10-14-2019, 08:02 AM
(10-14-2019, 06:25 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: Day 3 of carpetbombing. Feeling the depression hit me. Feelin REALLY shitty. Feeling like I'll spend my whole life trying to heal these wpunds and achieve happiness and still fail. I feel like even if I had a billion dollars right now, with a perfect wife manifested from an AYP/MYP sub, 2 beautiful kids, the ability to play guitar, creative acclaim, and all the other stuff I want in life, I would still be unhappy and wouldn't be able to appreciate ANY of it. And I would still hold myself in low regard. It FEELS like I just can't win. Like I'll never heal this within this lifetime. I know this is just a feeling and a self limiting belief, but that's just how it feels, even if it's untrue. I'm tired of living, but I gotta push forward and make the best strides I can. But it feels like I'm in a maze and and I'm feeling my way around it, blind as a bat.
According to what you.ve written here, it seems you're overly attached to being healed. I know that sounds a bit strange, I mean how could you not be somewhat attached to not wanting to feel bad anymore?....I've been where you are, even almost took my own life because of it. One thing that helped me is learning to detach for my own thoughts and feelings. At one point, I became so negative that it was hard for me to do something as simple as brush my teeth without going into a negative spiral.
I'm not sure if the following suggestion would help your situation but I'll throw it out there anyway. Stop caring about your thoughts and emotions so much. I know it's easier said than done, but once I stopped caring about my negative thoughts and emotions, and even stopped caring about being overly happy, that's when things actually started to loosen up for me, and I began to make progress. Looking back, I realized all that negativity came from only a portion from myself and not from all of who I truly was. Once my "ego mind" started to get the point that I couldn't have cared less about whatever thoughts and feelings it threw my way, it began to have less power over me, and began to slow down.
Taking action, any action also helps. I don't care if it's reading a book, jogging, whatever. "An idol mind is the devil's playground", so find ways to be productive or at least keep yourself a bit more busy.
