01-12-2020, 08:28 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-12-2020, 08:34 AM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
Alright. Time to update again so I can keep track of where I'm at. Today is day 2 of bloom. I noticed that when I carpetbomb there is the risk of my phone just suddenly no longer running the VLC without explanation and without me knowing until I look and that can throw me off. I found that was the case yesterday, although it was day 1 of bloom, so I would have turned it off anyway. Still, who knows if it did that earlier towards the end of my carpet bombing run? I haven't made much (if any) progress lately, although today, I am now suddenly dealing with emotional issues. Guess I haven't come quite to the amount of resolution I thought I had...
I still don't seem to really love or appreciate myself all that much and I still don't want to be here. Well... sometimes I do, in the rare moments where I am truly present. Those are rare and fleeting, but they're a good start. It feels like all is perfect and as it should be. There's this indescribable positive feeling. Love doesn't quite describe it, joy doesn't quite describe it, nothing really quite describes it. Last time I felt that way, I then went deeper into my own mind while fantasizing because I was half asleep, and then insecure thoughts about the whole past with my ex-friend came up and I lost that feeling. Haven't gotten it back since.
I still have more work to do.
Sometimes I wonder if at this point, anything more is still happening. Like if anything more is still changing. The fact that I'm going through the stuff I'm going through today indicates that under the hood, it probably still is, even if it seems like nothing's going on anymore, but sometimes that's how it seems: as though I just stopped at a certain point and haven't progressed any further. At least the stuff I'm going through today is an indicator that SOMETHING is still going on...
Still not at the point where I'm making money, it seems.
I still don't seem to really love or appreciate myself all that much and I still don't want to be here. Well... sometimes I do, in the rare moments where I am truly present. Those are rare and fleeting, but they're a good start. It feels like all is perfect and as it should be. There's this indescribable positive feeling. Love doesn't quite describe it, joy doesn't quite describe it, nothing really quite describes it. Last time I felt that way, I then went deeper into my own mind while fantasizing because I was half asleep, and then insecure thoughts about the whole past with my ex-friend came up and I lost that feeling. Haven't gotten it back since.
I still have more work to do.
Sometimes I wonder if at this point, anything more is still happening. Like if anything more is still changing. The fact that I'm going through the stuff I'm going through today indicates that under the hood, it probably still is, even if it seems like nothing's going on anymore, but sometimes that's how it seems: as though I just stopped at a certain point and haven't progressed any further. At least the stuff I'm going through today is an indicator that SOMETHING is still going on...
Still not at the point where I'm making money, it seems.
