06-05-2019, 09:19 PM
Sigh, well things are still going well though there is one thing that I find slightly annoying now.
It is funny, before when I was a slave to wanting people's approval and my own impulses I wanted people's approval, etc but they never gave it to me. Now that I don't rely on needing people's approval and only care about my own now everyone wants to constantly try to get my approval or get me to to like them. Its only annoying somewhat because now I couldn't give a damn about it and I only care mostly about internals stuff. I should clarify on that to make it clearer. Its more interesting to me to deal with establishing order on my mind and binding my mind and instincts to my will than most external stuff. Oh, don't get me wrong this whole thing "project" in the end does have some external consequences but anything outside of that I can rarely care for. Its not that I don't care for people for example its just that I have a goal and I will not be distracted from it.
As for the people needing my approval thing I did realize today something that might be causing that to happen every time I go out now. I noticed after getting home after another incident today that my facial expression has changed completely. I don't really look at myself in the mirror but I did really see my face today and noticed right away what was going on. Before my expression used to be a smiling all the time which from what I read was seen as a way to appeal non-threatening and seemed really beta. My smile seemed fake and it made people see me in a beta way and treat me accordingly. Now it is completely different. My facial expression seems to tell the world that I have this bored and unimpressed look on my face but at the same time my eyes have an intensity to them.
After seeing that I could see why if I'm looking at them with a "you don't impress me look" why someone who is needy might start acting like they need to "prove" themselves in someway. The Intensity in the eyes would explain why I have seen people look down often and not give me as much eye contact. Anyway, other than that I am just still doing what I can to grow and improve further. I would have never though self development would be one of my top 3 goals but it is. I find the exploration and battles of the psyche so entertaining and informative. I do admit after these experiences and my readings ( of Nietzsche and Carl Jung) that I had thought about possibly getting degrees (maybe even up to Ph.D) in Psychology after getting financially wealthy off of UMS.
Hmm the only thing that turns me off from things is the way modern psychology is. Lets face it most psychologist, from what I've seen, practice a lot of pop psychology or let their own ideological biases get in the way of their job. One could say this is a problem with the "social" sciences overall. Another thing is the fact that psychology is trying to hard to be a "hard" science which it can try to be to a degree but it never fully will. You are trying to take something that is immaterial (The psyche) which is immeasurable and uncountable and try to make it the opposite. Also, though it is just my experience though it seems reasonable to me the mind seems so much more than what we would think and to reduce it down just to fit some materialistic view seems just insulting.
I could be wrong but I see to many possibilities within the psyche in order to get to a point where we reduce it to some mathematical equation or such. Too many reasons why different people think differently and too many reasons why different people have their reasons for taking certain actions. Anyway, I will see about that after I am pretty much done with UMS possibly. Something tells me I will be running UMS for quite a long time when it comes out. Anyway, not much else to report. Still working on some documents for Korea though I admit I am still thinking about China possibly. Part of me wants to go for the experience though the internet "censorship" would annoying me. I have found out what people do to get around it so at least It wouldn't suck too bad on that front.
It is funny, before when I was a slave to wanting people's approval and my own impulses I wanted people's approval, etc but they never gave it to me. Now that I don't rely on needing people's approval and only care about my own now everyone wants to constantly try to get my approval or get me to to like them. Its only annoying somewhat because now I couldn't give a damn about it and I only care mostly about internals stuff. I should clarify on that to make it clearer. Its more interesting to me to deal with establishing order on my mind and binding my mind and instincts to my will than most external stuff. Oh, don't get me wrong this whole thing "project" in the end does have some external consequences but anything outside of that I can rarely care for. Its not that I don't care for people for example its just that I have a goal and I will not be distracted from it.
As for the people needing my approval thing I did realize today something that might be causing that to happen every time I go out now. I noticed after getting home after another incident today that my facial expression has changed completely. I don't really look at myself in the mirror but I did really see my face today and noticed right away what was going on. Before my expression used to be a smiling all the time which from what I read was seen as a way to appeal non-threatening and seemed really beta. My smile seemed fake and it made people see me in a beta way and treat me accordingly. Now it is completely different. My facial expression seems to tell the world that I have this bored and unimpressed look on my face but at the same time my eyes have an intensity to them.
After seeing that I could see why if I'm looking at them with a "you don't impress me look" why someone who is needy might start acting like they need to "prove" themselves in someway. The Intensity in the eyes would explain why I have seen people look down often and not give me as much eye contact. Anyway, other than that I am just still doing what I can to grow and improve further. I would have never though self development would be one of my top 3 goals but it is. I find the exploration and battles of the psyche so entertaining and informative. I do admit after these experiences and my readings ( of Nietzsche and Carl Jung) that I had thought about possibly getting degrees (maybe even up to Ph.D) in Psychology after getting financially wealthy off of UMS.
Hmm the only thing that turns me off from things is the way modern psychology is. Lets face it most psychologist, from what I've seen, practice a lot of pop psychology or let their own ideological biases get in the way of their job. One could say this is a problem with the "social" sciences overall. Another thing is the fact that psychology is trying to hard to be a "hard" science which it can try to be to a degree but it never fully will. You are trying to take something that is immaterial (The psyche) which is immeasurable and uncountable and try to make it the opposite. Also, though it is just my experience though it seems reasonable to me the mind seems so much more than what we would think and to reduce it down just to fit some materialistic view seems just insulting.
I could be wrong but I see to many possibilities within the psyche in order to get to a point where we reduce it to some mathematical equation or such. Too many reasons why different people think differently and too many reasons why different people have their reasons for taking certain actions. Anyway, I will see about that after I am pretty much done with UMS possibly. Something tells me I will be running UMS for quite a long time when it comes out. Anyway, not much else to report. Still working on some documents for Korea though I admit I am still thinking about China possibly. Part of me wants to go for the experience though the internet "censorship" would annoying me. I have found out what people do to get around it so at least It wouldn't suck too bad on that front.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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