06-27-2019, 11:00 AM
(06-27-2019, 09:26 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: I'm listening to relatives and my parents talk about pets. And I wish I had been closer and more loving with my past pets. Like I am with my cats now. I had an opportunity to make those animals so much happier than they probably were. But I was too self absorbed. I still am self absorbed. I look at what I want out of life, and I want a comfortable independent and creative life with a 10/10 GF. I don't care about making a difference or helping others. I just want to feel good about myself. I honestly believe part of our purpose here is making a choice to serve ourselves or others. And I want to be "good" and choose service to others, but I look at my desires and behaviour and focus... And if I'm being honest, it's all quite selfish. I'm always disappointed with myself. There's the self I think I should be and the self I actually am and those are just 2 different people. Like I said, I just want to feel good about myself. Because I don't like nor love myself. So I have this ideal version of myself and my life in my head that I think I need in order to like/love myself. And I'm so caught up in that, I miss opportunities to help others feel better. Because I don't think about others' happiness. I only think of my own or lack thereof. I dunno where I'm going with this. What's there to take away from this realization? To focus on others more? Or to accept myself as I am in order to make room in my experience for the happiness of others? Let's be honest: do I really want to focus on others' happiness? Do I really want to sacrifice my self centeredness to be more attentive to others? If not, then why does it sadden me that I never went far enpugh out of my way to make my past pets happier? And if so, then why don't I do it? If I do all these things I feel I should do to be worthy of love, will I finally love myself? Will I finally pay more attention to others' needs and happiness? Maybe I got things backwards. Maybe if I focus on others more, I'll like myself better. So then why don't I do it? Do I actually derive any satisfaction from it? Do I derive satisfaction from anything? What do I need to do first to get everything else in order? Do I need to love myself before I can truly love others? Or do I need to love others before I can truly love myself? What do I actually WANT? Do I actually want what I think I SHOULD want? I want to love myself and others, but I don't think I truly love either. So what's the way to reaching that point? Maybe everything I think I need to do before I can love myself is completely wrong. But then what's the answer? Maybe I spend too much time thinking about this stuff. While I write this, I could be doing something with my family to try and make their lives better. Is there anything I could do to make their lives better? Would I actually derive satisfaxtion from it or just be doing it out of a sense of obligation? Fact is, I don't do too much of anything. Whatever I do, I need to be DOING more.
I notice some thinking patterns in your text here. First, you are basing a lot of your thoughts on guilt. Everything you mention about "should" is a guilt-based thought. Ask yourself if it's necessary to feel this guilt and down the line you will understand that it's only detrimental. When you are feeling guilty, you are feeling the opposite of love. Love is when you share the love that is within. If there is no love within, but guilt, you are driven by the guilt and what you do to others and think is love, is actually just stilling that voice inside and making the guilt stop. That is not love.
The way to start feeling love for yourself is to overcome your guilt. Just try to don't do anything because of what you think you should, but what you need. Feel inside what you really want and need to do. Ask for help if that is what you need. Feel that you deserve support.
