I feel that something deep is changing inside of me. Like I have gone around in my life previously trying to make people laugh, feel good, etc. That is fading. Or not the desire to make other people happy, but the need to make other people like me. It's like I'm learning just to be myself, and not depending on needing other people's acceptance. Like - I'm myself, and if they want to like me, well fine by me, but if not, well that's on you. I guess it got something to do with guilt, because previously I would have felt guilty if other people didn't like me, because they would project that "it's your fault that I'm not happy" and I would immediately internalized that guilt. When I work on getting rid of my internal guilt, there is less place for the "internalized guilt" to get a foodhold on, and thus become less effective. That's at least my theory.
I'm reaching a deeper relaxation, like I can lay in bed in the morning and just breathe and feel how tensions release in by body and I'm getting closer and closer go getting "grounded" i.e. being in contact with my body physically. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it, but when you loose your connection to your body as I have been experiencing for the latest 3 years, you loose your litteral foothold on life on earth. You loose your connection to the general and fundamental feeling of safety and security and you are sprung loose into the ether of the world with no place of getting back on your feet, how much you try, you just can't find that place again. It's a horrendous feeling and I wouldn't wish it for my worst enemy. So you can understand when I say it's a big thing to start feeling safe again. I'm still not really comfortable around other people even though it's getting there, and I'm more comfortable when alone (I think being in this unsettling non-safety state make you more sensitive to other people, and thus creating a barrier to yourself feeling safe around others). I enjoy spending time alone, meditating and in nature and I think it's because those things help me get back to this safe place inside (i.e. connecting to my body) and releasing the fear that ultimately is the blockage between me feeling safe and where I am right now.
My mind is getting more like itself and I'm thinking about solutions to everyday-problems and getting this "inventive spirit" back which I had before falling into depression.
I'm reaching a deeper relaxation, like I can lay in bed in the morning and just breathe and feel how tensions release in by body and I'm getting closer and closer go getting "grounded" i.e. being in contact with my body physically. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it, but when you loose your connection to your body as I have been experiencing for the latest 3 years, you loose your litteral foothold on life on earth. You loose your connection to the general and fundamental feeling of safety and security and you are sprung loose into the ether of the world with no place of getting back on your feet, how much you try, you just can't find that place again. It's a horrendous feeling and I wouldn't wish it for my worst enemy. So you can understand when I say it's a big thing to start feeling safe again. I'm still not really comfortable around other people even though it's getting there, and I'm more comfortable when alone (I think being in this unsettling non-safety state make you more sensitive to other people, and thus creating a barrier to yourself feeling safe around others). I enjoy spending time alone, meditating and in nature and I think it's because those things help me get back to this safe place inside (i.e. connecting to my body) and releasing the fear that ultimately is the blockage between me feeling safe and where I am right now.
My mind is getting more like itself and I'm thinking about solutions to everyday-problems and getting this "inventive spirit" back which I had before falling into depression.
