?).

My difficulty embracing this achievement-advertizing behavior is that I'm not a 3-year-old. I find this irritating enough in a socially agreed-upon format, as in job applications, but job postings at least have the decency to ask what you've done before making uninformed assumptions about the answers. In the case of unspoken "Are you pulling your own weight around here?" questions that keep coming up, they're not even taking the time to ask the question. It's essentially "I don't trust you, and you haven't shown off your work, groaned about doing it, or even passed the buck to someone who didn't want it, so you must not be doing anything/as much as everyone else is. I could ask the questions that I want answered, but, instead, I'll continue to make assumptions until you answer what I've never asked."

The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but, in this case, it's as if the silent wheel is being criticized and distrusted for not squeaking enough. As if the only possible reason that a wheel doesn't squeak is because it's never turning. I like being invisible unless I choose to be visible.

If the person isn't doing the work for credit and would actively prefer to avoid the award ceremony, why force it on them? To misquote an X-Men crossover story that I'd read as 1985 became 1986, a gift isn't really a gift when it's not freely given, but it's also not really a gift when it isn't freely received. I don't want someone else's pride in my work; they weren't involved in doing it. I'll respectfully accept their gratitude, appreciation, and happiness in it being accomplished, if it's something that they wanted done, but their pride in my work is going a bit far. Conversely, if they're only seeking to assign credit as a means of checking up on me, out of distrust, for transparency, then whatever they're awarding me for my effort is, from my point of view, barely a reward at all.

Maybe this stems from school grading systems? Parents and teachers often make grades about whether the child did well on their own, not about what, as far as I can see, grades really signify: whether the teacher was able to impart information effectively to the student, with the nuances of its meaning and value intact, and gain positive confirmation of that information transfer through testing. In my view, however unpopular this view might be, the entire information transfer process is what got the grade, not solely the student. Of course, the quality of the transfer may not reflect the quality of the original information.

From my point of view, if the teacher failed to communicate effectively/the relationship was unideal, the grade indicates that the information failed to pass to the student with confirmation (homework, tests, etc), not that the student alone failed to pass muster. The grade was never about just me, so I never really associated the grade with pride in the student, just as a quality metric of the arbitrary juxtaposition between teacher, student, and curriculum. But that's merely my opinion. I'd anticipate that several parents and educators would strongly disagree, and they'd probably have valid arguments for doing so. But I still wonder if this is part of what conditioned the "each of us must be rewarded/punished (publicly, with pride/shame) for our work" line of thinking. Or if it's just an extension/symptom of the real cause.

Alternatively, maybe the lack of reporting makes them feel deprived of their directorial pride, if they demand something, find it complete, and don't know enough detail about the completion to confirm that they were really part of it? Possibly even considering it a loss of team pride or teamwork, somehow? Even so, if I were absent from the process other than "I want this done" desires, not even involved beyond the wishing-for-things stage,  I'd find it pretty cumbersome to find any team pride in that. I understand that teams often rely on coordination, but, if one teammate's missed their cue, isn't it OK for another (i.e. me) to sub in for them temporarily? Isn't that part of teamwork too?

Either way, I'm not looking for a pat on the head, for myself or as part of a team. Instead, I'm more motivated by an accomplishment's intrinsic value having been achieved (fulfilling its intended purpose) than by inspiring awe/complaint in others or a sense of accomplishment in myself. Even my creative works (music, writing, art, etc) were created out of appreciation/enjoyment of the work, its inspiration, and its result, of bringing the inside of me outside of me. But the blander tasks of life? They're probably worth even less audience opinion. Whether anyone grades my work in these areas is their own decision and, frankly, says at least as much (if not more) about their likes, dislikes, and priorities as it does about the quality of my work. The work  was never about soliciting approval from a fandom that it was never created to serve.

• My OF listening is not done during sleep.
  
• My sleep habits should support a parasympathetic state, so a sympathetic state (fight-or-flight) is actively being discouraged.
  
• Caffeine and processed sugar are nil and rare, respectively.
  
• I avoid high-conflict news, entertainment, or lifestyle (no interest).
  
• My dream self is usually more interested observer than active participant.
  

(12-14-2020, 05:09 PM)Shannon Wrote: It sounds like you may be performing a very advanced and intricate form of mental gymnastics at the subconscious level in order to delay and derail the program from working, which is unfortunate but not an unsurprising result for someone who is sufficiently intelligent and educated.  I of course could also be wrong.  If I am right, then I'll need to add some very advanced counter-scripting, which will no doubt take a while to figure out the "how" of..

I say, go for it with your own intuitive responses to how and when to use it.  See if that helps.

(12-15-2020, 04:41 PM)London1 Wrote: What is your current setup?

(12-17-2020, 09:13 PM)Shannon Wrote: You should definitely notice a difference between v1 and v2 of OF, given the advancements that have been made in how I do things since v1 was built.