06-29-2019, 09:46 AM
Day 28:
I've got so many faulty beliefs and perceptions going on under the hood, and they're all based on the same overall notion: "I'm not good enough" I'd like to say I've corrected these faulty perceptions but I haven't, and the guilt and shame doesn't help. And that's where I'm at. I am resisting E3 hard I think. Because the truth is, E3 can't change that fundamental misconception that I'm not good enough. And I can't seem to convince myself that I am either. So I think I'm stonewalling the program. I dunno, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's doing more than I think, but I just feel like I'm too full of guilt and shame and this notion that I'm not good enough to let the program execute. I'm still running it though, hoping that in time, the program will work on me. But the stuff it;s working on is so deep, so layered and so fundamental that it could take years to unravel it all. I shouldn't have expected some sort of magic pill. Even E3, as powerful as it is, isn't such a miracle worker that it can change me in a month. It needs more time. Far more time. And I need to confront that faulty programming, but I guess I don't want to or something. I dunno. All's I know is, I won't be different over night. It'll probably be a good while before my tune begins to change. I look back at my past and it pains me what I look back on. My present is filled with guilt, shame and pain. My future is probably a longer way off than I wanted, but things take time. That's all I've got for now. And I'll probably be carrying that same tune for a while. That's just the way it is. Thank you all for your support. I'm sorry if I ever took it for granted or didn't listen to you. Anyway, that's all for now.
I've got so many faulty beliefs and perceptions going on under the hood, and they're all based on the same overall notion: "I'm not good enough" I'd like to say I've corrected these faulty perceptions but I haven't, and the guilt and shame doesn't help. And that's where I'm at. I am resisting E3 hard I think. Because the truth is, E3 can't change that fundamental misconception that I'm not good enough. And I can't seem to convince myself that I am either. So I think I'm stonewalling the program. I dunno, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's doing more than I think, but I just feel like I'm too full of guilt and shame and this notion that I'm not good enough to let the program execute. I'm still running it though, hoping that in time, the program will work on me. But the stuff it;s working on is so deep, so layered and so fundamental that it could take years to unravel it all. I shouldn't have expected some sort of magic pill. Even E3, as powerful as it is, isn't such a miracle worker that it can change me in a month. It needs more time. Far more time. And I need to confront that faulty programming, but I guess I don't want to or something. I dunno. All's I know is, I won't be different over night. It'll probably be a good while before my tune begins to change. I look back at my past and it pains me what I look back on. My present is filled with guilt, shame and pain. My future is probably a longer way off than I wanted, but things take time. That's all I've got for now. And I'll probably be carrying that same tune for a while. That's just the way it is. Thank you all for your support. I'm sorry if I ever took it for granted or didn't listen to you. Anyway, that's all for now.
