08-23-2019, 07:06 AM
Well, I kind of fucked up. I think it might have been agitation from the sub and partly resistance.
Went into the kitchen this morning and my mother was up. Started lecturing about how I'm not doing enough, etc, etc. I finally just blew my lid and yelled at her "Do you know how it feels to want to kill yourself for 5 years?" and "This is why I don't talk to you because you fucking lecture me all the time". I threw my cup full of water on the floor (it didn't break) and she still tried to act calm etc but I just walked out. Reason I say this might have been a fuck up is because this means I might not get any financial assistance which I desperately need at the moment since I am practically broke and I still need to get a few things done (that require money) before I can move to China. At this point I might need to take out a loan to get this done and carry me over the first month before I get my paycheck in China.
As for that incident something just snapped in me. I might have already been put in edge because of the sub and I just lost it. I thought about how she just keep on complaining about shit to a person who has clear PTSD, etc, etc and I finally just got tired of it. People who constantly complain about their own issue and then bitch about what your not doing while you've been suffering for the last 6 years to the point of thinking about ending it numerous times. She is right about something though after I move out of the states I don't plan on ever coming back. The only thing I would come back for is to get my stuff and that is it. I am suspicious like I said though that this might have been some way to self sabotage myself from getting to China. Thing you have to know about me is it takes a long time for me to get angry though when I finally do I do scare people because they almost never see me truly angry.
There is one other thing though as I think about it. The fact that it might be a combination of the sub putting me on edge and the PTSD symptoms just blowing up like crazy which is putting me in a already very agitated mood. Anyway, I think I will definitely run MHS later on when it comes out. I want this damaged healed and done with and I don't care how long its going to take. Its apparent to me now that I can't keep brute forcing this because the trauma is just too fucking strong and with my brain damaged in some parts I just can't seem to get past this all. I need to heal myself physically in order to actually get anywhere I believe. If others think that's a cop out then fine they can believe what they want. There not the ones suffering like this and thinking about offing themselves.
If this sounds very angrily written it probably is because I still am pissed off to the point I'm feeling body reactions (tends to happen when I finally do get pissed off). I feel this warm heat time energy in my stomach at the moment and my spine feels tingly. Anyway, that's about it. I'm just done with this I want my brain healed and if I have to stay on MHS for 6 months to a year I don't care. I'm tired of living like this.
Went into the kitchen this morning and my mother was up. Started lecturing about how I'm not doing enough, etc, etc. I finally just blew my lid and yelled at her "Do you know how it feels to want to kill yourself for 5 years?" and "This is why I don't talk to you because you fucking lecture me all the time". I threw my cup full of water on the floor (it didn't break) and she still tried to act calm etc but I just walked out. Reason I say this might have been a fuck up is because this means I might not get any financial assistance which I desperately need at the moment since I am practically broke and I still need to get a few things done (that require money) before I can move to China. At this point I might need to take out a loan to get this done and carry me over the first month before I get my paycheck in China.
As for that incident something just snapped in me. I might have already been put in edge because of the sub and I just lost it. I thought about how she just keep on complaining about shit to a person who has clear PTSD, etc, etc and I finally just got tired of it. People who constantly complain about their own issue and then bitch about what your not doing while you've been suffering for the last 6 years to the point of thinking about ending it numerous times. She is right about something though after I move out of the states I don't plan on ever coming back. The only thing I would come back for is to get my stuff and that is it. I am suspicious like I said though that this might have been some way to self sabotage myself from getting to China. Thing you have to know about me is it takes a long time for me to get angry though when I finally do I do scare people because they almost never see me truly angry.
There is one other thing though as I think about it. The fact that it might be a combination of the sub putting me on edge and the PTSD symptoms just blowing up like crazy which is putting me in a already very agitated mood. Anyway, I think I will definitely run MHS later on when it comes out. I want this damaged healed and done with and I don't care how long its going to take. Its apparent to me now that I can't keep brute forcing this because the trauma is just too fucking strong and with my brain damaged in some parts I just can't seem to get past this all. I need to heal myself physically in order to actually get anywhere I believe. If others think that's a cop out then fine they can believe what they want. There not the ones suffering like this and thinking about offing themselves.
If this sounds very angrily written it probably is because I still am pissed off to the point I'm feeling body reactions (tends to happen when I finally do get pissed off). I feel this warm heat time energy in my stomach at the moment and my spine feels tingly. Anyway, that's about it. I'm just done with this I want my brain healed and if I have to stay on MHS for 6 months to a year I don't care. I'm tired of living like this.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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