Yesterday, 02:47 AM
I have done many programs over several years and don’t feel like I’ve achieved the goals on any of them. I think there was always some major resistance to getting to the goals. I have spent the last 10 years or so intensely working on myself. There has been some kind of emotional/energy blockage that I mainly feel in my head and spine. I’ve done many different things to work on it. Some things feel like they help to slowly unwind and open up the sensations and a few times I have experienced almost instant opening of the energy flow and with that a total change in my emotions and experience of life. These have always been short experiences and then things go back to feeling stuck and shut down. Most things I’ve tried feel like they’re tinkering around the edges of the issue and aren’t getting to the core of solving it.
I have a couple weeks left of my run through of OSC. During this time I have had some really challenging experiences that I don’t directly attribute to running the program and as a result I have gone through a whole range of painful emotions. Since the beginning I can sometimes feel energy sensations in the areas that feel stuck while I’m playing the program. Sometimes I can feel some movement in my head, sometimes it feels like something is drilling down my spine.
About a week and a half ago I felt like I should stop and switch to OGSF because it would more directly address the underlying problem. I decided to keep going. I went through an absolutely brutal week. I had some of the most negative thoughts going through my head constantly. I felt like my life would never get better and I would never achieve any of the things I want. I felt like I’m not cut out for the kind of struggles I’m facing. The sensations I was getting were almost unbearable. It felt like my spine was being crushed and exploding at the same time, like some kind of struggle between contraction and expansion. At times I felt like I needed to scream and move like I needed to wriggle something out from my spinal cord. I was humming and growling and almost screaming as these seemed to help get some energy moving. I felt like a huge cry was building but wouldn’t come out. When I thought of how I would explain what I was feeling to someone else, the words “I feel like I’m dying” kept coming up, even thought I didn’t really consciously think that was what was happening. The other thing that I thought of to describe it was that it was like an ego death, but the ego was the part of me that believes I’m a piece of shit and that part needs to die off before I can feel good about myself. This is also coinciding with some pain in my gums that I feel could be somewhat related. My understanding is that energy meridians run through each tooth and I don’t think it’s unrelated that with the intense energy work happening that my teeth and gums are flaring up.
2 nights ago before I played the program I hummed and moved and some crying came out. Then I played the program and I cried some more while listening. The next day I felt lighter. The sensations were not so unbearable and I had some more open and expansive sensations at times. Today it was back to not feeling great about myself and some uncomfortable energy sensations but nowhere near as bad as before.
I will stick with this until at least the end of the full 2 months and see where I’m at then.
I have a couple weeks left of my run through of OSC. During this time I have had some really challenging experiences that I don’t directly attribute to running the program and as a result I have gone through a whole range of painful emotions. Since the beginning I can sometimes feel energy sensations in the areas that feel stuck while I’m playing the program. Sometimes I can feel some movement in my head, sometimes it feels like something is drilling down my spine.
About a week and a half ago I felt like I should stop and switch to OGSF because it would more directly address the underlying problem. I decided to keep going. I went through an absolutely brutal week. I had some of the most negative thoughts going through my head constantly. I felt like my life would never get better and I would never achieve any of the things I want. I felt like I’m not cut out for the kind of struggles I’m facing. The sensations I was getting were almost unbearable. It felt like my spine was being crushed and exploding at the same time, like some kind of struggle between contraction and expansion. At times I felt like I needed to scream and move like I needed to wriggle something out from my spinal cord. I was humming and growling and almost screaming as these seemed to help get some energy moving. I felt like a huge cry was building but wouldn’t come out. When I thought of how I would explain what I was feeling to someone else, the words “I feel like I’m dying” kept coming up, even thought I didn’t really consciously think that was what was happening. The other thing that I thought of to describe it was that it was like an ego death, but the ego was the part of me that believes I’m a piece of shit and that part needs to die off before I can feel good about myself. This is also coinciding with some pain in my gums that I feel could be somewhat related. My understanding is that energy meridians run through each tooth and I don’t think it’s unrelated that with the intense energy work happening that my teeth and gums are flaring up.
2 nights ago before I played the program I hummed and moved and some crying came out. Then I played the program and I cried some more while listening. The next day I felt lighter. The sensations were not so unbearable and I had some more open and expansive sensations at times. Today it was back to not feeling great about myself and some uncomfortable energy sensations but nowhere near as bad as before.
I will stick with this until at least the end of the full 2 months and see where I’m at then.
