06-25-2020, 11:39 AM
Yesterday was a rocky day for me emotionally. I suspect the majority of that is because my girlfriend was cranky and upset from the moment she woke up, and it took most of the day for her to calm down. She and I have so much emotional connection that she can influence my emotional state. But I managed to pull the day back on track by being loving and ridiculously silly with her. If I can make her laugh, things usually get better, so I jokingly tried to give her a "Rudolph", or a hickey on the tip of her nose. This and a pretend effort to give her a hickey on the eyelid was ridiculous enough to bring her back laughing, and we had a good day the rest of the day.
So far fear is just... not there. It's almost like there's some sort of "anti-fear" there in it's place. Very hard to describe. Girlfriend is showing minor signs of dealing with fears, which she has shown before, but it has never been this calm or muted for her before.
She and I have been having interesting dreams, and night before last she reported having a dream within a dream within a dream, just like the movie, although what happened in the dreams was different than the movie. Can't remember the name of the movie.
There has been a strong presence of simple stillness that dominates my awareness lately. I don't know how else to describe it. Beingness, awareness while observing, simply experiencing my existence... I don't know how to describe it. But there's no fear and there's no anxiety for a couple days now. Although yesterday for a short time, maybe 20 or 30 minutes, I could tell that some part of me was very upset at something. I could not tell what, and the upset wasn't fear or anxiety, just being upset. It made me not want to work, so I played Skyrim until it passed and then I went back to work. No use trying to force it, so I simply let it be what it was and allowed that part of me to process whatever it was processing.
I'm tempted to describe this stillness as "Zen", but I'm not sure how well I understand "Zen". It is an emotional stillness so perfect that its as if I am simply waiting for something with perfect patience, and simply "being" in the process. Awareness without disturbance or action. It's very interesting.
So far fear is just... not there. It's almost like there's some sort of "anti-fear" there in it's place. Very hard to describe. Girlfriend is showing minor signs of dealing with fears, which she has shown before, but it has never been this calm or muted for her before.
She and I have been having interesting dreams, and night before last she reported having a dream within a dream within a dream, just like the movie, although what happened in the dreams was different than the movie. Can't remember the name of the movie.
There has been a strong presence of simple stillness that dominates my awareness lately. I don't know how else to describe it. Beingness, awareness while observing, simply experiencing my existence... I don't know how to describe it. But there's no fear and there's no anxiety for a couple days now. Although yesterday for a short time, maybe 20 or 30 minutes, I could tell that some part of me was very upset at something. I could not tell what, and the upset wasn't fear or anxiety, just being upset. It made me not want to work, so I played Skyrim until it passed and then I went back to work. No use trying to force it, so I simply let it be what it was and allowed that part of me to process whatever it was processing.
I'm tempted to describe this stillness as "Zen", but I'm not sure how well I understand "Zen". It is an emotional stillness so perfect that its as if I am simply waiting for something with perfect patience, and simply "being" in the process. Awareness without disturbance or action. It's very interesting.
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The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
