09-17-2019, 01:38 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-17-2019, 01:39 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
I'm feeling really down today.
First, I went to study group to get help with my homework, but only had so much time and still have SO MUCH I feel I need help with. I can't get help from the TA tomorrow because she's busy. It's due day after tomorrow. Can't get help from the teacher because he's only available at a time I will NOT be able to wake up by, I'm still dealing with serious self esteem issues and the pains of the friendship breakup, I'm getting my ass kicked by this stats class and still also have a life cycles class making shit harder, I've got a job fair I am obligated to attend tomorrow, so that'll be less time to work on this Stats HW, Stats class is KICKING MY ASS and we have only just begun, I am on student loans and owe the government money now, I have no time for everything, I am dependent on my parents for SO MUCH, especially now with these classes, and on one hand, I'm grateful to them for their help, but I resent having to rely on it and dislike myself for not being more self sufficient and for having relied on the charity of others my whole life, I'm damn near broke, I got no job, don't REALLY want one, I'm having to go through this suck ass system to not only get by but make my way in the world, and will owe a shit ton of money to the government once I'm done, might not be able to find work, and I find college.university to be indoctrinating and find myself thinking about just dropping out, but I've got no other cards lined up right now if I do that. And this UMS isn't working. And I have little to no time for spiritual development which is essential to my healing process, much less creative development, and all my mental power and energy is being constantly drained, primarilly by these classes, as well as my time. And I just feel like... Damnit, THIS is where I'm at with my 30th birthday just a couple weeks away. THIS is where I'm at at that point in my life. And I look at people who are living up to the ideal self I want to be, and my failure to live up to the ideal image of myself tortures me, as it does anyone who isn't in alignment with their best self. Meanwhile, I'm living in fucking Clown World, where people around are just nuts and assholes and those of us who don't want to give in to bullshit opinions are expected to keep our heads down and punished when we don't. I'm just feeling SO SHITTY right now.
GOD I hope UMS starts to work for me soon and helps me change my life for the better. I'm thinking of dropping out of college. Fuck teaching English abroad. Why not just get rich and travel where I want, when I want, and do what I want when I get there? I'm hoping UMS will set me on that path of freedom.
I feel like such a failure. And a piece of me resents my very soul, for choosing to give me the problems in life I have to face, and resents myself for failing to meet them properly.
I just feel awful lately. And once again, I'm wondering if I'm really ACTUALLY going anywhere or truly living up to my full potential. I feel stuck. I feel like a failure. I feel like a nobody. I feel like shit.
And my friends... I rarely see them. And every time I get with my best friend, ALWAYS he manages to bring some toxic negative bullshit to the table that brings me down and fucks up my good time, coming COMPLETELY from an unconscious place of insecurity, toxicity and negativity. And I can't seem to surround myself with better people.
**sigh**
And all I can do it seems is march forward as best I can. It just doesn't feel like I'm doing enough.
I'm letting myself down, and have been letting myself (an d others) down my ENTIRE life.
First, I went to study group to get help with my homework, but only had so much time and still have SO MUCH I feel I need help with. I can't get help from the TA tomorrow because she's busy. It's due day after tomorrow. Can't get help from the teacher because he's only available at a time I will NOT be able to wake up by, I'm still dealing with serious self esteem issues and the pains of the friendship breakup, I'm getting my ass kicked by this stats class and still also have a life cycles class making shit harder, I've got a job fair I am obligated to attend tomorrow, so that'll be less time to work on this Stats HW, Stats class is KICKING MY ASS and we have only just begun, I am on student loans and owe the government money now, I have no time for everything, I am dependent on my parents for SO MUCH, especially now with these classes, and on one hand, I'm grateful to them for their help, but I resent having to rely on it and dislike myself for not being more self sufficient and for having relied on the charity of others my whole life, I'm damn near broke, I got no job, don't REALLY want one, I'm having to go through this suck ass system to not only get by but make my way in the world, and will owe a shit ton of money to the government once I'm done, might not be able to find work, and I find college.university to be indoctrinating and find myself thinking about just dropping out, but I've got no other cards lined up right now if I do that. And this UMS isn't working. And I have little to no time for spiritual development which is essential to my healing process, much less creative development, and all my mental power and energy is being constantly drained, primarilly by these classes, as well as my time. And I just feel like... Damnit, THIS is where I'm at with my 30th birthday just a couple weeks away. THIS is where I'm at at that point in my life. And I look at people who are living up to the ideal self I want to be, and my failure to live up to the ideal image of myself tortures me, as it does anyone who isn't in alignment with their best self. Meanwhile, I'm living in fucking Clown World, where people around are just nuts and assholes and those of us who don't want to give in to bullshit opinions are expected to keep our heads down and punished when we don't. I'm just feeling SO SHITTY right now.
GOD I hope UMS starts to work for me soon and helps me change my life for the better. I'm thinking of dropping out of college. Fuck teaching English abroad. Why not just get rich and travel where I want, when I want, and do what I want when I get there? I'm hoping UMS will set me on that path of freedom.
I feel like such a failure. And a piece of me resents my very soul, for choosing to give me the problems in life I have to face, and resents myself for failing to meet them properly.
I just feel awful lately. And once again, I'm wondering if I'm really ACTUALLY going anywhere or truly living up to my full potential. I feel stuck. I feel like a failure. I feel like a nobody. I feel like shit.
And my friends... I rarely see them. And every time I get with my best friend, ALWAYS he manages to bring some toxic negative bullshit to the table that brings me down and fucks up my good time, coming COMPLETELY from an unconscious place of insecurity, toxicity and negativity. And I can't seem to surround myself with better people.
**sigh**
And all I can do it seems is march forward as best I can. It just doesn't feel like I'm doing enough.
I'm letting myself down, and have been letting myself (an d others) down my ENTIRE life.
