EP UMS JOURNAL

[EvolvingPhoenix]

When you got rejected, and you started going crazy with self hate etc. did you do that because it gained you something?  Yes.  What did it gain you?  I'd put my money on, "If I trash myself, then I will never try to be accepted, and if I never try to be accepted, I never have to risk being rejected again."

Then if that is the case, you have to wonder... why does it matter to you so much that you got rejected?  To which the most likely answer is... "Because she was giving me my sense of self worth.  Her approval would make me feel worthwhile and valid and valuable."

And if that is the case, then you could ask yourself, "Why do I need her approval and validation when I can validate and approve of myself?"  To which the most likely answer is "Because as a result of Experience X (and possibly Y, Z, etc.) I conclude that I have no value in and of myself, so I need to seek value from others."

Which you could respond to by asking, "Does it make sense that I would conclude that I have no value as a result of those experiences?" to which the answer, of course, is "No."  So then you've found yourself a logical fallacy which has led you to make a conclusion that is in error and act like it is true, which effectively makes it true for you as long as you believe it is valid.  

To which the solution would be to realize the error, invalidate the belief that you have no value, and start focusing on being the one who values you, and providing yourself with forgiveness, attention, care, love, approval, etc.

We have already been through this.  This is the most likely story in my opinion.  But you have to play along instead of repeating the same tired mistakes that keep you in the same tired negative cycle.

You're right. I need to become my primary source of validation and it seems I'm unwilling to do that. I have a hard time accepting myself as i already am, and get the feeling that even if I accomplished the things in my head, I would still struggle with this, because i am holding onto a logical fallacy I don't seem to want to get rid of for some reason, even though it causes me nothing but pain. I need to let this belief go. So why do I resist doing it? Maybe because it comes with responsibility I'm not taking? 

If my life theme is personal sovereignty and personal sovereignty is very connected to personal responsibility, maybe that's what my problem is: not taking responsibility. 

Why do I resist doing that? Because I'm afraid of something? Maybe because it would require me to engage the world around me instead of my usual forms of withdrawal, and I'm afraid to do that?

Hmm..

Also:

"'Does it make sense that I would conclude that I have no value as a result of those experiences?' to which the answer, of course, is 'No.'" 

Well, to be honest, that's another part I struggle with: I feel like if I'm not the ideal vision of myself I have in my head, then I'm not of value. 

I know you say how important it is to get that we can love ourselves as we are and improve at the same time, but for some reason, I have a hard time appreciating that. Probably for reasons related to the above though. 

I've got to just be patient and take it a day at a time, just balancing meditation, school, applying for jobs, and slowly developing my creative ideas. 

And I have to learn to appreciate the person I am building on these things, and tell myself that everyone advances at their own speeds and that these experiences were just needed to show me where there was inner distortion that needs healing, to BECOME who I am and who I'm becoming. I also think I base my sense off self worth around doing, and maybe I should base my worth around BEING instead. But that's a hard mental switch for me to make at this moment. 

Anyway, you're right. I need to get with the program. Letting go of that faulty belief is essential to my forward progression and my personal evolution.