A Sexy Alex, stage 2: DMSI Journal (now 3.3.2!)

[apollolux]

I am now choosing to stop listening to DMSI for the foreseeable future. Unless there is a new update to the program I don't plan to resume listening anytime soon. The stated design goal of DMSI has not been achieved so far in the 3+ years of listening exclusively to it.

My chief goal in listening to self-improvement attraction subs from IML has always been to reduce or eliminate the belief that money is a primary factor in what about me attracts or would attract beautiful, sexually attractive women to me sexually, and not only is that belief NOT reduced it seems to be strengthened, emphasized, solidified over time, and I am unhappy and disappointed about that. In the over three years of listening solely to DMSI women have entered or returned to my life who have only wanted to use me for their own selfish personal gains with no benefit to me, stringing me along with false promises and claiming to love me without any actions from them to back up that sentiment. I fully admit I am the one who made the decisions that eventually turned out badly to allow them into my life with the expectation that they back up their words with their actions, assuming either naively, ignorantly, stubbornly, foolishly, or some combination of those, that they were acting in good faith, I could allow myself to take their words at face value, and that if I said for them to "prove it" after they said something I thought particularly suspicious that they would willingly do so, willingly "prove it." In all cases these expectations, while I thought reasonable, were not satisfied, I felt used and in some cases betrayed, and mostly out of anger and distrust cast them out of my life for better or worse.

From September of 2015 all the way until January of this year, 2020, tapering off the last few refills until the beginning of June, I took prescription antidepressants originally under the assumption that I was at "my last resort" regarding the limited amount of mental and emotional strength, willpower, etc I thought or felt I had available to me at the time to "brute force my way" through a severe depression I had originally associated with the beliefs "pretty girls don't find me sexually attractive" and the related "pretty girls only want me around to use me" and "pretty girls only want to use me without giving me the benefits and rewards I thought or assumed I deserved." At the core of this negative association was likely low self-esteem even though I genuinely thought that over the years prior I was putting in genuine effort to be a "good" guy rather than a "nice" guy, to be "better," to be "badass," to be "worthy" and "worth having," ultimately to be a real and genuine "hero" for whatever that concept is worth, almost certainly because I was under the assumption, however correct or incorrect, that these efforts would lead to "increasing my value" and "being or becoming a true alpha male" with my pick of beautiful, sexually attractive women who would therefore be attracted to me, feeling I put in the effort therefore I deserve the rewards. "The hero gets the girl" is, to my knowledge, the only "Disney relationship concept" that I still genuinely believe to be true, an idea promoted throughout literal millennia across recorded human existence transcending political and religious boundaries, and I feel a good summary of what encompasses the desirable characteristics of a genuinely attractive, sexually desirable alpha male. What I had always cited as "the final straw" that led me to actually consider medication was a woman I was physically attracted to and I had believed at the time was a genuinely caring good friend calling me a hateful person and my eventual post-shock reaction to that and eventual feelings of inadequacy and betrayal.

At the time of this writing, Aug 7, 2020, it has been two months since I officially stopped taking the prescription antidepressants and most if not all of the emotional range that was stunted because of them has returned, for better or worse. The overwhelming majority of the emotion I have felt while taking these meds, and in particular the emotion I have felt the most and the most strongly since stopping them, has been and continues to be anger, with frustration being a very close second. The primary source of this anger and frustration is the belief that whatever I do to improve, to be better, to be "badass," to be desirable, to be sexually attractive is "not good enough" to satisfy the women I want, that even when I genuinely was, am, and/or will be "the hero" I still don't "get the girl." I had, very mistakenly it turns out, also believed that the efforts I was putting forth to being better, to being "the hero," were still in a good direction, if not explicitly the "most right" direction, to being "good enough" for these women who up until this point were not telling me or showing me that this direction was incorrect, even claiming they "love" me and as I mentioned previously willing to "prove it" when I doubted their sincerity. I knew objectively the meds were masking the real problems, limiting the emotional range I had available to command lopsidedly, narrowing positive more extremely than negative was narrowed. What I genuinely didn't know was what the problems actually were and how to overcome them, solve them, resolve them, and I did not realize until recently that stopping the meds did not make the problems go away nor did it make accurately and properly identifying them easier.

For a very long time I had genuinely believed that not only was I active in my self-improvement efforts, but also that these efforts were actually working positively. I was under the false impression that "no negative feedback" from other people, especially women I desired sexually, only meant "stay the course, I'm headed in the right direction." Instead, what it looks like to me is that my situation didn't get better and in fact has gotten worse over time due to how "one step forwards, two steps back" everything turned out, and I think it's partly because I didn't get better. Medications may have stunted my emotional range but it seems they also blinded me to what the real problems may have been, misdirecting my attention. Before starting the antidepressants I had weighed 185 lbs and was finally starting to show a six-pack; on them I ballooned up to 260 lbs as recently as September 2019. Stopping them in 2020 resulted in an immediate decline in weight, 245 lbs in February 2020 when the endocrinologist first diagnosed me with insulin resistance, and after taking metformin and switching to a basically ketogenic diet I broke the 200 lbs mark last week, July 31, and as of this morning August 7 weigh in at 196 lbs, even after gradually reintroducing carbs starting a couple of weeks ago. I almost have the previous faint six-pack outlines peeking again, but other than being just as hairy as I've always been knowing that excess body hair is one of the few legitimate attraction dealbreakers it's crystal clear to me now that my physical appearance is not among the problems contributing to what I consider my personal inability or failure to sexually attract the women I desire. While I was indeed taking antidepressant meds during this time period and it's more obvious and apparent the effects those had on me mentally, I was also listening to DMSI as my sub of choice from late 2016 until now, and I would argue that DMSI also contributed to shifting my attention as to what the problems I truly faced may be.

I like to believe I'm a reasonably intelligent, formally educated man, however gullible, ignorant, or susceptible I may sometimes be to certain people or ways of behavior or social interaction. I know that motivational audio, especially subliminal motivational audio, is a tool, a program, a set of instructions to be fed to the processor that is the human brain in fairly consistent repetition to instill anew or reinforce an existing thought, idea, concept, even belief. I had originally sought out motivational audio in the hopes that I could reliably provide myself the positive affirmation, motivation, and reinforcement, as well as ultimately reliable direction on how to be a better person, a better man, that I felt I was lacking from other personally influential people in my life like my single mother while growing up. I truly believe Shannon genuinely wants DMSI to succeed, accomplish its stated design goals towards developing maximum sexual irresistibility within the user reliably and consistently and in an unquestionably acceptable success rate. For me, however, I feel DMSI as it currently exists has completely missed the mark, possibly even aimed in the complete opposite direction.

I'm positive I left out a lot of information about what actually happened and why I've ultimately allowed those events and the people involved to influence my emotions and decisions, for better or worse. I am genuinely not sure how useful recounting or not recounting would end up being though, and I am currently disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be indecisive about this. I will be taking a short break from listening to subs, likely just a week as I feel I don't want to "waste time that could be better spent listening," then I will decide on a new sub to listen to that would better promote identifying more clearly what is more sure to be a successful path to attain my attraction and sexual goals and reliably executing the actions necessary to achieve those goals. Extremely likely that sub will be AM6, as I apparently don't have Sex Magnet, and while I have MYPSL I am not confident at the moment that its instructions as they are currently would result in me as I am right now attracting someone who isn't with me to use me and manipulate me and ultimately deny me or otherwise leave me unfulfilled and unsatisfied sexually.