06-04-2019, 08:34 PM
Guess it is time for an update.
Things are still pretty good but I am noticing some things. First I think the "newness" of feeling this way I have been feeling is wearing off. I still have this inner strength I have developed and everything else its just that I think my body and mind are getting more used to feeling this way. So, I guess that is a sign that this way of being is getting normalized. Also, I did encounter one other things of resistance yesterday but it was the normal type or resistance. I think the sub is digging even deeper and it hit something that made my mind freak out for a bit. It didn't last long but the way in which I reacted like I was in great emotional distress was a big surprise.
I have been watching still more informational stuff and I think I have found 2 people in the past mainly who have eerily addressed the transformation I went through (more on that past tense thing in a moment). I have found that Nietzsche and Carl Jung (who was also influenced by Nietzsche). It did seem like both men also had a bunch to say about the psyche and unconscious or even collective conscious mind. There were many things I've found from both men that have been very informative but I will share 2 that have stood out so far and I'm sure I will find many more in the coming days. The first was of Nietzsche's opinion of psyche being comprised of competing or even contradictory instincts, emotions and wants. In his opinion it was the job of every man to explore his psyche and find his heroic goal as it were. A goal that could make all other instincts, emotions, and wants subordinate to it. A kind of overarching purpose that can be used to enforce order over chaos as it were.
I think some or all of this might be true. It would explain why I have a clear goal in mind and I am becoming more and more of reaching that goal with a high amount of conviction (hence my want to run UMS badly). It has gotten to a point that even relationships or women mean very much to me at the moment. I remember at a time when I was more controlled by my feelings of lust and women were the priority. Now this is not so and I am better for it I think. Now I mostly think about it in terms of how a relationship might hinder my goal.
As for what I found what Carl Jung said it was quite Erie how I found this one quote that summed up my transformation almost perfectly:
"Only one who has risked the fight with the dragon and is not overcome by it wins the hoard, the “treasure hard to attain”. He alone has a genuine claim to self-confidence, for he has faced the dark ground of his self and thereby has gained himself. This experience gives some faith and trust, the pistis in the ability of the self to sustain him, for everything that menaced him from inside he has made his own. He has acquired the right to believe that he will be able to overcome all future threats by the same means. He has arrived at an inner certainty which makes him capable of self-reliance.” (Carl Jung, The Symbolic life)
Quite frankly, this has explained my emotional state to a T. It feels like after I was finally able to face and overcome those inner demons that I heave found a great amount of self confidence and ability to be self reliant. It is because i have "won" myself and realized who I really am. He did say something else that added to my own observations: "The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed”. It feels like I have overcome this that life feels so much easier and I am not as worried about further conflicts. I am fully ready to face anymore inner conflicts that await me in my psyche and impose order on them to achieve my goals.
Either way, I thought I would share those insights. As for my use of the past tense with regards to my transformation, I am not saying there won't be further transformations its just that for this "phase" it seems like the changes have come to a halt for a bit. I think this is because there was a flood of changes that occurred after I overcame whatever major thing I did. In this case I think it was in regards to my very identity. Now it feels like after the flood gates have opened that the water is finally starting to slow down to almost non existent. I do think another thing like this might happen though, where I overcome some major thing yet again and then another flood gate opens. Also, I didn't sleep as much today so I think the changes from this transformation are pretty done for now and done using up so much energy to implement.
As for real life stuff still finishing up signing up for Korea. Just need to finish a few things then send them in, then I should get an interview over Skype. As for the girl situation eh I'm still talking to the Indonesian and I will still consider what she has said. There is still a chance things could work out based on something she has said and of something I have thought of lately but I will still think it all over. I do feel more of a connection with her once again but at the same time something has still clearly changed. It think it is a combination of my own growth over a short period of time and me not really being controlled by my sexual instincts as it were. I just can't find myself to care all that much about sex. It doesn't feel forced either like when I was doing it to resist DMSI 3.2.
Other than this I have definitely noticed random strangers trying to get my attention, talk with me, and ask me for help. Btw, before this sub that like never, ever happened. People usually avoided me. I assumed this was because of me giving off signs that I was emotionally or mentally not healthy, etc. Now every time I go out it fucking happens. I did forget to mention something else as well last time. I went to the Super Market I used to work at during my third month on AM6. The same job I quite because i actually was mistreated by the manager in charged and refused to take that behavior (that was clearly AM6's doing). I noticed some old people there, especially one guy who looked miserable working there still years later. Made me realize how far I have come and how I wasn't willing to settle for some shitty job.
I did go there again today to pick up some stuff and notice even more familiar faces still there not going anywhere in life. It was eye opening about how people just settle for stuff or being mistreated because they are too afraid to really pursue their goals in life. I did hear from one of the people, this was a while back, that the previous manager was gone (about 2 years ago I think). From the way I heard it it seemed like one of those things where she thought she could keep on doing that shit to people until it didn't work on a certain person and she got in big trouble for it. I will never get people like that. Who think they can keep on getting away with that behavior "until" someone comes along in which that behavior doesn't fly. Common sense would tell you that sooner or later that is going to happen so you shouldn't be a shitty person just because it gives you some sort of power trip.
Anyway, that's about all that I have observed so far. Will see how things keep going from here.
Things are still pretty good but I am noticing some things. First I think the "newness" of feeling this way I have been feeling is wearing off. I still have this inner strength I have developed and everything else its just that I think my body and mind are getting more used to feeling this way. So, I guess that is a sign that this way of being is getting normalized. Also, I did encounter one other things of resistance yesterday but it was the normal type or resistance. I think the sub is digging even deeper and it hit something that made my mind freak out for a bit. It didn't last long but the way in which I reacted like I was in great emotional distress was a big surprise.
I have been watching still more informational stuff and I think I have found 2 people in the past mainly who have eerily addressed the transformation I went through (more on that past tense thing in a moment). I have found that Nietzsche and Carl Jung (who was also influenced by Nietzsche). It did seem like both men also had a bunch to say about the psyche and unconscious or even collective conscious mind. There were many things I've found from both men that have been very informative but I will share 2 that have stood out so far and I'm sure I will find many more in the coming days. The first was of Nietzsche's opinion of psyche being comprised of competing or even contradictory instincts, emotions and wants. In his opinion it was the job of every man to explore his psyche and find his heroic goal as it were. A goal that could make all other instincts, emotions, and wants subordinate to it. A kind of overarching purpose that can be used to enforce order over chaos as it were.
I think some or all of this might be true. It would explain why I have a clear goal in mind and I am becoming more and more of reaching that goal with a high amount of conviction (hence my want to run UMS badly). It has gotten to a point that even relationships or women mean very much to me at the moment. I remember at a time when I was more controlled by my feelings of lust and women were the priority. Now this is not so and I am better for it I think. Now I mostly think about it in terms of how a relationship might hinder my goal.
As for what I found what Carl Jung said it was quite Erie how I found this one quote that summed up my transformation almost perfectly:
"Only one who has risked the fight with the dragon and is not overcome by it wins the hoard, the “treasure hard to attain”. He alone has a genuine claim to self-confidence, for he has faced the dark ground of his self and thereby has gained himself. This experience gives some faith and trust, the pistis in the ability of the self to sustain him, for everything that menaced him from inside he has made his own. He has acquired the right to believe that he will be able to overcome all future threats by the same means. He has arrived at an inner certainty which makes him capable of self-reliance.” (Carl Jung, The Symbolic life)
Quite frankly, this has explained my emotional state to a T. It feels like after I was finally able to face and overcome those inner demons that I heave found a great amount of self confidence and ability to be self reliant. It is because i have "won" myself and realized who I really am. He did say something else that added to my own observations: "The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed”. It feels like I have overcome this that life feels so much easier and I am not as worried about further conflicts. I am fully ready to face anymore inner conflicts that await me in my psyche and impose order on them to achieve my goals.
Either way, I thought I would share those insights. As for my use of the past tense with regards to my transformation, I am not saying there won't be further transformations its just that for this "phase" it seems like the changes have come to a halt for a bit. I think this is because there was a flood of changes that occurred after I overcame whatever major thing I did. In this case I think it was in regards to my very identity. Now it feels like after the flood gates have opened that the water is finally starting to slow down to almost non existent. I do think another thing like this might happen though, where I overcome some major thing yet again and then another flood gate opens. Also, I didn't sleep as much today so I think the changes from this transformation are pretty done for now and done using up so much energy to implement.
As for real life stuff still finishing up signing up for Korea. Just need to finish a few things then send them in, then I should get an interview over Skype. As for the girl situation eh I'm still talking to the Indonesian and I will still consider what she has said. There is still a chance things could work out based on something she has said and of something I have thought of lately but I will still think it all over. I do feel more of a connection with her once again but at the same time something has still clearly changed. It think it is a combination of my own growth over a short period of time and me not really being controlled by my sexual instincts as it were. I just can't find myself to care all that much about sex. It doesn't feel forced either like when I was doing it to resist DMSI 3.2.
Other than this I have definitely noticed random strangers trying to get my attention, talk with me, and ask me for help. Btw, before this sub that like never, ever happened. People usually avoided me. I assumed this was because of me giving off signs that I was emotionally or mentally not healthy, etc. Now every time I go out it fucking happens. I did forget to mention something else as well last time. I went to the Super Market I used to work at during my third month on AM6. The same job I quite because i actually was mistreated by the manager in charged and refused to take that behavior (that was clearly AM6's doing). I noticed some old people there, especially one guy who looked miserable working there still years later. Made me realize how far I have come and how I wasn't willing to settle for some shitty job.
I did go there again today to pick up some stuff and notice even more familiar faces still there not going anywhere in life. It was eye opening about how people just settle for stuff or being mistreated because they are too afraid to really pursue their goals in life. I did hear from one of the people, this was a while back, that the previous manager was gone (about 2 years ago I think). From the way I heard it it seemed like one of those things where she thought she could keep on doing that shit to people until it didn't work on a certain person and she got in big trouble for it. I will never get people like that. Who think they can keep on getting away with that behavior "until" someone comes along in which that behavior doesn't fly. Common sense would tell you that sooner or later that is going to happen so you shouldn't be a shitty person just because it gives you some sort of power trip.
Anyway, that's about all that I have observed so far. Will see how things keep going from here.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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