I'm reading a book called east of eden as I mentioned before. In the book there's a character called Cathy who is more or less a sociopath. Everything in her life is about herself and she can't feel empathy for other people, or see the good in others, she sees everything as a sign of weakness if she can and she try to get people under her control if she can, if she fails she get outraged. The more I read the more I see the similarities with my mother and how much I have been under her control due to her dirty tricks of getting other people to adapt to her, and to me much of it is because she somewhere know I feel sorry for her and she use that as a weakness to control me. But I'm starting to get angry. Not like angry in a shallow sense or an anger that passes, but a deep feeling of being treated badly and the anger that comes with that, it's more like an inside rage. I guess it's my self with self-esteem that's coming back, or appearing for the first time. A self that can feel self esteem other than the one that haven't known that it was deserving of it. I'm breaking free. I'm becoming a separate individual who can stand up for himself and don't have to dance to other peoples tunes. A radical shift is happening inside, and it feels like new ground is breaking open infront of me, ground that I haven't dared to step onto because fear was holding me in place on the safer path where I don't upset other people with my own needs, but a shift is happening from being guided by the aversion of fear to the inner needs, this feels very new, not scary but exciting, well scary in some way but also something that holds promise of something.
EDIT:
It's interesting how her mere presence make me feel bad. I went out and chilled in some woods close by and I felt great, went to the store, felt great, came home, feel like shit. It's like she hates me deeply just because I'm no longer catering to her needs. A deep freightful hate. I look forward until I'm strong enough to discourage this. I have realized that I really don't feel at peace at home or even safe, it's like any second she can storm into my room for something. I can't relax.
I remember hearing something from Jordan Peterson about when you do you shadow work you discover your "potental for havoc" and that is what you start respecting in yourself and what make other people respect you. It's that you have an additional basic layer of existance that you can take into the world whenever you want to, or when you feel that you need to. It's that part of you that no-one can control, and thus it's scary, even for you, because if no one else can control it, you have to. I'm getting that. I'm discovering it.
EDIT:
It's interesting how her mere presence make me feel bad. I went out and chilled in some woods close by and I felt great, went to the store, felt great, came home, feel like shit. It's like she hates me deeply just because I'm no longer catering to her needs. A deep freightful hate. I look forward until I'm strong enough to discourage this. I have realized that I really don't feel at peace at home or even safe, it's like any second she can storm into my room for something. I can't relax.
I remember hearing something from Jordan Peterson about when you do you shadow work you discover your "potental for havoc" and that is what you start respecting in yourself and what make other people respect you. It's that you have an additional basic layer of existance that you can take into the world whenever you want to, or when you feel that you need to. It's that part of you that no-one can control, and thus it's scary, even for you, because if no one else can control it, you have to. I'm getting that. I'm discovering it.
