Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[DavisMind91]

Step 1: Let go of your "friend". Accept that it's over. Move on and live your life.

Yeah, everybody tells me to do that...

I just can't for some reason.

You can. You may not want to. You may not choose to. But can't is ***** excuses.

I guess it's because I feel like I would be accepting defeat. Like I'm not good enough, was never good enough and will never be good enough, so I might as well just give up, because I can't change that. And I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to admit I'm not good enough and will never be good enough. I want to think I can win, and prove I am good enough. Problem is, with that attitude, I'll NEVER be good enough anyway. It feels like a catch 22. It feels like I'm in an unwinnable scenario. I realize I'm relying way too much on external validation, but I feel like if I were really good enough, the external would match the internal, right? Problem is, the internal doesn't believe I'm good enough, so the external DOES match the internal. A catch 22. I dunno how to resolve this. Maybe I DO just need to let it go and believe I AM good enough despite what external circumstances say. But I don't feel that way. Sorry I'm dumping my shit on you. You're right, I can accept it's over, I just can't seem to accept myself. I never could. I hate myself, and don't think I'm worth anything. I need these healing subs. But I don't know if they can clean up all this self hatred. I guess I just gotta have faith and try my best, because I'm running out of options.

The first thing you may want to do IS accept who you already are, once you do this you’ll truly recognize there’s room for improvement and begin to progress. You’re still breathing which means you still have an opportunity to keep striving for improvement. In truth, if the person you are could get you what you wanted, you’d already have it, so instead of quitting try moving forward and see what results you get from that. I once hit the point where I gave up too, a couple years before I found IML. Know what happened?...life sucked even more when I layed down instead of rolling with the punches and moving forward. 10 years before that I was moments away from taking my own life. Everything is a choice and every moment you have to choose better in order to become better. Laying down in bed all day won’t help either obviously. Start getting up and doing SOMETHING, action seems to be a good counteraction to depression in my experience. 

You may not feel good enough to achieve your goals right now, but you definitely won’t be until take control and assert the best part of yourself on to life. You’re still here which means you haven’t been defeated yet. If your validation has been external then it means you need to become the author of your own story now. Take responsibility and accountability for your own life and realize that self hatred is getting you nowhere and it never will, except maybe 6 feet under. Do you really want to leave this world knowing you just gave up before you ever gave yourself a real chance?

One day you’ll be gone for good like the rest of us. So tell me @EvolvingPhoenix what legacy would you like to leave behind? That’s all that should matter to you at this point.