11-18-2019, 04:12 AM
Day 4 of bloom.
I still hate myself. Thought I was passed this part of my healing process. Why can't I just let go of shit? Why can't I forgive myself? Why can't I believe in any change I make? Why is it not enough? Why can't I give myself credit? Why can' I accept myself as I am? Why can't I believe in getting second chances? Why do I feel I need one so badly? I feel as though I'll always think back on the last 4 to 5 years as proof that I'll irredeemably never be good enough. Likenot only will I never be good enough, I'll never be worthy of love and I don't deserve forgiveness or understanding. Hopefully, these feelings or ideas or beliefs or whatever are just E3 working on me and they're my subconscious's way of fighting back against the programming and my subconscious will just eventually stop fighting, but this is a feeling I've had ever since I first got rejected, and truth be told, this is a feeling/belief/idea that I have probably had all my life, that just got buried and triggered by everything that happened with me and my ex-friend. I'm trying to just process it when it comes up, but it doesn't seem to process. I'm having a hard time processing it, having a hard time rewriting it, having a hard time understanding it, having a hard time letting it go and have a hard time healing it. It's just killing me inside, causing constant low-key suffering that occasionally becomes more intense. I fell asleep last night feeling this way, and after at least 8 hours of sleep, I awake feeling this way again. This is going to be some really difficult healing.
I still hate myself. Thought I was passed this part of my healing process. Why can't I just let go of shit? Why can't I forgive myself? Why can't I believe in any change I make? Why is it not enough? Why can't I give myself credit? Why can' I accept myself as I am? Why can't I believe in getting second chances? Why do I feel I need one so badly? I feel as though I'll always think back on the last 4 to 5 years as proof that I'll irredeemably never be good enough. Likenot only will I never be good enough, I'll never be worthy of love and I don't deserve forgiveness or understanding. Hopefully, these feelings or ideas or beliefs or whatever are just E3 working on me and they're my subconscious's way of fighting back against the programming and my subconscious will just eventually stop fighting, but this is a feeling I've had ever since I first got rejected, and truth be told, this is a feeling/belief/idea that I have probably had all my life, that just got buried and triggered by everything that happened with me and my ex-friend. I'm trying to just process it when it comes up, but it doesn't seem to process. I'm having a hard time processing it, having a hard time rewriting it, having a hard time understanding it, having a hard time letting it go and have a hard time healing it. It's just killing me inside, causing constant low-key suffering that occasionally becomes more intense. I fell asleep last night feeling this way, and after at least 8 hours of sleep, I awake feeling this way again. This is going to be some really difficult healing.
