Feeling some heavy depression today, really "deep stuff is happening"-day. My mind is grasping after reasons to stop running LTU and I take this (even if it was hard to realize it during the day) as a sign of resistance and that I'm possibly breaking through something. I noticed that I feel "closer to life around me", like more connected and more "here" not being closed off in my distant emotional tower called "my problems" but more present and able to interact with my surroundings. I also feel more able to assert myself.
Came home after long day and felt still pretty fresh but really depressed. Had dinner with my mom and dad. And as always my mom sits there being upset about a number of things and as soon as my dad and I are having a good time or my dad tells a story she gets agitated and whatnot, but you know what, today it didn't matter as much as it usually does. We had a good time and I was able to ignore her mostly. Her mood didn't concern me as much as i usually does.
I've realized that some people don't want your happiness. That isn't really in their interest, as they are too preoccupied with their own stuff and can't get their head out of their asses. So it's OK for me not to care about how they feel all the time, because it's in their own power to not get upset about everything - meaning that it's not _my_ fault that they get upset, but really their predisposition to any given situation and their reaction to it, which in most cases (when talking about my mom) is not justified. So thats that, I think I found a rational for changing the way I look at my mothers moods. I also feel like I am more and more starting to be able to grasp the fact that i don't have to cater to other people but can be "egoistic" about protecting myself when I need it (without meeting extreme anxiety in the face of doing so, so much that it haven't actually been an alternative before, I have always gone around "unprotected" and unable to shield myself of other peoples emotions - which in turn have made me to a really good people reader with ability to distinguish what other people think and feel, but it's been hard to give myself space at times)
I went to a lecture that I found interesting after work, wouldn't usually do that I guess.
Came home after long day and felt still pretty fresh but really depressed. Had dinner with my mom and dad. And as always my mom sits there being upset about a number of things and as soon as my dad and I are having a good time or my dad tells a story she gets agitated and whatnot, but you know what, today it didn't matter as much as it usually does. We had a good time and I was able to ignore her mostly. Her mood didn't concern me as much as i usually does.
I've realized that some people don't want your happiness. That isn't really in their interest, as they are too preoccupied with their own stuff and can't get their head out of their asses. So it's OK for me not to care about how they feel all the time, because it's in their own power to not get upset about everything - meaning that it's not _my_ fault that they get upset, but really their predisposition to any given situation and their reaction to it, which in most cases (when talking about my mom) is not justified. So thats that, I think I found a rational for changing the way I look at my mothers moods. I also feel like I am more and more starting to be able to grasp the fact that i don't have to cater to other people but can be "egoistic" about protecting myself when I need it (without meeting extreme anxiety in the face of doing so, so much that it haven't actually been an alternative before, I have always gone around "unprotected" and unable to shield myself of other peoples emotions - which in turn have made me to a really good people reader with ability to distinguish what other people think and feel, but it's been hard to give myself space at times)
I went to a lecture that I found interesting after work, wouldn't usually do that I guess.
