05-23-2019, 08:55 AM
eh, been meaning to explain something that was a real game changer the last few days but didn't know how to quite put it into words. I will try now though.
There is some deep identity level stuff that happened that I didn't talk about. The best way I could describe it is that I stripped away all the unnecessary garbage society had tried to put into me regarding "who" I am and just accepted myself as is. Doesn't mean I don't want to improve or stop improving myself, I clearly do. Point is at some point I just became fine with myself and that was enough. For example, I feel no need to be apart of this group or that group or say I'm this or that. Simply being "DarthXedonias" is great by itself and I don't need anything else beyond that. I think this has to do with the whole supplying yourself with love, affection, value, and meaning instead of relying on something external to give you those things. Finally, a lot of those things Shannon had been trying to say for a long time regarding a "transcendent alpha" finally makes sense since I have finally experienced it for myself.
I feel a lot more free now and have a lot less baggage. I don't have to worry about whether this person sees me this way or that way. It is myself that gives me my own value. It feels spiritually freeing in a way. I think that is also why I have this great aversion to anyone or anything trying to control me now. I have finally found myself and this freedom and I am not willing to give this up to go back to the "plantation" as it were. It would seem society at large wants you in a position where you get your meaning and value from being part of this group or that group. I refuse to be apart of that anymore. Isn't is good enough to just be yourself? Isn't by saying you "need" to be apart of this group or that group that you are saying you by yourself are not adequate? Not saying a person can't associate with people or different groups. I think the issue is one of getting your meaning, value, and identity from other's.
I did speak to the Indonesian women again. I still felt sort of a connection with her but I felt this aversion as well. It is quite obvious that I have indeed outgrown her on a development level now. The part that I had an aversion to wasn't her behavior really (she really is a good person) it was what motivated the good behavior. It the fact that she constantly had to have her value, meaning, and purpose come from something external from herself that put me off. Its like ever since I have left that trap myself I have this aversion to people who willingly let themselves be ensnared in that. Hmmm, I do get this feeling that perhaps people around me sense that I don't get my identity or sense of well being from other people and now it seems like now they are trying to get me to like them. Its does kind of put me off though because it makes me wonder why they even want me to like them in the first place. Why do they need that?
As a side note, I submitted my documents to a third part to get them to be made official so that when I apply for a visa for some place I can get it pretty quickly. I still need to decide whether I will be going to China or Korea though. Thing is ever since this "transformation" as it were there is this nagging intuition in the back of my mind saying I should go to China. I should probably listen to it. Only problem I'm having is that lots of place in China have summer breaks like in the US. So lot of schools or language centers don't have start dates for positions until September 1st. Will have to look hard for some places that still have summer school or something like that if I want to leave ASAP.
Anyway, that is about all that is going on. Seems like I've mostly stripped away a lot of the garbage society has put into my mind and now I am simply fine with being myself. If more than anything I feel more free and have less restrictions now. When you get your value and identity from something external its like you take on the limitations that thing puts on your as well whereas when you get those things internally you realize the only limitations you have are the ones you put on yourself. Either way, feels good to be like this finally. A lot of what @ has said in the past is really starting to make sense now.
There is some deep identity level stuff that happened that I didn't talk about. The best way I could describe it is that I stripped away all the unnecessary garbage society had tried to put into me regarding "who" I am and just accepted myself as is. Doesn't mean I don't want to improve or stop improving myself, I clearly do. Point is at some point I just became fine with myself and that was enough. For example, I feel no need to be apart of this group or that group or say I'm this or that. Simply being "DarthXedonias" is great by itself and I don't need anything else beyond that. I think this has to do with the whole supplying yourself with love, affection, value, and meaning instead of relying on something external to give you those things. Finally, a lot of those things Shannon had been trying to say for a long time regarding a "transcendent alpha" finally makes sense since I have finally experienced it for myself.
I feel a lot more free now and have a lot less baggage. I don't have to worry about whether this person sees me this way or that way. It is myself that gives me my own value. It feels spiritually freeing in a way. I think that is also why I have this great aversion to anyone or anything trying to control me now. I have finally found myself and this freedom and I am not willing to give this up to go back to the "plantation" as it were. It would seem society at large wants you in a position where you get your meaning and value from being part of this group or that group. I refuse to be apart of that anymore. Isn't is good enough to just be yourself? Isn't by saying you "need" to be apart of this group or that group that you are saying you by yourself are not adequate? Not saying a person can't associate with people or different groups. I think the issue is one of getting your meaning, value, and identity from other's.
I did speak to the Indonesian women again. I still felt sort of a connection with her but I felt this aversion as well. It is quite obvious that I have indeed outgrown her on a development level now. The part that I had an aversion to wasn't her behavior really (she really is a good person) it was what motivated the good behavior. It the fact that she constantly had to have her value, meaning, and purpose come from something external from herself that put me off. Its like ever since I have left that trap myself I have this aversion to people who willingly let themselves be ensnared in that. Hmmm, I do get this feeling that perhaps people around me sense that I don't get my identity or sense of well being from other people and now it seems like now they are trying to get me to like them. Its does kind of put me off though because it makes me wonder why they even want me to like them in the first place. Why do they need that?
As a side note, I submitted my documents to a third part to get them to be made official so that when I apply for a visa for some place I can get it pretty quickly. I still need to decide whether I will be going to China or Korea though. Thing is ever since this "transformation" as it were there is this nagging intuition in the back of my mind saying I should go to China. I should probably listen to it. Only problem I'm having is that lots of place in China have summer breaks like in the US. So lot of schools or language centers don't have start dates for positions until September 1st. Will have to look hard for some places that still have summer school or something like that if I want to leave ASAP.
Anyway, that is about all that is going on. Seems like I've mostly stripped away a lot of the garbage society has put into my mind and now I am simply fine with being myself. If more than anything I feel more free and have less restrictions now. When you get your value and identity from something external its like you take on the limitations that thing puts on your as well whereas when you get those things internally you realize the only limitations you have are the ones you put on yourself. Either way, feels good to be like this finally. A lot of what @ has said in the past is really starting to make sense now.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche