07-07-2019, 09:05 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-07-2019, 09:22 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
I should mention she has a husband. What was I expecting, right? Love makes you do crazy things. Please don't judge me.
I dunno what's more painful: the thought that I don't deserve what happened or the thought that I totally DO. I somehow feel both simultaneously. I wish she cared about the pain she caused me by just casting me aside like that. I wish she understood it. What kills me, is she had a friend unceremoniously friend dump her out of the blue too. So she should know how it feels. I wish she'd experience it again, and again and again, until she had sympathy for others going through it. Which is a shitty thing to wish on someone I love. I'm just hurt. Hurt I matter so little to her and hurt that even after having gone through HELL herself after having such a thing happen to her, she would put me through the same hell. I will NEVER do to someone else what she did to me, no matter how bad they are. That doesn't mean I'll put up with ill treatment, but I won't just cast them aside like that. Never. I'll never do that to somebody. There HAS to be another way. I wish I had felt sympathy for what SHE had gone through when it happened to her. I wish she could have sympathy for me struggling with this right now. What kills me is she looks down on people who are drowning. She was so fortunate. She had a therapist worth their weight in gold, and most of us will NEVER find a therapist that good. And she judges people for not seeking help. But she never SOUGHT help. She was forced to see a therapist and took forever to start working with said therapist. How could she be so judgmental against people who are in a position she herself was once in?
I know, it doesn't matter now and I need to GET OVER IT. I'm running E3 multiple times before I go to bed and run the 3 loops in my sleep. I need more of E3's help. I was doing so good! And I can do good again. I can get through this. I can let this go. I have to. There's nothing else I can do about it. Even if we became friends again, she'd still judge others like that, me included. She holds judgement for others that she doesn't for herself and understanding for herself that she doesn't hold for others. And you know what? I DON'T deserve that, no matter how bad I was. And neither does she, or anyone else. We ALL have it in us to, under the right conditions, reach low points and be shitty versions of ourselves. But we all deserve patience, forgiveness and understanding. And compassion. I'm angry for the reason ANYBODY gets angry: because there is a love gone unrequited. Unrequited love is at the heart of all anger.
Shannon's right, I do need to accept that I deserved better and let it go. Even though I did SO MUCH WRONG and missed the mark SO BADLY... I deserved better. We all deserve better than to be cast out and looked down upon when we mess up and miss the mark. I deserve somebody who understands me and loves me enough to forgive me. The question is: can I do this for MYSELF? It's about time I do. I can love and accept myself without giving up my striving. I learned that from Shannon and Greenduck. I missed the mark. I missed it SO BAD. And it's okay. I deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to be understood. I deserve compassion. I deserve sympathy. I deserve love. And if I can't get that from her, I can still get it from myself.
I just have to remind myself: no matter what I did wrong, I DESERVE better. We all do. Shannon's right. I just need to accept it. Accept it and move forward. I need to let her go.
I dunno what's more painful: the thought that I don't deserve what happened or the thought that I totally DO. I somehow feel both simultaneously. I wish she cared about the pain she caused me by just casting me aside like that. I wish she understood it. What kills me, is she had a friend unceremoniously friend dump her out of the blue too. So she should know how it feels. I wish she'd experience it again, and again and again, until she had sympathy for others going through it. Which is a shitty thing to wish on someone I love. I'm just hurt. Hurt I matter so little to her and hurt that even after having gone through HELL herself after having such a thing happen to her, she would put me through the same hell. I will NEVER do to someone else what she did to me, no matter how bad they are. That doesn't mean I'll put up with ill treatment, but I won't just cast them aside like that. Never. I'll never do that to somebody. There HAS to be another way. I wish I had felt sympathy for what SHE had gone through when it happened to her. I wish she could have sympathy for me struggling with this right now. What kills me is she looks down on people who are drowning. She was so fortunate. She had a therapist worth their weight in gold, and most of us will NEVER find a therapist that good. And she judges people for not seeking help. But she never SOUGHT help. She was forced to see a therapist and took forever to start working with said therapist. How could she be so judgmental against people who are in a position she herself was once in?
I know, it doesn't matter now and I need to GET OVER IT. I'm running E3 multiple times before I go to bed and run the 3 loops in my sleep. I need more of E3's help. I was doing so good! And I can do good again. I can get through this. I can let this go. I have to. There's nothing else I can do about it. Even if we became friends again, she'd still judge others like that, me included. She holds judgement for others that she doesn't for herself and understanding for herself that she doesn't hold for others. And you know what? I DON'T deserve that, no matter how bad I was. And neither does she, or anyone else. We ALL have it in us to, under the right conditions, reach low points and be shitty versions of ourselves. But we all deserve patience, forgiveness and understanding. And compassion. I'm angry for the reason ANYBODY gets angry: because there is a love gone unrequited. Unrequited love is at the heart of all anger.
Shannon's right, I do need to accept that I deserved better and let it go. Even though I did SO MUCH WRONG and missed the mark SO BADLY... I deserved better. We all deserve better than to be cast out and looked down upon when we mess up and miss the mark. I deserve somebody who understands me and loves me enough to forgive me. The question is: can I do this for MYSELF? It's about time I do. I can love and accept myself without giving up my striving. I learned that from Shannon and Greenduck. I missed the mark. I missed it SO BAD. And it's okay. I deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to be understood. I deserve compassion. I deserve sympathy. I deserve love. And if I can't get that from her, I can still get it from myself.
I just have to remind myself: no matter what I did wrong, I DESERVE better. We all do. Shannon's right. I just need to accept it. Accept it and move forward. I need to let her go.
