Transcendent Sith Lord's LTU 5.0 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Time for an update.

I have noticed I had a bit of reverse resistence with the whole porn thing recently. I'm thinking this is some weird way I deal with huge amounts of stress or fear when they come up. Hopefully it doesn't last. Something did just happen a while ago though. I stopped feeling guilty about past actions and actually forgave myself. It was interesting. I had just woke up and thought of a certain action I took in the past and started to feel emotional discomfort about it. All of a sudden though the discomfort just stopped and I questioned why the heck I was even feeling this in the first place. I guess that is a very noticeable sign of progress.

There is one other thing I have noticed getting very stronger over the last few weeks. I think its been my ability to think more clearly and my wisdom has certainly increased. I've noticed that I'm not as easily convinced about certain things to a degree and I stopped watching certain youtube channels as much (for example the one I mentioned a few posts back ago) because I started looking at the full range of information and found out a lot of them were peddling misinformation about certain things. I don't think I've become jaded but I have become very skeptical about people's motives now more than ever. It seems like where I'm at you have so many different groups of people trying to peddle their own narratives about the world to get people in their group or spin information the way they think will attract the most amount of people.

I don't know but with me learning so much over the last few weeks Its like I'm starting to wonder if there are even that many people who say they only want the truth and actually mean it? What I've seen way to often as I've grown intellectually is too many people claiming that and claiming that they are rational but putting their own spin on things and playing the "victim" when called out on it. It seems like no one wants to take responsibility for anything and wants to blame everyone else for anything that goes wrong in the world or in their lives. Don't know where I was going with this but it is something I have noticed and been increasingly annoyed with. Maybe the fact that this is becoming even more obvious to me now means that I'm starting to separate myself even more from that behavior.

I do find myself watching youtube videos for more educational reason as well I might add. Before I used to watch more "supposed educational" but with very entertaining personalities. I then thought why am I watching these people's stuff which I found wasn't as informative as I thought. Its almost like being one of those people who are obsessed with movie stars, except for some people Its for people who do online videos. So, I have pretty much cut watching that content out of my life. Not to mention I just realized why should I spend all my time watching these videos when I could be doing things that move my life forward and actually accomplish something? I know too many people who do nothing but stay home and watch youtube all day and then wonder they they are unhappy with their lives. Either way, I think I am growing out of that phase.

Point is I feel like my mind is less "caged" as it were and I'm thinking more independently. I'm starting to think a lot more rationally which is funny because I thought that was how I always though but now I see that was not truth. I thought rationally in some circumstances but not in many others. It seemed I was motivated by large quantities of fear like everyone else. That fear warped the way I saw information and made me see what I wanted to see.

On another note I actually got down to working yesterday and literally worked for hours straight and barely even noticed the time go buy. I think this proves further that my subconscious mainly wants to keep me from initiating anything because as soon as I do I get down to working on whatever I need to without any problems. It was quite funny realizing I had worked for hours and barely noticed any of it. Its like before hand I feel very annoyed and agitated about getting work done but when I'm actually doing it I feel peaceful and determined. Hopefully in the future even the aversion to getting work done will be gone. That seems to be the only thing parts of my subconscious can resist with. I should be done with 2 courses today then after that I only have 4 left. If I can get 2 done sometime this week then it should be quick to get the other 2 done over the weekend or early next week. With that I will be done and able to graduate. After that I should just have to finish turning in my paper for my TEFL cert and then I can search for English jobs in other countries or if I want still work here for the next 2-3 months then move on.

Anyway, that's about it for now. Will report again soon.